Bonding with Maggie

[Stacy]

Let me preface this by saying that I know how ridiculous it sounds. But I would like to hear other people’s experiences with bringing home a new rescue. I think it will help.

I don’t think Maggie likes me. She’s been here 3 weeks. And she likes me, that’s not the right phrasing. We are getting along well. She seeks attention. She follows me around. She even asked to go outside last night and I understood! But I don’t think she loves me. I don’t think she trusts me. And I have the distinct impression that she feels like a visitor here waiting for her real mommies to come back and get her.

I adore her. I want us to have a mutual love fest. I’ve been spending time with her. Trying to give her space to figure things out and decide that she wants to come to me. I’ve fed her by hand and given her a million treats (probably a few too many.) I encourage her to come be near me, but then let her go when she wants to leave 3 seconds later. She loves to go for rides so I take her with me when I can. We play ball in the yard. We’ve gone for walks. We’re waiting for our training class to start.

I’m not sure if I’m missing something, or maybe I’m trying too hard. Or possibly she just isn’t going to be the dog who wants to hang out with me on the couch. But from what her foster mom’s tell me she was that dog with them. I want her to like me too. I think it’s hard because no one will ever be Ava, and I miss what I had with her so much. I don’t want Maggie to be Ava. I just want her to be just like Ava. I know, ridiculous.

So tell me I’m expecting too much too soon. Tell me that it takes 2 months, or 3 months, or that our obedience class will be the thing that will bond her to me. I just want to be closer to her. The stinky hound dogs that I transported yesterday were more excited to see me than she is. I got major kisses from them. Sloppy dog tongue in my mouth!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

It really takes time. You are doing exactly the correct stuff.  I think that you were thinking 'instant bond,' so you become worried when that hasn't happened.  Remember, you are also still grieving, so a tiny bit of your heart might still be closed - your own what ifs - What if Maggie gets sick and dies?, What if Maggie doesn't know I'm committed to her?. What if she never loves me like she does her foster family? ...  Give it time - lots and lots of time.

[Stacy]

I was thinking instant bond. And you're right about all the other stuff too. It's no reflection on Maggie, but I miss Ava so much that there aren't even words. I just go along minding my own business and then I'm crying again. I wish I would stop that! She was a beautiful sweet soul, and there will never be another one like her.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, What an amazing change! You guys hit the jackpot!!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Charlie is a re-home.  His basic personality and reaction to the world is totally different than Clancy's (forgot to say in Clancy's tale that he was abandoned in his backyard when his owners moved and taken to the shelter by the new renters. He was labeled dog aggressive at that shelter which was probably fear).   Here is the story I penned about Charlie.  First - click on the first photo - see the worry in his eyes?

Charlie is not my first dog, but he came to me when I needed a big doggy hug. He is technically a re-home. I am his fourth owner. How can that be? This bundle of snuggles is such a wonderful boy, I can’t imagine why his  previous owners weren’t madly in love and didn’t form a lasting bond with him. This rejection hasn’t dimmed Charlie’s joyful personality and positive outlook though. With his human-like eyes reflecting both an old soul and impish glee, Charlie stares at me until I set aside whatever “drivel I am wasting my time on” and let him climb into my lap for a snuggle or a nap. He will put his paws around my arm or shoulder in a hug, roll on his back for a belly rub, sneak little kisses to my face. With everyone nowadays on their cells, tablets, computers, constantly in the cyber-world, it takes a Charlie to bring one back to real and present surroundings and to take the time to enjoy the day. While he is getting his cuddles and pets, he forces me to slow down, relax, enjoy the moment, quit fussing about a to-do list or worrying about things I cannot change.

Charlie has such a sense of humor. He will do something silly or break a rule and look at me out of the corner of his eye to see if I notice and challenges me to respond.

Charlie’s zest for life is not dimmed when he is chastised for barking at the dog next door. In exasperation one time I asked him if he wanted a time out as I walked him away from the fence. After that one time, if I say “Time Out,” he happily runs to the time-out spot I use for my grandchildren and waits to be ‘released’ with barely repressed exuberance. That he even responds to the words “Time Out” makes me giggle.

However when we got Charlie, though he immediately fit into our family, it was obvious he was very stressed to have been given away. He didn’t eat, he couldn’t settle, he had tummy troubles. He would not go outside for that last potty break after dark. It wasn’t the dark he was afraid of, but of being shut outside and left alone for the night. It broke our hearts to see him suffering. Those days are gone though and Charlie is about as happy go lucky as any dog could ever be.

It is very obvious to me that Charlie adores me much as I adore him. What a boost to my morale to be so loved! He brings such lightness and joy to my life.

What a blessing to him and to me, that we were paired up by the Doodle Rescue Collective to fill the hole in my heart left by the death of my Springer Spaniel. His coloring, gentle spirit, and accepting sweetness are so reflective of our dear Gordie. I think our other two dogs feel this also. Charlie’s youth and enthusiasm have re-energized them into tolerance and playfulness. It is a joy to behold.

Charlie in the 2018 Doodlekisses Calendar.  Check out the eyes.

[Stacy]

You and Charlie are so lucky to have one another. She really is such a good girl. It just breaks my heart knowing that she doesn't know that this is her place. But once we get it all figured out she's going to be the happiest and most loved girl that ever was. I want her to have a fabulous life.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Yes, Stacy, she is.

[Amy and Annabelle]

Charlie's precious, as are all your dogs. I will never understand how people can treat their pets so horribly. It just breaks your heart. We had a rescue named Charlie.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Charlie is precious - but he has a few bad habits - they could have been curbed when he was small, but no one did.  Now we just adjust our lives.  I adore him.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I always love a story with a happy ending!!

[Joani, Skadi & Elli]

Beautifully written!  Charlie is simply gorgeous.  You're right, how could anyone not love these darling?  Guess not everyone has the time and patience...nor do they want to take the time to have a dog become a wonderful, loving companion.  Charlie is very lucky.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Thanks, Joani.  I am someone who doesn't take the time to 'smell the flowers.' I need a Charlie in my life.  I am very lucky.

[BG and Gavin]

So just a few rambling thoughts...

- was there another dog in the foster home? Sometimes having another well mannered dog can give an anxious dog the security and example he needs to interact with humans. My friend brought an Irma displaced Island dog to stay with us for a while.  Gavin brought him along an incredible amount in a just few days - much more than the humans alone could.

- don’t be afraid to play it cool. Play a little hard to get. Talk less. Let her become curious about you and approach you.

- walks work wonders. Silent ones especially. In our house we joke that you are only as good as your last walk. Meaning whoever walked Gavin last, gets his undivided attention the rest of the day.

- I think that dogs develop different relationships with different people. Equality important, but different. Gavin wrestles and fights with my DH but would never dream of playing like that with me. He also will lick the face of some people...children in particular but has never licked our faces (I am good with that!).

- think about doing some umbilical training. I think it is an excellent tool for bonding. http://www.doodlekisses.com/group/trainingmindsets/forum/topics/umb...

- be patient and do some reframing. Maybe for now the focus is you meeting her needs, not her meeting your needs and in meeting her needs, you needs will soon be met. 

- btw it sounds like you are doing great so just breathe ;) and thank you for giving Maggie a great home!