UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

I know a lot about guilt and it is very destructive. A turning point for me was when a therapist said to me. 'Suppose you are guilty?' ' How long are you going to continue punishing yourself, even murderers get out of prison in ten or 15 years'  This was following the loss of my baby son, he died of SIDS and It happened on my first day back to work. I was ten minutes late home and he had died ten minutes previously.  Everybody said that there was nothing I could have done and that he could have died while I was home, even in the next room. None of those words helped because the guilt was so enormous. The fact that somebody actually agreed with me and asked me to then decide what I was going to do with my guilt was a turning point for me. It did take a good two years for me to return to my new normal. I'm not suggesting you do that here but sometimes just looking at a problem from a different angle changes the perspective. 

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh Nicky...........I wish I could give you hug....for your loss, for your selfless sharing...

[F, Calla & Luca]

I am so sorry you went through this and I hope you have come to realize you were in fact blameless.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

The overwhelming guilt did leave but if I'm honest there is still a little bit of me that says I failed him. But it is very deep and I consider myself incredibly lucky that I went on to have two more children that are totally adored and loved. For me, the glass is always half full.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Your glass.  It shows Nicky

[Jarka, Monty & Auggie]

So sorry you had to go through this, Nicky!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Nicky, I am so sorry for your loss and for your feelings of guilt.  Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Your sharing helps others.

[Adrienne]

So sorry to hear about your loss.  Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure that it will help others.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

Oh goodness.  SIDS is a huge fear of mine.  Thank you for sharing - you are amazing.

 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Nicky, Thank you so much for sharing and hugs to you from across the big pond!  This helped me even. 

How long do we blame and punish ourselves?

I do think now, that Carly is punishing herself and feels guilty and may not allowing herself to love a new  puppy.

Hey Carly, it is okay to love this new little guy too!  Love Vinnie and Bunker. You have a lot of love to give many dogs.

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Oh Nicky, my heart goes out to you.  That is a very generous share on your part.  

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Nicky.  I truly understand.