Are the Groundhogs Trying to Train My Dogs?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I finally figured it out the other day.  I need an attitude adjustment when it comes to groundhogs.  Normally, I curse the day they were ever born and dream of bringing a rubber mallet along with me to the park to play “Whack-a-Mole,” whenever I see one of them pop their little heads out of their hole, but today I realized I think they are trying to help me with my dog training.  Why else would they insist on darting around in front of my dogs or stick their heads out of their habitats precisely when we are walking by on our walk?  I can see them now playing a game of cards down in their hatch and all of a sudden their lookout yelling, “Here come the Doodles! Places everyone!”  I am sure their bridge mix is pushed aside as they all run to find the optimum location for training my dogs and I can just hear the head groundhog, Captain Stubing, yelling into the underground intercom system….”Gopher, cover hole one….Isaac, cover hole two….Julie, Get ready to run under the shrubbery near the bathrooms…Vicki and Ace, when I say three chase each other across the street…Doc, get ready,  just in case one of those Doodles gets lucky. The triage tags are next to the bed.  It is times like this I wish we could all have a job like cousin Phil.” (Hey, what can I say, I loved The Love Boat)

Yep, I have been going about this all wrong and I should be thanking those groundhogs for helping my dogs learn the “leave it” command.  The groundhogs and the geese used to work in conjunction with each other, but I think they have had a parting of the ways recently because I don’t see the geese much any more. I hope it was an amicable split and not like one of those blowups you see on The Real Housewives of New Jersey with one inebriated goose screaming at some female groundhog, “I just saw your husband down at the pond with a buck tooth beaver.”  I have seen that show enough times to know that no groundhog is going to take that comment lying down and is probably going to take a swig of her Wild Turkey and end up telling that goose that her mother is a stupid duck.  I am only guessing this is what went down, but I don’t have any proof other than the geese are no longer participating in the dog training.

Anyway, today Fudge went to the groomer and Vern and I used our alone time to go to the park and sure enough, we hadn’t even parked the car and out popped the first groundhog for a little look see. He must have quickly alerted the others that the chocolate Doodle was missing or else it was a groundhog holiday, because that was the only one we saw on our walk.  I think even the groundhogs know it is better to do the training when both dogs are available and without Fudge there to stir the pot it is really just half the fun and not worth all the effort.  I am not saying Vern is not a hunter, because he is, but Fudge gives off some sort of vibe that just gets Vern going and without her around, the air is not as electrically charged and Vern’s brain cells are firing normally.  When she is there, he is trained by her to do most of the grunt work which consists of using his brute strength to try and get to the holes and once there, sticking his enormous head into the hole for a better look. 

I don't see nuthin'

I told you it was clear!

I think Fudge knows it is better for her health to have the big guy plug up the hole in case an army of groundhogs is waiting on the other side to give anyone dumb enough to venture into the hole a couple of groundhog kisses. Seriously, Vern sticks his head so far into some of those holes; I have visions of the groundhogs using his snout as a Pin the Teeth on the Doodle’s Nose or Ring Toss game while we are on the backside of him trying to pry him loose.  For some reason, Winnie the Pooh and a honey tree come to mind.

The thing is they are multiplying faster than I can say, “Watch out! There is another ankle destroying groundhog hole,” and so I have no choice but to try and coexist with these concupiscent creatures, which is a just a fancy way of saying the whole lot of them are hot to trot.  Usually I think baby animals are adorable, but I guess I am prejudiced against these guys because I know they are going to grow up to torment my dogs and me. We have all heard about those promiscuous rabbits, but I am here to tell you those rabbits have nothing on these groundhogs. Every time I turn around there are more of them and it is obvious those little mother/daughter groundhog talks are working out about as well as mama cow’s lecture to her daughter about how no one is going to buy the cow, if you are giving the milk away for free. 

In both cases, I can just hear the daughters telling their boyfriends, in the backseat of some parked car, “Today mom said something to me about milk cows that made no sense to me.  Oh well…where were we?” It is only a matter of time before Gracie Gopher comes home and tells her parents that she is knocked up and the ultrasound showed six little ones and I have to worry about more holes, more trainers, and even less relaxing walks.

 

In the beginning, I did say I was working on adopting a new attitude regarding groundhogs, but I don’t think I am going to be able to do it successfully.  In fact, the more I think about it, I think a rubber mallet and my idea about Whack-a Mole might be a better way to go.  (wink, wink)

P.S. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I too was impressed by the use of the word "concupiscent, lol! And grateful that the hole in my yard into which JD has been sticking his big head five times a day contains only bunnies and not groundhogs. Stewpid is bad enough, the last thing I want to see out there is Capt. Stubing and his crew! 

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

It's a rainy, yucky day here today, and I was feeling kind of "blah" (is that even a word?)....but as always your blog has brought the "sunshine".  Those pics of F & V with their heads stuck down the holes is hysterical.  That's one problem we don't seem to have.  I've yet to see a groundhog or mole or any "underground creature" on our walks.  Tons of squirrels and geese...my boys are totally bored with them now.  They kind of have a "can't hear you...can't see you" look as the squirrels run past them or throw their nuts from overhead trees.  They would rather save their "corrections" for some better "sport" like yappy little neighborhood dogs.  Anyway, I'm so happy for you that the local critters are around to help you with your training!

[DJ & Chance]

Concupiscent creatures?!?!? ROFL and great blog.