UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Christine & Camus]

Oh Nicky, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are so right about guilt being destructive, I'm glad you found the right person to help you work through it.

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Oh Nicky, I'm sending you a big hug.  For what you went through and for how you turned it around.  Thank you for sharing and I hope you know now in your heart it was never your fault. 

[Christine & Camus]

My advice - It is Okay to feel the loss for as long as the grieving process takes. I still have times when I think of Nietzsche and tears come, but I am very careful not to compare Camus to Nietzsche or make my sadness his.  I still miss Nietzsche, but I love my Camus too.  Let your friend know that her feelings are real and that she can build a relationship with her new pup without denying her grief.  Try to compartmentalize. 

And as far as PTSD, a very good friend of mine had a dog for 18 years.  When he passed she fell apart.  However, she realized she needed some help and ended up seeing a therapist.  Worked wonders for her. 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Christine, I have often admired you ever since the tragic illness and death of Nietzsche.  I think I remember it so well because I loved the philosopher Nietzsche too.  I do gravitate and remember your stories.  My memory is not always so keen with other members as it is with you.

You also, after all the illness of Nietzshche, took on a tremendous job of adopting another special needs dog, Camus.

You have done a fantastic job with Camus!   It has been great to see it all evolve with Camus while still keeping Nietzsche in your very big heart.

It really is good to see, that other people do seek out grief counseling for Dogs!  Something I think others may poo-poo but really, these dogs are our Family.  Many of us, Our Lives

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I was one who took advantage of grief counseling after I lost my first dog (as an adult). I was fortunate in that my vet's office employs a grief counselor (who is also a CGC and TDI evaluator.) It helped a lot, especially the group sessions, where you could share your feelings with other people who knew exactly how you felt because they were dealing with the same feelings. 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

How insightful your vet's office is to see the need and offer this service!   I think there is a great need for this in the public.  Our dog's are our family member.

Good to know it helps. Thank you, Karen.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

Lordy I know I am going to need that when I lose my first dog as an adult.  Ugh. Dread the day.  But try not to think of it.

 

 

[Star and Goldie]

I lost my first dog as an adult right as my daughter was about to be born. I was so heartbroken to lose my dog but was so overjoyed to bring my daughter into this world. For this reason and the timing, I often ask myself if I even grieved enough. However, now that my daughter is absolutely attached to Riley and Goldie, when something happens to one of them both of our worlds will shatter. I feel like I will grieve even more because I will be grieving for the both of us.

[Christine & Camus]

Thank you for your kind words Joanne. 

[Donna K & Quincy]

Joanne, this is so sad, I hope she finds a way to move on and bond with her new puppy. I sense that having this new puppy is only adding to her guilt at this time. I have no advice but have a very good idea of what your friend is feeling. There are times now when I look at Quincy and feel a grief for when he will no longer be here. I just cannot imagine my life without him. I have to give myself a little shake and remind myself to enjoy every moment now. Is that warped?

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Oh no!  Not warped. If it is,  then we are both guilty.  For some reason, since menopause, I get extreme anxiety about my kids, my husband, my dog.  Wakes me up at night.  Maybe because, for once, through all the crap of jobs and finances, I'm still so very content and happy with the here and now, for ONCE in my life. I just don't want this time, this now, to ever end 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Living in the now, that is the best advice of all.