UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Carol and Banjo]

Donna,  I do the same thing.   One day as Banjo was led out of the examining room at the vets for blood work, I was left sitting there alone and my mind went to thinking about being there someday in the future and not coming home with him and I had all I could do to not break down in sobbing tears.   That IS warped.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

I think every day about how fast time is going - I really have to stop myself from thinking "oh my gosh in x years, the dogs will not be here and C will be x years old".  I really must live for each day and be thankful for everything I have. I feel like my life could not get better than it is now. 

It is warped. I totally agree.

[F, Calla & Luca]

No, Donna,I do the same with my two. I have found though that life happens differently than we imagine but that doesn't stop me imagining anyway.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Maybe this will seem crazy to others, but I truly believe that things that happen in our lives are meant to be.  They are meant to happen to us so that we can ultimately become who we were born to be.  I have always tried to believe that these experiences were mine alone and collectively they make me who I am.  Before our son Timmy was born we lost a baby.  We were older and had so wanted that baby.  My heart broke and I started to play the "what if" game....I was working such long stressful hours at that time...maybe it was my fault.  A few months later I got pregnant again, and we had our Down Syndrome son, Tim.  I always felt that the son we lost (Christopher) had sent Tim to us to fill the empty place in my heart.  He was special and needed my love more than any "normal" child....so I got busy right away creating the best life that I possible could for Tim.  This helped me so much to get over my loss....I was consumed with what I COULD DO for Tim and let go of the guilt I had over Christopher.  I still think of him and pray to him all the time...I mourn the fact that I never got to know him....but I'm so thankful for Tim.  So "what if"...Bunker sent Vinnie to your friend to fill the hole in her heart, and "what if" he's counting on her to let go of the guilt and make the best "dog life" ever for this new puppy.  Maybe seeing it that way could help her the way it did me.  Bless you Joanne for trying to help.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Bless you, Jane. Thank you for coming in here to share that story!   

Thank you, Bunker for sending Vinnie to fill Carly's days.  Carly, hold on to Vinnie and mourn. After all, he is here to help you and he needs you too.  He needs your love. 

Geesh, is this a tearful day on DK?   A good day, but I did not plan this at all.  Thank you to all of you for helping Carly. Funny, your help and sharing has helped me too.

Group HUG

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

GROUP HUG

 

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

That sounds just perfect Jane.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Thank you for sharing. I also believe that we can control much of our lives, there are certain things that are meant to be.  I do believe Christopher sent Tim to you because you would be such a great mom for him. 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

A ((hug)) ... and I think your "what if" has a lot of truth in it.

[F, Calla & Luca]

While, I don't really believe everything happens for a reason, at least no explicable one, I do believe that we are unique products of our genetics, and experiences. I am sorry you lost Christopher. We on DK who have never even met Tim know and love him though.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Someone I know of just graduated with a counseling degree.  She often mentions she does grief counseling.   Recently, she began a webcast through a Facebook page where you could write her and ask her any question.  Once a week, she covers issues.  I've really enjoyed the webcasts even though most of the issues do not apply to me so far: adult children of abuse, relationship breakups, etc.

I have sent her a message with this link to see what she thinks about covering this topic, or to let me know if there many grief counselors out there who cover this issue, or anything she would like to add or let me know.  Maybe there are online forums?  If not, certainly there should be! 

We shall see.  She certainly would understand as she is a animal lover herself.

I'll let us know if she answers me.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I sent her this link.  She also has the oldest puppy I have seen in a very long time  :)  Adorable, very geriatric dog.  Love!   I think she told me the dog was 17+

Here is some of her response to me.

I feel inspired to do a segment on grieving the loss of a pet. I know three people who have experienced it this week alone. I know I am going to be having it soon with my border collie. People underestimate the value of cats and dogs (and other types of pets) in our lives.

Maybe our conversation here will lead to a  topic that  many people go through and feel so deeply with this experience.   With her permission, if she does cover this topic, I will link anyone interested the webcast.