Feeling like I am being forced to go to two funerals for my mother...

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

I am having an emotional dilemma...My mother's funeral was a week ago tomorrow and that was a very difficult day for me and my dad and sister obviously. Her funeral was in Bermuda where my parents lived (where I grew up) and though my mom's family is from NJ, my aunt and cousin came down to Bermuda for the funeral as well (which I would think is appropriate). But MANY people here did not come to the funeral and it upsets me because if this were one of them, my mother would have flown here in a heartbeat to be here with the family and say goodbye. Of course coming to Bermuda for a funeral wasn't convenient for people so they expect for us to hold a memorial service in NJ for my mom so that THEY can say their goodbyes. But to me...OF COURSE it wasn't CONVENIENT...it's a FUNERAL...

Now they want to have a memorial service here in two weeks (with a pastor that i cannot stand) and I don't feel like my family and I should be tortured with basically going through another funeral for my mom three weeks after her REAL one to satisfy others' who didn't get to say their goodbyes...I was at the real one and this was MY mother...do people really think that I want to go through that all over again?

Is it okay for me to say I do not want to go? They can do what they want to satisfy their own guilt and feelings or whatever this is, but I want to move on, I don't want to go backwards...it is difficult enough as it is.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

You need to do what is right for you in your grieving process.  I certainly can understand that many of your mom's stateside friends could not go to Bermuda to her funeral (expense is one reason) but want to say good bye.  Fine.  Let them.  Be gracious but honest and say that you really appreciate that they want to have a memorial service for her but you are not up to attending.  Thank them for loving your mom, then be done with it.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

Yah it isn't so much her friends, but her FAMILY that didn't come when like I said my mother would have been here if it had been them. Expense or no expense. So I guess I am upset about that in the first place and don't feel like my grieving should be catered around others when it was MY mother.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I am sorry.

[Lynda Kamrath]

I would tell them that you are not able to do a memorial service in New Jersey, but they are welcome to have one with the clergy of their choice.  And thank them for thinking of you, but that it is not something that you can do.  Leave it at that.  They will do what they need to do to remember your mother and there is no need for you to be involved if you do not find that something you want to do.  Sorry to hear about your loss, but now it is time for you to put your life back together and this doesn't sound like it would be helpful or enjoyable for you.

[Becka]

I agree with Nancy, and I'm very sorry that this issue is compounding your grief. Grieving is a very personal thing and everyone experiences it a little differently. You don't need to apologize to anyone for your feelings. Take the time and space you need now to grieve, and perhaps tell your mother's friends/family that you hope to see them sometime soon when you will be in a better frame of mind to celebrate your mother's life with them.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I understand your feelings toward your mom's family but I wonder if some of those feelings are not part of the sadness, anger and loss you have about losing your mom. Regardless, you can do as others have suggested and tell people that you cannot do anymore public grieving or remembering right now but they are welcome to have a memorial service. With time you may want to see them and reminisce or not.

[Christine & Camus]

First, I am sorry for your loss. And, I think you need to do what is right for you.  Grief has many stages, anger is one, and everyone goes through them at their own pace.  If you are not in a place where you would be able to deal with another service simply let them know that. 

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

If it can be done as a celebration of her life, I think it may not be that difficult for you to attend -- particularly in two weeks. I'm not the best one to respond, as my mom is still alive, but I think it's nice that others want to honor her. Traveling to Bermuda may really have been cost-prohibitive, but regardless, they loved her enough to put this together. If it's close by, I think you'll regret not attending. I know I would.

[Katie, John & Parker pup]

I understand that many of her friends may not have been able to come last minute because of costs but the certain family members I am upset with used different excuses and made the situation about themselves (as they always do) which is why I am upset I guess. I am tired of things being about these certain family members...even when they aren't and I am tired of catering to that.

[Lynn D.]

I haven't lost my mother, so take my opinion for what it is worth, not a heck of a lot. I did lose my father at a young age.

 

You went to your mother's funeral. Why prolong your grieving process for the sake of others? I am a big people pleaser so I could understand if you did go. But this is a matter the is very difficult and not everyone grieves the same way.

 

Again my opinion, it sounds as if some people are being selfish.

 

All my best. Lynn

 

Katie, you need to do what is right for you and not anyone else. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

[Shannon and Finn]

It is okay to say no, absolutely. Tell them what you just said here, that you can't go through the emotions again and you have said your goodbyes and maybe say that you are happy that they are taking time to do what they need to do to honor your mother in their own way. So sorry for your loss, please don't let this cause guilt for you it is okay to say no

[Barbara B., Sasha & Oliver]

I'm sorry for you loss Katie and it is extremely difficult losing your Mom, I lost mine 7 years ago and miss her like crazy.  Its a difficult situation you are in.  What would your Mom want you to do in this situation?  When I am at a difficult crossroad, I always ask "hmmmm what would Mom want me to do" and I let her guide me that way.   Would your Mom want you to be present in funeral #2?? would she think it to be something family and friends could do on their own without you?....   Personally I would not go to NJ, if her family and friends want to have a service for her then let them, no one says you "HAVE" to be present.