Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Huge kudos and thanks due to those of you who come here, some of you daily to answer and help lots of people who look for advice and answers and sometimes just a virtual hand to hold.  They get the most expert, impartial advice from experienced Dog owners. If you want to know about feeding issues, behavior and training not to mention fostering and everything in -between (including photography) DK has it all.  It is, in my humble opinion the very best of this type of forum on the web.

If on the other hand they ask 'how to dump my dog' because it inconveniently got ill' or something equally odious they firstly get a very polite answer full of truth and if they are not humbled they do get what they deserve.  Those who tell lies or pull the wool are outed as the members here are generally of higher than average intelligence and some could earn their living as a detective if they so choose.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Thanks Nicky and don't forget yourself and so many others. And thanks for the "Irish speak" lesson.  I love stuff like taking a kip and Bob's your uncle but most of the books I've read are English not Irish :-) 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

My language is stranger still because I pepper it with Irish idioms and Yiddish which makes for an interesting combination 'to be sure' (to be sure=Irish for 'in reality' )

The two you mention are English. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I was going to say I'd love to hear Yiddish expressions spoken with an Irish accent.

My ex-boyfriend's band was called Bob's Yer Uncle, and the lead singer was from Liverpool.

[Donna K & Quincy]

Joanne I <3 U.

[Carol and Banjo]

Hats off to you Joanne and to the others who give so freely  of their time...trying to make a difference!

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Oh goodness...I agree that there's no room or need for rudeness, but honesty should be expected and appreciated. Personally, I have learned from so many of you and I wouldn't want you any other way! 

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

Ditto

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

All I see here are wonderful caring people who go out of their way to help others.  I do see people posting questions and not liking some of the replies they get.  I do see people getting passionate and heated.  I do see the best forum on the internet (too bad if you aren't a doodle lover) ; )

[Christine & Camus]

Not trying to be off topic, but has anyone noticed the forum tab is no longer available and discussions are not listed on the left side of the main page?  At least I do not see them?

[Adina P]

Tech problems when you least need them... any other tabs that you notice missing?  PM me so as to not derail this thread.

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I think the point of this was missed by many.  It is not in reference to any post.  It is not in reference to any member specifically.  My point in a nutshell is you can generally make a point or express an opinion without being mean-spirited, critical and rude.  If the conversation by another contributor or takes that turn from the original poster  then say what you need.  But the first time someone asks a question or states that they had to do something that others might not have agreed with your first comment does not have to be so critical and judgmental.    A little bit of empathy goes a long way in reaching someone.  When someone feels they are being attacked they get defensive, natural instinct.  Why no just try to walk in their shoes or think that maybe there is more to the story that you don't know?