Are Fudge and Vern Hazardous to my Health?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

There is a little bit of freedom living in a town where you don’t know many of the people.  I don’t have to worry about getting all dolled up when I go out to run errands or walk my dogs.   I am definitely not a slob, but have been known to walk my dogs up at the park without putting too much thought into my hair or outfit.  John took one look at my hair sticking up the other day and said I was starting to look like Don King, which caused me to start laughing and peaked Vern’s interest.

This is a complete misrepresentation, because I do not have a mustache!

As Vern danced around, I told John he didn’t like it when he insulted me, and John said he thought Vern was jumping for joy because someone finally told me the truth. 

One night at dinner I was telling my family about a Dr. Phil show I had watched where some women had been stopped in their cars by a policeman who forced them to show him parts of their body to avoid getting a ticket.  Well, I drive fast and I cannot afford any more speeding tickets, so I said, “I guess I am going to have to be prepared to flash my breasts so I don’t get a ticket,” and sure enough, faster than I could say, “Milk Duds,” someone piped in and said, “if I were you, I would think about replacing that sports bra of yours or pray it isn’t the Fashion Police that stops you.”  After that remark, it turned into a live Comedy Roast with me being the one roasted and more than one joke about gravity.  My least favorite one was someone said after I flashed the cop, he would probably say, “ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to put your boobs up!” In the end, the general consensus was that I needed to get something in writing from the cop BEFORE I showed him the goods. 

Well, lately even I have to admit I look bad.  My body is bruised in many places and I really hate to blame Fudge and Vern, but I must. We got the dogs a new floating duck toy and Fudge is obsessed with her new duck. In fact, I had to get another one for Vern so he could have it in his mouth longer than the amount of time it took Fudge to take it from him. 

It even seems like she can tell the difference between her duck and Vern’s because if John accidentally throws Vern’s in the water for her to go fetch, she just looks at him like, “Vern can get his own duck. THROW MINE!” It also doesn’t matter where John throws Vern’s duck, somehow he manages to swim directly into Fudge’s 30 foot lead and get the both of them tangled up and sometimes Fudge can’t get to her duck because she is being drug around by Vern looking for his duck. Between untangling two dogs in the water and keeping track of both of those ducks, I have dinged myself against the boat more than once and it is only a matter of time before Vern tangles me up in Fudge’s line and pulls me under.  I am sure if I get lucky enough to surface with a blue face and gasping for help, all John would say is, “Hey, Mama Smurf, I wondered where you were.”

Fudge also knows when the duck is not in use it is under the steering wheel well behind a clasped door and she has taken to pawing the door and sniffing under it to try and get the duck. I finally relented and gave her the darn duck and she promptly put it in her mouth and went to the front of the boat and tried to drop it overboard. Luckily, it ended up on the small lip in front of the boat, but I suspect she was trying to get me to fetch her duck and doesn’t care that I would have to jump off a moving boat to do it. It also seems to me that every time I have to get out of my seat and complain that I am tired of being the only one who is showing any concern about Fudge and her duck, the boat seems to pitch forward as if someone is trying to propel me into the water. Or course, when I voice my concerns to the Captain, he just smiles and assures me it is my imagination.  Last week, I had to climb back up in the Pontoon boat to get Fudge’s duck and on the way back down, my left leg scraped the anchor and I can’t be sure, but I think I screamed out, “Mother Ducker!”  I am now sporting a bruise the size of a dollar bill on my left thigh.  I also can’t prove who is doing what, but every time I think both ducks should be out in the water one of them ends up on the boat with both dogs looking at me like, “someone needs to get the duck that’s on the boat.” 

 

We had a lot of rain here lately and the other night we had a doozy of a storm.  Vern has never let a little thing like pouring down rain stop him from having to go out in the middle of the night, but it does seem to require more thought on his part and impedes the whole process.  First, there is the initial, “wow, I am getting wet standing here looking around,” followed closely by, “maybe it was just a false alarm,” and ending with, “do I or do I not want to go down those back steps in the dark or can I hold it?”  Well, I don’t care what I have to do, but if Fudge or Vern wakes me up in the middle of the night, one of them is going to produce something liquid or solid before I go back to bed and risk being disturbed again.  I have also found with Vern that if he fails the initial audition, he has no problem asking you for additional tryouts throughout the night until he is successful, so our goal is always to make it happen the first time. Unfortunately, as I was persuading Vern that it would be in his best interest to go down those steps, I slipped on one of the lower steps and down I went.

