Awwww, you have to let him be a dog!

[BG and Gavin]

I have a wonderful friend who I am convinced tries to derail my training,  It seems that  every time I am with her and issue a command or make a correction with Gavin she says "Awwww, you have to let him be a dog!"  In fact if I had a dollar for every time she said it, I would be a wealthy person!  She says "he is such a good dog, I don't know why you want to do more training."  She knows he is not allowed on furniture and was even calling him up on her couch as I said "no."  At first it kinda seemed like a joke, but she persisted - "my house, my rules" she said.  I was glad Gavin did not do it.  On our walk she rolled her eyes as I tested his off leash recall "leave him alone, he's not doing anything wrong."  And when I corrected him for pulling on leash she said "he can't help himself, he is just being a dog."  I had a minor explosion.  I told her he can "be a dog" when I say and that if I do not have control over him when I need it, it is a safety issue for both of us.  He nearly pulled me down some icy steep stairs to the beach when he was overcome by excitement after seeing another dog at the bottom a couple of weeks ago.  Should I just let him "be a dog" in that situation?  Why do people do this?  The only thing I can think of is that she has had dogs in her life and has never done any formal training.  I guess this is more of a rant, but does anyone else have this experience or have any insight into why people do this or how it should be handled.  She is a very dear friend but I am afraid she that I am really going to lose it on her soon.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I really don't think this has anything to do with dogs. I think people do this for the same reason they try to get a person who follows a healthy eating plan or exercise program to "Have a donut, go ahead, it won't hurt you, you can afford it." Or "Why do you have to go to the gym today, it won't kill you to skip it one time."  Jealousy. It's threatening to them. You are doing something that they secretly feel they themselves should be doing but they don't have the energy or motivation, so they try to get you to not do it, too, so they can feel better about themselves.

Ignore her.

[Anne G.]

Well said Karen! I agree 100%. My brother thinks it is silly to deny Murphy "people food scraps". The reality is that his dogs (Labs who are food-aholics) are morbidly obese. Whenever I say anything about their size, I'm told that they are "husky". I sympathize when the important people in our lives try to sabotage the training and eating habits of our beloved doodles!!!!

[Bonnie and Kona]

As you have expressed your frustration and say that you are about ready to lose it, I wonder if  in the interest of the friendship it may be time to actually tell this friend (when Gavin isn't present) how hurt you feel for the criticism she is making about how you are training him. It seems that if she realized she was really upsetting you, she may stop. You are planning to use him as a therapy dog if I recall and therefore will need him to have a higher standard of behavior than she did at her house. I agree with Karen that she may feel a little uncomfortable that she never put the energy and time into training her dogs and is justifying it with her criticism of you.

Your DK friends admire the incredible work you are doing with this great dog of yours. I hope your friend catches on.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I agree with this so much. If you are truly close friends and there is genuine and mutual caring there, it might be time to have a conversation with her about what you are trying to accomplish with Gavin and how her attitude makes you feel. You can tell her that you know that it is not important to everyone that their dogs are trained to this level, and you respect that, but this is something that is important to you, and you hope the people who care about you would respect that.

And I am one of your DK friends who absolutely admires the work you are doing.

[BG and Gavin]

Thank you Bonnie and Karen for the respect :) and the good advice.  We have known each other for 36 years.  I absolutely know in my heart it is her issues that are causing it, so I say that to myself in my head.  I have tried to explain my training goals (on many, many occasions) and more recently my therapy dog program dream, but it does not seem to stick.  Perhaps if I use the actual words "it hurts my feelings when you criticize my training efforts so I hope that you won't bring it up again." 

[Bonnie and Kona]

I hope that bold honesty will get through to her. Sometimes friendships are complicated because all of us are so human. UGH! Ah that we could be more canine. ;o)

[F, Calla & Luca]

Well said. I am not the most diligent trainer and don't care about certain training goals. Yet I wouldn't dream of letting someone else's dog do what I've been asked to not let it do. You have to respect the owner's wishes.

[Cathy w/Shiloh~Cody]

Its almost like a grandma that spoils the grandkids and gives them root beer floats before dinner. The grandma ignores the parents when they ask them not to do something. I would ask your friend to respect your training or you will not be bringing the dog around her anymore. 

[BG and Gavin]

I guess I know how parents feel now lol/

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Oh, just wait. The other parents will make their opinions of how you raise your kids known to you, too. Whether you are stricter than they are or more lax, anything you make your kids do, don't make your kids do, let your kids do or don't let your kids do will be commented on if it's different from what they do. Fun times!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

People are all so different.  I have a few friends and some family members who are not dog people at all, and it's clear to me that they think that all the time I spend with my guys is just crazy.  The fact that we are still working with a trainer twice a week seems ridiculous to them.  They just don't get it...and they never will.  It's their right to feel differently than I do about "raising a dog", but they don't have the right to interfere with what I'm trying to do.  I've declined invitations that would involve several hours because I didn't want to leave G & M alone for that amount of time, and there was no offer for us to bring them alone.  Needless to say, this did not go over too well.  I just say "this is my choice to make" and I hope you'll understand.  If they don't then they wern't true friends anyway.  You are doing a wonderful job with Gav's training.  It's something that is important to you, and your friend needs to understand that a lack of consistency will undermine all the work you've done and is just unfair to Gavin.  If she's really your friend, she'll understand...but I think you'll have to lay it right on the line.

[Esther and Joey]

i've experienced the EXACT same thing. in fact, it made my fiance really embarrassed and he took it out and asked me to tone it down. my friends and coworkers call me "tiger mom" in reference to the book that was controversial last year.

at the end of the day, YOU are the one who will live with this dog for 10+ years. don't mind what other people say, do what you feel is right. joey is 10 months old and from the beginning i've been very strict with her. i know that the work will pay off, and it already is! do what works for you. this is your relationship with your dog. and yes, the reason we train our dogs is because we don't want them to just "be a dog", especially the likes of an untrained dog!