Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Sheri, I believe that is Ironic! (I think - haha)

:o)

[F, Calla & Luca]

Years ago, well two anyway, I wrote a DK discussion on civility. I don't remember what prompted it or why I closed it. But I don't think it provoked nearly the negative responses this one did. I think it was different because I asked for cooperation in making DK a more pleasant place without trying to lecture to people.

Of course, I being a stubborn human being, recognize another in you Clark. Otherwise we may never have butted heads : ) But I do believe we need to try to see our own traits and modify them when they get in our way. Sticking with a position we have come to realize is not right is not helpful. But I do not think you are a blowhard gasbag.

http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/civilitybe-nice?commentId=...

[ClarkP]

We are like two peas in a pod!  ;-)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I hoped by posting a discussion that one is asking for opinions/comments that are different from one's personal knowledge.  Hopefully we get answers that are outside of our 'box' of knowledge.  That is the point - or at least I thought it was.

However, I think Denise has a point in not posting if you don't have anything nice to say.  If our posts fall on deaf ears anyway, I guess we should just ignore that discussion entirely.  If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?  If a discussion happens and everyone ignores it, will it go away?

[Christine & Camus]

I've read through each and every comment to this post and I found myself getting really irritated (although  at times I giggled). I was not irritated by the comments but by the post itself.  I have found the Doodle Kisses community to be a highly supportive group with intelligent and caring people.  Okay at times people get upset, but we are all human and this IS a public forum.  No one enjoys a lecture, ask any child - I am certain they would agree.  We are not children and I do not think a lecture is an appropriate post.  If I post in the forum and some one disagrees with something I said, so be it. I can think about it and if I decide it is something I need to consider I will. If the comment does not apply I do not have to give it any further thought. Just my opinion.

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

A fair and true opinion.  Well said.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

LIKE

[F, Calla & Luca]

Yup.

[Adina P]

I think this is an interesting discussion. Some other random thoughts that popped back into mind right as I laid down to sleep. Someone on the internet NEEDS my opinion ;)

1) It is interesting how the culture of the forum determines responses and the HOW of responses. In some doodle forums with people just as passionate about doodles and dogs I would really be somewhat scolded by my choice to use collar corrections in training. People would try to 'educate' me about 'better' methods or why my philosophy is harmful to my dogs. A majority of them believe a truth and are willing to be a bit firmer in their delivery of said truth. Whereas on here fewer would bat an eyelash. We don't care less but we see things differently and thus the mention of a choke chain or prong would not stir up as much emotion.

2) Most people believe that breast milk is better for an infant (who can't make decisions for himself) than using a replacement formula. It can well be argued with scientific facts that this belief is right and true. Thus it can well be argued that one should breastfeed rather than formula feed or that formula is inferior to breast milk. Yet most would agree that nobody should pressure a mother to choose one way or make a mom feel bad for her choice or that formula feeding is wrong, right? How can this be so in this arena of choices but not in others? Discussion fodder.

3) How does one support a person without condoning actions? On a forum, it is different but what analogies could we draw from close relationships? A child living a lifestyle one believes is wrong, wasteful or just plain stupid?

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

"...most would agree that nobody should...make a mom feel bad for her choice or that formula feeding is wrong,"

The problem is that there are some people, and I believe this stems from insecurities, low self-esteem, and sometimes an emotional disorder, whose feelings will be hurt by anything that even implies that their choice is not the best one. So let's say Allyson makes a comment about planning to breastfeed Charlotte, and someone else says how much they enjoyed breastfeeding, how she thinks it's healthier than formula, and how it helped her develop a closer bond with her baby. I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who would be reading these comments which are in no way directed at them, and they would "be made to feel bad", even though nobody can "make you feel" anything. In the mind of this kind of insecure, easily offended person, these people are being judgmental of her choices and implying that she is a bad mother for not breastfeeding, even though not one word was said to her. This kind of thing has happened here a few times, and I'm shocked every time it does. Again, it boils down to the way people see things; if someone is insecure and needs the validation of others in order to have a good opinion of themselves, anything that seems to be critical of their choices, even something like someone saying a particular dog food isn't a good food, sounds like an insult to them. It's impossible to avoid hurting this kind of person's feelings, unless you never express an opinion.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

LIKE

[F, Calla & Luca]

Interesting if somewhat strange analogies Adina. As to the first we are a varied yet terrific bunch and usually tolerate many different ways of doing things.

As to the second I firmly do believe some pressure, but not coercion, should be put on mom's to breastfeed. I remember going back for a visit with my infant son to a hospital where I worked. A formidable breast surgeon greeted me with, "I hope you are breast feeding him." Fortunately I was but had I not been it would have been understandable. I once got caught in awful Manhattan traffic trying to get back to him before I burst : ) He wouldn't have starved though.

As to the third, I still tell my sons that they are going to hear what I think but then they are going to do what they decide is best. They know I love and support them but that I don't always agree with their decisions.