As some of you may remember, although discussions now roll off the front page faster than lightning, Vern was told he was overweight on his last visit to the vet. Vern and Tara (of Ricki and Tara) are now semi-involved in a Biggest Loser contest and it became clear to me this week that Vern does not stand a chance of winning.
First of all, Ricki is continually cutting Tara’s hair, forcing her to go potty before the weigh ins, removing her collar, trimming her nails, and anything else she can think of to cheat that scale.
Have any of you seen Vern recently? He rolls every single day and has half of our yard in his hair. Seriously, pulling everything out of his hair before a weigh in would be my new full time job. How am I expected to get my photography assignments done, cook my gourmet meals, write blogs, throw the ball for Fudge, and have deep and abiding conversations with my husband, if I am spending all day picking yard debris off of Vern? Even if I cut out the gourmet meals, I would still not have enough time in my day.
Ricki also has an advantage because she can weigh Tara at home. I have no idea how to weigh Vern at our house. He doesn’t fit on the scale and if I tried to pick him up and put both of us on our household scale, the scale would either break or say, “You are killing me! Get off of me right now!” It just can’t be done at home and I don’t have time to run him up to the vet’s and frankly, Vern hates the vet’s and the grocery stores and butcher shops have regulations about bringing dogs into their facilities. Not gonna happen!
Plus, I have my own weighing tricks and I prefer to do it naked in a room without witnesses and if I try and weigh a naked me and hoist Vern onto the scale at the same time, the only benefit I can see is that I wouldn’t have to worry about emptying my bladder first, because I am sure it would be emptying while I stood on that scale holding Vern. I love Vern, too, and if he is afraid of a dressed man in a lawn chair, God only knows what he would do if he saw me unclothed. I even try and warn John so he doesn’t scream out in fright.
Now, we have an even bigger problem than whose husband screams when they see me naked. It seems that Vern is not a big fan of most vegetables. I tried the baby carrots as treats that someone suggested and I would like to take a moment to curse thank that person. The baby carrots seemed to scare Vern. I gave each of the dogs one baby carrot and Fudge took hers into the foyer and after the initial confusion about what it was, seemed to like the new treat. Meanwhile, Vern ran into the living room with his carrot and promptly jumped up on his Coolaroo bed and dropped it on the bed.
He then would put it back in his mouth, gnaw on it for a second, drop it, and start digging on his bed. The only thing he did with that carrot was manage to get bits and pieces of it all over the living room floor and his bed. I don’t think he swallowed any of it, but rather took a taste and spit it out. ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM!!
It seems the dog that eats Kleenex, goose poop, mud, sticks, and anything else gross, has a very discerning palate when it comes to vegetables.
Green beans did not go over much better. I put a bowl down for each dog and Vern stuck his nose in his bowl and quickly ran to Fudge’s to see if she had anything better. Then he faced an even bigger dilemma…which bowl should I pick up the green beans from and then drop them uneaten on the kitchen floor? Eventually, he decided the answer was neither and avoided the bowls all together, although my skinny dog, Fudge, loved the green beans. I tried the frozen green beans, canned green beans, and even tried mashing them thinking it was the texture that bugged him. I thought about using the Captain Crunch toppers someone recently mentioned their dog loved, but that seemed to me to be defeating the purpose of the green beans. Oh, and before anyone suggests fruits, he did the same thing with strawberries, bananas, and blueberries.
Now what do I do?? Does anyone know if Kleenex has any calories and if that would be an acceptable, low calorie topper for Vern’s food? What about mud and how much can I give before it is considered an episode of My Strange Addiction? What about corncobs? Vern likes to chew on the ones squirrels leave in our yard. How about that as a topper??
Please help me or Tara is going to end up being a Loser…..oops, I meant to say Biggest Loser.
DISCLAIMER: Please only use approved toppers for your dogs found in the DK Food Group!! I know nothing and can provide references to prove it :) Do not use ACV, corncobs, mud, or Kleenex!
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