Bonding with Maggie

[Stacy]

Let me preface this by saying that I know how ridiculous it sounds. But I would like to hear other people’s experiences with bringing home a new rescue. I think it will help.

I don’t think Maggie likes me. She’s been here 3 weeks. And she likes me, that’s not the right phrasing. We are getting along well. She seeks attention. She follows me around. She even asked to go outside last night and I understood! But I don’t think she loves me. I don’t think she trusts me. And I have the distinct impression that she feels like a visitor here waiting for her real mommies to come back and get her.

I adore her. I want us to have a mutual love fest. I’ve been spending time with her. Trying to give her space to figure things out and decide that she wants to come to me. I’ve fed her by hand and given her a million treats (probably a few too many.) I encourage her to come be near me, but then let her go when she wants to leave 3 seconds later. She loves to go for rides so I take her with me when I can. We play ball in the yard. We’ve gone for walks. We’re waiting for our training class to start.

I’m not sure if I’m missing something, or maybe I’m trying too hard. Or possibly she just isn’t going to be the dog who wants to hang out with me on the couch. But from what her foster mom’s tell me she was that dog with them. I want her to like me too. I think it’s hard because no one will ever be Ava, and I miss what I had with her so much. I don’t want Maggie to be Ava. I just want her to be just like Ava. I know, ridiculous.

So tell me I’m expecting too much too soon. Tell me that it takes 2 months, or 3 months, or that our obedience class will be the thing that will bond her to me. I just want to be closer to her. The stinky hound dogs that I transported yesterday were more excited to see me than she is. I got major kisses from them. Sloppy dog tongue in my mouth!

[Stacy]

This trainer talks about how he took his rescue dog to the group training classes and just let her stay in her safe place (crate) for weeks. It was too much to be there and be asked to do anything, she wouldn't even take treats she was so stressed at first. Eventually she started taking treats from people and her confidence grew and it sounds like she has made amazing progress. I'm not afraid of doing the work to create this bond. Sometimes I just worry. It's no secret that I'm a worrier. But really, I know Maggie is going to be great. Someone else just needed to say it!

[Amy and Annabelle]

I think Maggie has already come a long way if she is following you around and letting you trim her nails. She wouldn't willingly let you trim her nails unless she trusted you. Annabelles first year, I didn't think she would ever be my lap dog. That seemed to be the furthest thing from her mind.There were times that first 6 months, I wondered if she even liked me and she wasn't even a rescue. She just seemed so aloof half the time. Like she could care less if I was there or not. Certainly not how I envisioned a puppy. Her breeder said the puppies were lovingly cared for in the family home and socialized. i really have my doubts about that. Now she is like a totally different dog. She is halfway on my lap before I even sit down, she is my little shadow, she sleeps up next to me, unless its summer, then she is too hot. And yes, Maggie is going to be great, she already has a great start.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I don't think group lessons are such a bad idea. In that type of situation, she is going to cling to you and look to you more for guidance because you are the only familiar thing in the room. And it's a neutral territory, which may also help, because chances are that whatever unpleasant things she may have experienced at the hands of humans, chances are they didn;t happen in a roomful of strangers and other dogs. Seeing the other dogs doing what she is being asked to do also helps. 

[Stacy]

I think we can do both. Our group class doesn't start until the middle of April, so we could get some pre-training in before that. We could be the stars of the show! Or not. 

I am pleased with how resilient Maggie has already shown to be. She startles, but then she recovers. She doesn't cower in a corner. She let me trim her nails this morning. She isn't afraid of the vacuum. The groomer said sometimes it's better if they don't know anything at all. That's definitely where we are. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

This sounds very positive. And I think "pre-training" and then classes sounds perfect.

[Stacy]

I really am excited for us to do fun things together. To really be a team.

