Dear Varmint!!

Dear Varmint,

You recently moved into our neighborhood and I would like to inform you that we have a neighborhood watch and their names are Fudge and Vern.

They know the comings and goings of all neighbors, strangers, animals, and especially varmints.

The last few nights have been tough on them and the people they live with because you are out there doing something past our bedtime. Article 3, section 2, in the handbook you were given when you moved in, clearly states that all nighttime activity must conclude by 11 pm and not resume before 7 am. Last night, there was activity at 2 am, 4 am, and again at 6 am. We know this because the neighborhood watch was busy running from window to window; barking and carrying on like a couple of dancing hyenas.

This is your first warning to stop all nighttime activity. If you continue to disobey this notice, you will be evicted from this neighborhood one-way or the other. Please spread the word amongst your deer friends, cat friends, and any other friends that go bump in the night. I don’t want to scare you or make idle threats, but if the lady of the house has to come out there some night in her bathrobe, rubber boots, and Edward Scissorhands hairdo, because the neighborhood watch has interrupted her beauty rest, it isn’t going to be pretty, and I don’t just mean the lady of the house.

Just out of curiosity have you ever seen the show Swamp People?

Let’s try and be neighborly from here on out and keep our cavorting to a minimum after the designated hours. We appreciate any help you can give us in this matter.