FRUSTRATED!

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

I was very frustrated when I logged on this morning and saw that the individual that posted asking for help with teaching their child to behave around the doodle had deleted their question and left.  The timing of this post could not have been better (or maybe worse depending on how you look at it) because of the DRC issue the day before that I discussed in my response to her.  If you didn't see the original post, the individual was asking for help with her 5 y/o and the way he was treating their doodle.  Seemed to possibly be some jealousy and he originally was hugging very tightly, laying on it, etc but had now resorted to hitting and kicking.  This struck me as a very serious situation because the DRC had just been frantically searching for a rescue to take in a Doodle that was only hours away from being put down because it was labeled as having guarding issues with food, toys, people, you name it.  Why, because it had been mistreated by the children in its home.  It needed a home without other dogs and one with a very experience foster parent.  As you know, all the experienced DRC fosters have dogs already (or at least I assume they do).  Anyway, the DRC couldn't help but was trying to find another rescue to step up before the Doodle was put down.  (and one did, so all is well for now).

The one main reason (among others) that I now keep coming back to DK (since we do a lot of chatting via FB now) is that there are always posts like this.  Being involved in rescue to a small degree we see dogs come into rescue for this very reason over and over again.  To me, it was a very serious situation that needed addressed ASAP.  A couple folks responded with some good ideas ahead of me.  I tried very hard in my response not to sound judgmental, but to somehow get across the urgency of the situation ... sometimes that is really hard to do.  I felt immediate measures needed to be put into place before the child was bitten and the dog was then surrendered with a "behavioral issues" label.   I read, tweaked and re read my response over and over again to try and get the point across, without seeming harsh.  WHY, because I didn't want this person to leave us.  I wanted them to stay here and tell us what they had put in place, what they were trying, how it was going, and let us lead and guide them through this process.  I didn't want them to be offended, embarrassed, feel judged, or think we didn't care, because we do.  Each and everyone of us care.

To the original poster, if you happen to come here again, if I offended you in any way, I'm sorry.  That certainly was not my intent.  I had hopped that you would realize just how serious the situation was and that you would let us help you get through it.  Many of us here have had issues that were beyond our knowledge and ability to fix and we have helped each other and referred those who needed it to experienced trainers.   Many people here are first time dog owners that have gotten in over their heads and others have had dogs for 30-40 or 50 years.   We judge no one who is asking for help. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

I did not see the first post but this is great advice.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I did not see the post, but knowing you, I am sure your response was worded perfectly. I feel badly for the dog.

[Becka]

Sheri, it certainly didn't look like anything you said was offensive, and I think it's too bad the original poster deleted the first post. I hope that Mila's situation improves or that she finds a home where she isn't being physically abused. Maybe her owner will at least keep reading enough of the great advice here on DK to find a way to help her son and help Mila.

[BG and Gavin]

I was one of the responders and I too feel disappointed.  The thing is, each of us has our own lense that we look at things through.  

- you were looking through the lense of a dog rescuer

- I was looking through the lense of a child behaviourist

- the poster's lense was that of a mother and dog owner and thus she may have automatically read judgement even through there was none intended

Overall it really is a shame, because I am sure we could have helped and supported her.

[Joani, Skadi & Elli]

Great post.  Hope the original poster will be seeking help again.  My heart goes out to the doodle and it's family.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Sheri, it bothered me too, so much so that I saved the original post.

I think it's important to mention that this is the first dog this poster has ever had. 

Just so everyone can see what you are talking about, here is the exact wording of the original post:

"My near-5-year-old loves our dog, but sometimes is pretty rough with her (burying his face in her neck, laying on top of her, dragging her across the floor by her legs, etc.), which she's amazingly tolerant of. But lately he's taken it to another level-- he'll hit or kick at her, or even squeeze her throat! This seems to be an attention-seeking behavior, and boy does it work! I get super protective of Mila, and really mad at him. He's never really hurt her, and he's not an aggressive kid, but he does it when he's bored maybe. It often seems to come out of nowhere. I've wondered if it's related to being a younger brother-- finally he has someone weaker than him he can pick on.

Any parenting suggestions for me?"

I wonder if this were a younger sibling rather than a puppy, what the mom would do. 

You are right that there are dogs coming into rescue all the time because of situations where puppies are being mishandled by kids, and then grow up feeling they have to defend themselves.  As I have mentioned before, the number one reason that doodles are surrendered to DRC by their owners is because of behavioral issues with young children in the home, and it is overwhelmingly due to mishandling of the dogs by the children. 

But honestly, it is rare that I have ever heard of a case where there was hitting & kicking. Hugging and squeezing, inappropriate expressions of affection, invading the dog's "space", yes. But not deliberately hurtful or bullying behaviors. As the mom herself said, "somebody weaker that he can pick on". In this case, I think the few of us who responded were alarmed by the hostility and frightened for the dog. If this were my child, I would be seeking counselling, yet how do you say that in public discussion? 

[Judy, Meg & Polly Wolly Doodle]

I also responded to the original post and have seen this situation with other people in our area in the past.  I am wondering is there is any way to reach out, privately to the original poster and help talk her into sticking around so she can be guided through this?  There must be a way to show her the other Groups and let her privately ask those she may be comfortable with for help.  I can see where she might take things personally and withdraw, just hoping that there is a way to still help her.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

Judy -- This was my attempt at reaching out to her as I believe that she deleted her page and left totally.  Hopefully she might still be reading and will see that we all really do want to help her.

[Rosemary (Ro) and Enzo]

I too, saw the original post. She cared enough to take the time to post and recognized it as a problem. I thought she got some great advice. Wondering why she thought she had to delete? She certainly could have benefited ....unfortunately, my first thought was: this may be heading to a re -home situation.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

I didn't see the post but I'm sure your response was appropriate and kind.  It's too bad that she left.

[Carol and Banjo]

Sherri,  I did read her post, and the very helpful responses, including yours.    I hope she will come back and read your post this morning.     Raising a dog is not always easy, and raising a dog with young children can often be very challenging.   I'm sure we could help her through those challenges.   

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

I didn't see the original post either, but I understand your concern for the situation and the urgency to help.

Actually just read part of the post that Karen provided below, wow my heart breaks for the dog.