[Amy and Annabelle]

I rescued a Golden Retriever when he was 18 months old. He came to us with scars both physical and emotional. It took longer for him to want much to do with my husband than with me, probably because it was a male that abused him and I was the one that fed and walked him. He was also afraid of everything when we brought him home. He would always be afraid of storms and fireworks the rest of his life. He would hide in our shower until it was over. When we brought him home he bonded with our 3 young daughters and nephew right away. My nephew was only 2 at the time, and Charlie was very gentle with him.. But us adults it took awhile. Then my husband started taking him on hikes in the mountains, that helped with their bond. So over several months he bonded with each of us more and more. Then we had scary incident in our neighborhood and Charlie and I got caught in the middle of it. He must have sensed how scared I was and he became my protector. For about 2 weeks he wouldn't even let my husband touch me. Even though my husband was at work and wasn't even home at the time. After awhile he must have thought I was ok, because for the most super protective Charlie stopped. I think some of his protectiveness toward me stemmed from his abuse. He eventually became the most sweetest, gentlest, loving dog you could ask for. It just took several months to get there. I think they come to us with so much emotional baggage they are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes lots of love, patience and training for rescues that have never known what it's like to be loved, only neglected and abused. She will get there with you, she probably thinks she will be shuffled around again. It will take time to realize she's finally at her forever home.

[Stacy]

See? I know we'll get there too. It helps to hear that other people have been there and done that and everyone lived happily ever after. I just hate that she's so uncertain. I want her to be secure and confident. And I know I'm expecting too much too soon, but I hear it better when someone else says it! 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Amy, What you wrote touched my heart. I always feel so sorry for these dogs that bond in a foster home and then move on. I know a foster can't keep all the dogs they foster, but the confusion these dogs must feel with each new home has to be daunting. Thank you for rescuing Charlie!

[Amy and Annabelle]

You know Laurie I feel the same way. Fosters are a great service, but the poor dogs don't know that it's just a pit stop to their forever home. It has to be harder for the adoptive family to gain their love and trust after what they must think is yet another family that doesn't want them any more, so don't get too comfortable. It must be so confusing for them. I know I don't have the mindset to foster, I couldn't ever give any of them up. I looked into adopting before I got Annabelle. At the time all I was seeing at the local shelters were variations of pitbull. So that thought didn't last long. 

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

OMG! Silly lady! You are doing NOTHING wrong.  Sometimes the bond is instantaneous, but usually it is not. Sometimes the dog knows he/she is home forever, but usually they don't.  As Karen suggests, training does strengthen your bond.  We waited for a year to take Clancy to training because we wanted him to settle in. BTW - my hubby did the training - he and Clancy had the initial bond and continue to have a stronger bond and I think it is the training partnership.

I have posted about Clancy before, but can't find it.  Anyway, it takes at least 6 months to a year (or longer in truly traumatized dogs) to settle in and trust that they are in their forever home.  Take a photo shot of their eyes in those first days.  Here is Clancy when we got him.  You can't see his eyes.  You can see why he was given a haircut within 36 hours.  Here he is - notice the eyes and how worried they are.  When I met Clancy, I didn't intend to adopt him but rallied to find him a new home with friends, neighbors, doodle acquaintances.  No such luck. So we got him from the shelter ourselves. Clancy was very needy. He bugged us for attention. He took off if he was chastised. He 'argued' with our Springer Spaniel over toys and humans. Ned and our then alpha dog, Simon, let Clancy know their hierarchy in the family within 24 hours, but Gordie, our Springer, and Clancy both wanted to be 3rd, not 4th :-} (that's another story).  After a couple of months that was settled, but Clancy continued to nudge us with his snout, which we continued to discourage. He bonded with my husband before me - that was probably for two reasons - dogs tend to bond with him, and I kept holding back that tiny bit of my heart (what if 4 dogs was too much, what if he and Gordie didn't settle their differences, what if, what if...)  I took photos along his journey, butthe last one shows him after a year - look at the trust in his eyes.  We had to earn Clancy's final trust and that is what can take time.  Some dogs are fearful to make that committment - they have their own what ifs to work through.

[Stacy]

What am amazing change! I have the picture of Maggie as a stinky matted mess too. Clancy's eyes just look so soft and comfortable in that last picture. Trust makes all the difference. I just want that for Maggie too. She's such a good girl. I keep telling her that she's safe and nothing bad will ever happen to her, but I guess she has to figure it out. We'll do it together.