Are the Groundhogs Trying to Train My Dogs?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I finally figured it out the other day.  I need an attitude adjustment when it comes to groundhogs.  Normally, I curse the day they were ever born and dream of bringing a rubber mallet along with me to the park to play “Whack-a-Mole,” whenever I see one of them pop their little heads out of their hole, but today I realized I think they are trying to help me with my dog training.  Why else would they insist on darting around in front of my dogs or stick their heads out of their habitats precisely when we are walking by on our walk?  I can see them now playing a game of cards down in their hatch and all of a sudden their lookout yelling, “Here come the Doodles! Places everyone!”  I am sure their bridge mix is pushed aside as they all run to find the optimum location for training my dogs and I can just hear the head groundhog, Captain Stubing, yelling into the underground intercom system….”Gopher, cover hole one….Isaac, cover hole two….Julie, Get ready to run under the shrubbery near the bathrooms…Vicki and Ace, when I say three chase each other across the street…Doc, get ready,  just in case one of those Doodles gets lucky. The triage tags are next to the bed.  It is times like this I wish we could all have a job like cousin Phil.” (Hey, what can I say, I loved The Love Boat)

Yep, I have been going about this all wrong and I should be thanking those groundhogs for helping my dogs learn the “leave it” command.  The groundhogs and the geese used to work in conjunction with each other, but I think they have had a parting of the ways recently because I don’t see the geese much any more. I hope it was an amicable split and not like one of those blowups you see on The Real Housewives of New Jersey with one inebriated goose screaming at some female groundhog, “I just saw your husband down at the pond with a buck tooth beaver.”  I have seen that show enough times to know that no groundhog is going to take that comment lying down and is probably going to take a swig of her Wild Turkey and end up telling that goose that her mother is a stupid duck.  I am only guessing this is what went down, but I don’t have any proof other than the geese are no longer participating in the dog training.

Anyway, today Fudge went to the groomer and Vern and I used our alone time to go to the park and sure enough, we hadn’t even parked the car and out popped the first groundhog for a little look see. He must have quickly alerted the others that the chocolate Doodle was missing or else it was a groundhog holiday, because that was the only one we saw on our walk.  I think even the groundhogs know it is better to do the training when both dogs are available and without Fudge there to stir the pot it is really just half the fun and not worth all the effort.  I am not saying Vern is not a hunter, because he is, but Fudge gives off some sort of vibe that just gets Vern going and without her around, the air is not as electrically charged and Vern’s brain cells are firing normally.  When she is there, he is trained by her to do most of the grunt work which consists of using his brute strength to try and get to the holes and once there, sticking his enormous head into the hole for a better look. 

I don't see nuthin'

I told you it was clear!

I think Fudge knows it is better for her health to have the big guy plug up the hole in case an army of groundhogs is waiting on the other side to give anyone dumb enough to venture into the hole a couple of groundhog kisses. Seriously, Vern sticks his head so far into some of those holes; I have visions of the groundhogs using his snout as a Pin the Teeth on the Doodle’s Nose or Ring Toss game while we are on the backside of him trying to pry him loose.  For some reason, Winnie the Pooh and a honey tree come to mind.

The thing is they are multiplying faster than I can say, “Watch out! There is another ankle destroying groundhog hole,” and so I have no choice but to try and coexist with these concupiscent creatures, which is a just a fancy way of saying the whole lot of them are hot to trot.  Usually I think baby animals are adorable, but I guess I am prejudiced against these guys because I know they are going to grow up to torment my dogs and me. We have all heard about those promiscuous rabbits, but I am here to tell you those rabbits have nothing on these groundhogs. Every time I turn around there are more of them and it is obvious those little mother/daughter groundhog talks are working out about as well as mama cow’s lecture to her daughter about how no one is going to buy the cow, if you are giving the milk away for free. 

In both cases, I can just hear the daughters telling their boyfriends, in the backseat of some parked car, “Today mom said something to me about milk cows that made no sense to me.  Oh well…where were we?” It is only a matter of time before Gracie Gopher comes home and tells her parents that she is knocked up and the ultrasound showed six little ones and I have to worry about more holes, more trainers, and even less relaxing walks.

