New Doodle Humor Article - When Your Dog is a Pussy Cat

[Amy Vansant Brunell]

By Amy Vansant
From: KidFreeLiving.com Humor Blog

Knocking on my front door unleashes Gordon’s inner-Hell Hound. My Labradoodle’s bark sounds like 200 pounds of pure muscle and gnashing teeth. Pitbull schmittbull. Beware the mean-ass Doodle.

Alas, in reality, he is a 60lb Muppet. We joke that if a robber ever came into the house, Gordon would proceed to show him around the house, pointing out where we keep the silver and jewelry as he went. If the robber brought a treat, Gordon would help him pack our stuff. About the only chance we would have is if Gordon squiggle excitedly through the robber’s legs during his “happy to see you!!!” dance, the thief tripped, and managed to crack his head on the kitchen counter.

Simply put — our dog is a pussy cat.

It isn’t just the general friendly demeanor that makes our pup such a pushover. Sitting in the backyard, watching Gordon make his daily sniff of the perimeter, we will see him suddenly running across the yard, his back end moving faster than his front, nervously glancing behind him the entire way like he’s being chased by a Mama Grizzly Bear (a real one, not a Sarah Palin one).

He is, of course, not being chased by a grizzly bear. Or a mean stray dog, or a rabid squirrel or a particularly relentless Girl Scout selling cookies.  In reality, a scary leaf fell from a tree and landed on his rump when he didn’t expect it, sending him into a panicked sprint across the yard to mommy and daddy.

This happens about once a week.

If there is thunder outside,  you have to be sure to switch the light before you go into any bathroom, or you’ll find a lumpy, furry bathmat underfoot. I guess bathrooms are the closest thing to a bomb shelter Gordon can find when the terrifying booming starts. This behavior started after we went camping at my brother-in-law’s hunting spot and he shot a gun with Gordon nearby, but safely behind him. As soon as that gun went off, Gordon stood up, said; “Thanks for the treats, gotta go!” and took off at light speed in the opposite direction. He had changed his name and was living with another family four states away before we knew what happened.

Side note: I have to give the best Thunder Shelter award to my last dog, Duppy, a white mutt who basically looked like someone’s beautiful Samoyed got loose and mated with the scruffiest stray in the neighborhood. (I found him, so I don’t know his parentage for sure, but let’s just say someone was clearly slumming.)  Anyway, once during a thunder storm I found Duppy under the bathroom sink behind a solid wall of relatively undisturbed toilet paper rolls. He was a good 45lbs – to this day I have no idea how he got back there without knocking over the rolls. I swear he got so scared he teleported himself to that spot.

Back to my current scaredy-cat. We have a pair of Dachshunds in the neighborhood who take daily walks with their owners. If Gordon is on his perch in the bay window, he’ll bark at them as they pass like a big tough guy. Why wouldn’t he really… he outweighs them by about 50lbs. Then, the other day, he was out getting the paper when he spotted the two old hot dogs trotting up the street. He immediately grabbed his newspaper and skittered up the driveway in such a panic that he knocked over a plant on the porch as he whipped into the house. Two leashed wiener dogs 100 feet away had just sent him flying into the house like he was being chased by fanged demons.

Gordon’s other nemeses behind the glass of that bay window are the two or three cats we have in the neighborhood.  They walk right up on the porch and defiantly stare at him, while he has a meltdown growling and barking, punching the glass with his paws. He doesn’t fool them. Once he got out and ran right up to a cat who just stood its ground and arched its back. In an instant, Gordon went totally cat-blind. One second he was out for blood, the next second he was innocently wandering away from the scene of the oncoming nose-swatting, looking everywhere but at the cat. He stood two feet from the cat and refused to look at it or acknowledge it in any way. Then he nonchalantly sniffed around the yard a moment and came in like nothing had happened. Cat? What cat? I didn’t see any cat. Stop your crazy talk, Mommy.

We should have seen this coming. When he was about two we found Gordon sitting out in the yard, nose to nose with a baby bird just learning to fly. He lay there for 15 minutes, carefully snorfing the baby bird, and then he just wandered away. Even a baby bird didn’t see the point of escape from the Cowardly Doodle.

So basically he’s a Disney dog.  Barking, cartoon foam flying everywhere – and then in the next scene talking to the blue bird sitting on his nose.

*Note to robbers: The wimpy dog story is not entirely true. If you broke into our house he would tear you limb from limb. He would actually tie you up first and torture you, Dexter-like, until you begged to be put out of your misery. Just so you know.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Very funny. I live with a scaredy cat too. His name is Vern and he runs the same way Gordon does, glancing behind him if he is scared. Gordon and Vern could start a group....Chicken Doodles. Loved the picture too.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Too funny....thanks for the laugh this morning!

[Frannie & Callie]

LOVED this! Great story and great writing!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

What a great blog! Thanks for starting my day with laughter! I have an 86 lb. pussy cat here, too; in fact, he is afraid of the real pussycat, who is 16 years old and weighs 7 lbs!

[Amy Vansant Brunell]

It's funny to hear back that other doodles are a little on the wimpy side too -- I was afraid it was my incessant babying that did it... though you probably all do that too... :)

[Frannie & Callie]

Nope - I know several wimpy doodles. My favorite is when Callie cowers behind my legs and growls (almost inaudably)

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

This is so funny - thank you for sharing. You are a great writer and this story is hilarious. I especially love the photo of your old dog. It is amazing how he got in the cabinet without knocking anything over - crazy!

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Thanks for starting my day off with a good laugh!!! Excellent!

[Lynn D.]

Another WONDERFUL article!

Very humorous.

[Kim]

Almost my Allie to a "T" other than the running away from other dogs / animals - she would run up to them and then shriek like she is being tortured to death when they want to play. I LOVED the running away (back faster than front) description!!!!! LOL. Thanks for the funny story - I needed it!

[Linda and Murphy]

Very funny. Thanks for sharing. This is soo Murphy. Especially the leaf.
The only thing worse was when Murphy was sitting on the dock, enjoying the sunset, a giant pelican dove 5 feet from him. He never saw it coming...and they make a tremendous splash..like a belly buster. He flew off the dock to the house..his feet hit the ground twice, I think. He's scared of the dock now and all things that fly.

[Amy Vansant Brunell]

Gordon would have literally jumped out of his skin if that happened to him! You would just see a curly brown rug where he had been and a naked streak of pink flesh heading up the ramp from the dock!