Apparently, slippery steps, bare feet, and a 100-pound dog pulling against you are not a good combination and the result was I ended up upended and wet and slightly battered.  I will say it got the dog’s attention and they bounded right over top of me and both squatted and peed.  It actually worked better than standing there yelling, “go potty, Vern,” numerous times, although I think I prefer our tried and true method.  Thankfully, I was not hurt, just very wet, and proceeded to make my way back to the bedroom, change my clothes, and wake John up to tell him what happened and then pray the realization that he almost lost me did not keep him awake half the night.  It didn’t, but then again, we all handle stress differently.

 

If seems as if every day, I am sporting another bruise and for many of them, I have no recollection as to how they got there.  I am starting to think my two Doodles might be having the zoomies every night after I fall asleep and one of the zooms takes them over top of me in bed as I sleep.  Surely, I would wake up, but then again, I seem to let a lot of things go when in comes to those dogs.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I've told this story before, but this reminds me of FJ.  He lived on a very busy 4 lane road just about to the intersection.  Cars were stopped at the traffic light as his let his dog out just before 8 am.  Slipping on the ice, he feel down the steps  into his front yard, robe flew open, and he laid there helpless. < insert visual here> A month later, he had knee surgery.

So lessons learned, wear clothes ( not just a robe ) when letting out your dog. 

[Gail and Bailey]

Laurie...this is why winter is my favorite season...long sleeves and jeans cover all those mysterious bruises!  :)

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

another winner...thanks for the chuckles....

[Lonnie &amp; Libby Lu]

Love this blog and sorry about your Mailman, sometimes the word "postal" rings a bell!  Mother Ducker don't you know that every good woman knows her "own duck"! Yay for Fudge:)

[Sheila & Finnley]

Aaaah those mystery bruises, I know them well ! Sometimes I find them when they get touched and I feel pain in that spot. I think you need to tell Fudge and Vern that bedtime means NO potty time until morning. When do you sleep ? Good grief, you are probably all bruised from running into things in a sleepy, tired stupor ! Jane was right when said you don't want a bruised body for the cruise and wearing that bikini !

I'm glad you weren't badly hurt when you fell on the slippery steps. Who knows how long it would have been before John found you. Probably it would have been when Vern dragged you back in to get John to undo the leash !

Loved the blog as usual ! Stay safe :)

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Another fun blog, Laurie.  I HATE those mystery bruises....it drives me crazy trying to figure out where they came from.  You tell F & V they have to be very careful of their Mom now because she'll be wanting to show off her perfect bikini body on the cruise...."bruise free".

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Charlotte, Other than a few bruises, I am fine. I guess I do what I have to when it comes to Fudge and Vern :) Thank you!

Bonnie, I guess I should have said my mustache is not that thick YET :) LOL I forgot about all the welts and bruises from Vern pushing off me in the water and trying to get up on the paddleboard. I will give Vern your message :) Thank you!

Joanna, Thank you! I keep telling Vern the same thing :) We have already determined Fudge is the smartest one in our family :)

F, Yes, thank goodness Vern is not a big party dog :) Well, I had to look up Jack Robinson. I have never heard that saying before ever :) I know once Calla and Luca turned those puppy dog eyes on you, they would get their duck back. LOL

Karen, Thank you! Maybe a talk from Aunt Karen would help :)

DJ, I might have been one letter off on the mother ducker :) That little stinker Chance...LOL!

Leslie, You have bigger problems than me. Didn't Halas try to smother you? LOL Hope your stitches are out by now and hope Halas does not have to wear the cone of shame :) Good luck!

Camilla, If only...wouldn't that be something :) Thank you!

[Charlotte and Bo]

The problem with taking a fall like that is that sometimes those aches and pains don't show up for a day or two.  I hope you don't have to deal with any of that. 

As usual you gave me a good chuckle.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Laurie, I almost sent you a private message asking when you were going to write a blog for us to get a good laugh. Thank goodness you provided this bit of humor today! 

I'm sorry to tell you but a mustache is coming in your future. Do not throw away the photo of Don King. There are so many things no one tells us about old age. Mustaches are just the beginning. It sucks! 

You have all my sympathy for the bruises. Since we started swimming with the doodles here, we are all covered in blue, green and yellow marks on our bodies from the dogs pushing off with their claw-paws. I had welts that  turned into huge purple stripes on my legs. Thank you doodle! 

Vern, Stop waking your mother at night. Go potty before bed and then go to sleep, buddy. You know we love you to bits but this middle of the night stuff has got to stop!!!

[Joanna, Zoe & Bender]

Oh and i loveeeeee the picture of them swimming with their duck