 

In the beginning, I did say I was working on adopting a new attitude regarding groundhogs, but I don’t think I am going to be able to do it successfully.  In fact, the more I think about it, I think a rubber mallet and my idea about Whack-a Mole might be a better way to go.  (wink, wink)

P.S. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lynda, I just want all these critters to move out of state :) We have found the chipmunks to be as destructive as groundhogs, but I know I don't have it in me to ever hurt one. I would just try and convince it that my neighbor's yard is better. LOL P.S. Don't tell my neighbor :)

[Lynda Kamrath]

Egads!  I wrote a nice long response to your blog and my computer shut off and I lost it.  Okay, where was I?  Moles!  We have been through a lot with gophers and my husband is a great gopher trapper.  The dogs love to help with that little project.  Even though our garden is "gopher lined" they crawl up over the edge at night to get into the garden and eat the roots of our tomatoes.  Sometimes you can see a plant getting pulled down into the ground.  But now we have moles!  Did you know those little critters are not vegetarian?  I couldn't believe it, but they are getting into my compost and eating the red worms.  I was wondering why my compost would be full of worms and then they were gone.  Now Charlie is learning how to trap moles. No, we don't trap them and move them to another area. We kill them - puncture them right through their midsection.  I am definitely not a lover of gophers or moles (or groundhogs, ground squirrels, etc.).

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, LOL about earning money the honest way :) I do try, don't I?? Thank you!!

DJ, Hey, my word is bigger than your word :) LOL

Cheryl, OMD....your grandmother sounds like a sweetie, except for the whole scalding hot water part...LOL! I think she was using the same trick on you that John uses on my nephew, when he times him running around the house. That kid will run all day to beat his latest time :) LOL

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

LOL Laurie!  My grandmother --a sweet woman --used to pour scalding hot water mixed with something awful down the groundhog holes in the spring before they came out of hibernation.  Funny, she didn't explain the hibernation part to me. She assured me she wasn't trying to kill them, just make them run out the other hole some distance away.  She  gave me a bat and stationed me at the other hole and told me that when the little critter ran out, I was to knock it on the head. I told her I didn't want to kill anything. She told me, no no, I wasn't supposed to kill anything -- just knock the groundhog out and we'd take it to the woods. I waited at countless holes.  Needless to say, nothing ever came out.  She would have loved your blog! 

[DJ & Chance]

LOL, I remember the grief I got for using the word fecund to characterize Laurie's rooster.

[Carol and Banjo]

ROTFL.....those butts in the air and heads in the holes!    F&V are just too darned funny!    You need to start your book Laurie.....seriously,  you could be making money the  honest way!   ; -)   (re: Trophy reimbursement costs)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, I am honored that you want to follow my blogs :) I have been waiting for you to recognize my superior vocabulary skills, but I see you are denying me that pleasure of hearing you comment about it. Oh well....I might have to resort to re-posting that bikini picture....LOL!! I don't want rabbits or groundhogs in my yard. You would think those rabbits would have gotten the memo by now about Calla and Luca. Maybe they can't read :)

Karen, Thank you for making a point to follow my blogs. That means a lot to me :)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

F, you can choose to be notified when any particular person posts a blog...or anything else for that matter. I "follow" Laurie's blogs and get notified every time she posts one. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Oh no, I just read your comment about me reading your word, how droll.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I know if I comment on your use of big, obscure words you will say you knew I would so I won't : ) But I see that word has already drawn some attention. I have conducted research here in NJ. I can tell you from my research that groundhogs are far less concupiscent than rabbits. Calla and Luca have effectively eliminated the groundhog problem. I haven't seen one in my yard this year. But the rabbits keep offering their young, and sometimes their old, up for grabs. And the doodles have grabbed at least 4, maybe more since I've lost count, since spring. I will be happy to lend them to you for a small fee. And now I have another grudge against blogs. I almost missed this one again since I rarely spend ime on the front page anymore. I don't know of any way to get notified of new blogs, particularly yours. Is there one? I would hate to miss any : )