Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Denise, it it difficult to respond to you since I know you personally. I'm saying this with empathy and compassion and sticking it between a bunch of cuddly words here somewhere. ......I truly want you to walk in our shoes as you say....
People learn by example. Join in, instead of coming on once a month and saying you don't like it here or you dont want to partake. Show the compassion and empathy you want to see here in the posts. Be a leader. You don't have to dig into all of them, but we truly do need good people in this world and on here too.
Set the example you speak of ...But be prepared for differing and individual opinions.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Denise, I am confused by this statement. You say it is not in reference to any post or member, but it is in regards to DoodleKisses and the people on this site, right? I just think there are always going to be hot topics on DK that get people revved up and most of the time if the original poster took a minute to read the guidelines, search by topic, or lurk for just a bit, they would realize that when you post some comment about getting a dog cheaply, breeding their cute dog because they love it so much, or getting rid of a dog because it got too hard, etc., you are going to get hit with lots of opinions, because you are on a dog loving site. There is just no good way sometimes to sugarcoat the obvious. I do understand what you are saying about empathy and people getting defensive, but I think when you are dealing with a wide diversity of people over the internet it is going to happen from time to time.

[Elizabeth, Bailey & Bruin]

Nicely put Laurie... : )

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

When I first read this yesterday, it made me feel a little like I was being "preached at".  It seemed a bit condescending to me.  I've lived 65 years, and I think I know how to express myself and avoid being rude.  Then I thought more about it and came to the conclusion that this post was not intended to make me feel this way....it's just the way it was presented.  That is ironic since it was the whole point of the post.  Anyway, I decided that I own my own feelings and I chose to just forget it and go to bed.  This morning I've been thinking about how we are all so different and yet we come together in this community and interact every day.  In my non-cyber world I tend to chose friends who are really open and direct...I like always knowing where you stand with them, and I find them the most interesting. In reality most of my good friends are a lot like me.  Here on DK I've come to know and really care about people with incredible diversity.  I love how there are so many differing views on things....it truly brings diversity of thinking to my world, and that's pretty precious.  So unless someone is outright attacking another (and I don't see that happening), I enjoy the varied points of view and the richness they bring to a discussion.  If everyone agrees with me, I never learn and grow.  So from my perspective, let's keep the dialog flowing.  If I ever am feeling like I'm being "attacked", I'll openly say so.  My guess is that would never have been the intent.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I agree youngster : )

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Me too. :)

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Me three!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Jane, just a couple of years behind you and feel much the same as you do.  Keep the dialog flowing.    

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

Actually Jane, if you read a little bit back, Denise responded to something I posted saying she did in fact intend to come across the way we've preceived it. Unless I misunderstood ...

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Jane, I agree 100% with you. We are all so different.  I who live in Ireland have a further communication problem  Even though we all speak and write English we do it very differently and that adds another interesting thread in the wonderful tapestry that is DK.  I have had to learn to say things and use words that I may not normally do in Ireland.  

We say everything is 'grand' when we mean it's Ok.

We say it's a soft day when the rain is down for the day

We say 'you're losing the run of yourself' if someone has got too big for their boots

We say someone is a codger if they are roguish.

We say 'cop onto yourself' when we mean you need to take a step back and stop your nonsense.

I could go on and on and on...If you come to Ireland I will teach you all how the Irish communicate, usually in a pub with a glass of guinness!

I think what I'm trying to say is that there as many styles of writing as there are people here.  I have never seen any answers to original posts that are disrespectful or rude.  I love the richness and variety of answers from people who are often so generous with their time. I don't want anything to change except to meet some of you someday in person. X N

[Becka]

Nicky these are wonderful! I'm a poet and a translator and I'm always looking for interesting idioms like this. Thank you! I am going to adopt "losing the run of yourself" into my personal vocabulary and see if I can't get it to catch on in the U.S.!

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

That would be as you say, awesome.  lol