Do You Have An Arch-Nemesis?? Fudge and Vern, Or Should I Say Laurie, Have Two!!

I have had it with two creatures that share this earth with us. We walk everyday up at our nearby State Park and I have never killed (on purpose) an animal, but I am about to start packing (think Jane) like Elmer Fudd and start taking matters into my own hands.

I am just not sure I can operate a weapon, hold poop bags, control two large dogs, and hit my target. What has got my dander up? Well, I will tell you!

First of all, that park is loaded with geese and the main reason they seem to exist is to generate enough poop on the sidewalk, in the grass, and on any stationary object, that it forces humans to become nimble on their feet and hones our dog training techniques. I am starting to wonder if every morning the head goose stands around and passes out Ex-Lax to make sure they have a very productive day. We have all heard of a fleet of geese, and there is even a laxative called Fleet and if I worked in Marketing at the Fleet company, I would suggest their slogan be, "Makes you poop like a goose!"

Possibly, the solution is to find the pill dispensing goose and either hand it a supply of poop bags or convince the goose that distributing Imodium capsules would allow her to live a longer life.

Yesterday, I was screaming, "Leave It!" so loudly at Fudge and Vern that I think I saw an old lady drop her purse. Our entire walk consists of me on high alert for evidence that some goose with an overactive digestive system has walked this path before and then convincing my dogs that leaving gross stuff alone would be in their best interest. I can tell you I see no let up with these goose pie dropping beasts because they are multiplying by the dozens. Sure, the babies are cute, but it is just a matter of time before they get bigger and say to themselves, "this is as good as place as any," when the urge strikes and we all know that is somewhere on a sidewalk.

Next up, we have the groundhog, or as I like to call them, the moving rodent from hell. This little guy serves one purpose and that is to come out once a year, either see his shadow or not, and predict the weather.

The rest of the time he is digging holes big enough to swallow a human whole, or running from hole to hole while you are walking your dogs and trying to engage them in a game of Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Fudge and Vern Over. He has no regard to the human attached to the other end of their leashes. I am all for working with distractions, but fifty mounds of goose poop and fourteen groundhogs running willy-nilly would tax even Victoria Stillwell or Mother Teresa, especially since I strongly believe in another life, Fudge and Vern were hunting dogs.

So, I ask you, can anyone come up with one good reason why I shouldn't start carrying a rifle and put these creatures out of MY misery? I will consider all suggestions, but don't bother bringing up the fact that I don't know how to shoot, have never hunted, and am prone to nervous tics. I need valid reasons only.

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Permalink Reply by Laurie, Fudge, and Vern on May 11, 2012 at 6:57pm

Are the garfish in wheelchairs since they are pelagic?? LOL (Loud groan)

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Permalink Reply by F, Calla & Luca on May 11, 2012 at 6:59pm

Hohoho. I had to look that one up too. This DK is a real edumacation.

Permalink Reply by Gail and Bailey on May 12, 2012 at 5:43am

I had to look that one up as well. You guys are giving my dictionary a work-out! LOL!

Permalink Reply by Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty on May 11, 2012 at 8:01am

Laurie you are too funny. I don't share your views though. I love watching the geese and their ducklings and think groundhogs are just the cutest things ever. We have one on the hill across the street. and the doodles are always trying to visit his hole. We get rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons at night. The only annoying part is keeping the doods away from them when they feel like ... playing? I hope that's all it is. I hate the idea of my doodles hungting prey.

That being said. I think all bugs and spiders should obliterated.

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Permalink Reply by F, Calla & Luca on May 11, 2012 at 8:02am

You may change your mind when you move : )

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Permalink Reply by Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle on May 11, 2012 at 8:07am

I think the groundhogs are cute, too....from a distance. A friend humanely trapped one that was digging up her yard, and believe me, they are not cute when you see them up close and angry, lol. Imagine the rodent version of Cujo.