Another Scary Halloween Story Involving My Mom and a Two-Week Visit!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

Based on what I know about scary Halloween stories, I think I have a real doozy. A really great, scary story causes your heart to start pounding and increases your breathing rate.  You can experience moments of sheer terror and begin to feel panicky and on edge. The most frightening Halloween stories involve lots of trembling and screaming, and yesterday, I experienced all of these symptoms and more, after hanging up the phone after a conversation with my mom.  You see, she had just informed me she is coming for a two-week visit over Thanksgiving.  A good scary story also has a bad guy and in this case, it would be my sister, who extended the invitation, knowing full well that my mom usually stays at my house.

 

It all started when my middle sister invited my mom out here a week before Thanksgiving to see her son act and sing in a play.  The last play she came out here for, that he was in, was Cabaret.  I had seen the movie starring Joel Grey and Liza Minnelli, so I knew the storyline, but nothing prepared me for my nephew’s director’s interpretation of the show. Talk about scary. I saw more people gyrating that night than I did on my honeymoon and I was so close to the stage that if I hadn’t been covering my eyes and holding back sobs, I could have reached out and touched any one of the scantily clad cast members. 

 

So, you can only imagine my fear when my mother told me this time my nephew was in the musical Miracle on 34^th Street.  I mean, I love that movie and I am praying that this time the director does not feel the need to have the part of the disbelieving mother played by a large woman in a bustier or have Santa’s elves start pulsating against any Christmas trees during one of the musical numbers. I had nightmares after Cabaret for weeks and I would like to be able to continue our family tradition of our yearly viewing of Miracle on 34^th Street without having flashbacks.

 

It isn’t that I don’t love my mother or want her to come, but frankly, she wears me out. My mom lives at a Senior Housing Facility. She has her own studio apartment and stays busier than I do. She does Yoga in the mornings, plays cards most days of the week, loves Wii bowling, reading, TV, and movies. You can take her out all day and come home in the evening and she still wants to know what we have planned for the rest of the night.  Most of the time I will tell her we thought we might just sit and relax the rest of the night, but she interprets that to mean someone wants to play Wii bowling with her.

 

My sister also has the Wii and I have told my mom to pack an overnight bag and I would be more than happy to drive her over there because I hate hogging all of her time, but she just stands there holding the controller. Usually, she tells me to hurry up and move a couple of chairs, one end table, and two lamps out of the way because she feels it will give her a better approach and I guess she thinks all living rooms should be laid out more like a bowling alley.  For those of you who are thinking what a nice little active grandma, think again.  She is very competitive and we have asked her several times to stop acting like she is choking when it is someone’s else turn to bowl. My daughter is the most agreeable to bowling with her, but even she got turned off the one time she beat her several games and my mom came up with some convoluted way to average the games and declare herself the true winner.  When Hayley said that didn’t seem fair, mom told her not to be sore loser.

 

She does like to read and I recommended The Bride Quartet series to her by Nora Roberts to keep her busy.  You can judge me, but some of my reading does include men that throb and women that heave, and my mom loves Nora Roberts. I also don't want to blame my husband for my reading material, but I have been married a long time and have mentioned, on more than one occasion, that I wished someone would woo me, only to have him say, "woo woo," repeatedly when I come to bed, proving that he does not truly understand the concept of wooing.  It didn't take me long to realize I should have kept my mouth shut, because it seems like every phone call now, she is asking me if I have tried half of what the couples are doing in those books and ends with me screaming, "MOM," into the phone. I just know she is going to want to continue the discussion in person and that thought is keeping me up at nights.  I am not ashamed to say that the last time she asked about positions and such, I told her to call my newly married oldest daughter and to use her as a point of reference from here on out. Hey, my daughter did move clear across the country to Oregon, so I figured she probably likes hearing from family and it was the least I could do.

 

Now, if I could just get her to call another sister about her weekly movie night, it would be even better. Every Sunday, two woman that live where she lives and my mother get together to watch a movie.  She was in charge last week of picking the movie and she always worries that the other ladies might not like what she picks out, but was happy to tell me they both LOVED the movie, An Officer and a Gentleman, and Richard Gere.  However, she went on to say that the 95-year-old woman in the group said she had never, in all her days, had sex like that and what did I think about that statement.  Secretly, I was thinking about clearing my house of all R rated movies prior to her visit, so we could avoid these titillating conversations during the duration of her visit, but all I said was, “tell her there is still time,” and she laughed.

 

I feel better today and less afraid. I have decided to stock up on some Sleepy Time Tea and encourage her to substitute tea for coffee at dinner. This should prevent the couple of hours after dinner where she calls my husband into her room to ask for help with either the TV or the DVD player.  She is always very nice about it and always begins her demands with, “I hate to be a bother!”  You can tell, though, that she blames us for her confusion with the controls and she all but accuses us of only buying the TV and the DVD player in her bedroom because the salesman told us that old people cannot operate it without help. She will tell you that all this new technology is going to kill her and I usually nod my head and say, “I really wish they would bring back those black and white TV’s with the rabbit ears,” and then she tells me again she hates to be a bother, but could I find the Game Show Network channel before I leave the room. 

 

 

I am sure many families sit outside during this spooky season, maybe light a fire, make some smores, and tell those scary ghost stories. Most of us have heard the one about the man with the hook, but not everyone has heard about the woman who visited her daughter for two-weeks, so feel free to add this story to your repertoire. I can’t wait to find the right time to scare my husband with this story.

 

Disclaimer: No elderly person was harmed in the making of this blog.

 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Two hysterical comments in one response. You sent it to your Mom and as Ricki noted, "non-competitive dad".

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Ha! Ha! CHOKE!!! Sorry, it was that "non-competitive dad" comment that got me! ;)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, The funny thing is my mom loves blogs about her and only worries that I will post a bad picture of her. I told her some of what it said and she had me send it to her...LOL. Oh, and I definitely take after my non-competitive dad!!

[F, Calla & Luca]

What is your mother's email address? I have a feeling she will love this blog as much as I do and I don't want you to go to the bother of forwarding it. Also, I wonder about the inheritance of competitive streaks.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, I forgot to put that in the blog :)

[Donna K & Quincy]

Move over Vern, Grandma is coming for your chair!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Anna, Thanks for the laugh about the disclaimer. Yes, it might be revised after Thanksgiving :)

Jane, I am cracking up thinking about all of you sitting around and all of a sudden, "her heaving breasts," starts playing. How funny. Too bad she didn't have ear phones, it could have worked out for all of you :)

Ricki, LOL to the foolhardy brave soul part. It is obvious I take after my father!! Yes, I suspect there will be another blog.

Allyson, My mom is 85 and still drives. We are very lucky. I loved those books, #1 and #4 my favorites. My mom says the same thing your grandma says. OMD...I think three kids under the age of six is worse than one 85 year old...LOL! Good luck!!

Lisa, Thank you for feeling my pain :)

[Anna and Achilles]

The disclaimer needs to say YET!

[Anna and Achilles]

two weeks is a really long time. Hope it goes fast. You may need to start drinking a little.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Thanks for the laugh, Laurie!  For the last few years before my Mom passed away, she was legally blind and could no longer read.  She loved her "smutty novels"...actually the more sex the more she like the book.  So she used to get these books on tape.  When she'd be at the beach house with us she would always have to play her books at night in order to fall asleep.  We'd be sitting around in the evening and then the book would go on.  Everyone in the house was totally mortified, especially the men.  Finally when the grandkids came along we had to tell her...."no more trashy books at the beach house".  She saw no reason for that ruling because she believed the kids wouldn't understand what was going on.  When I think back to it now it always puts a smile on my face.