Bed of Thorns!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I think the Lord is trying to kill me.  I know I sound just like my mom when I say that, but hear me out.  My mom has the innate ability to make almost any situation about her.  We could have a nuclear disaster and all she would say is, “why does stuff like this always happen on my hair day?” You could tell her you fell and broke every bone in your body and she would counter with, “How do you think I feel? I’m ninety and I can’t get my Netflix to work.”  Of course, most of our worst traits are unrecognizable to ourselves, so believe me when I say it, and also believe that I know the Lord is trying to kill me.  Why else would he continue to send rain and cold temperatures our way when he knows darn well Vern only wants to sleep with us when the temperatures drop?

 

I have spent most of the past two weeks putting our summer stuff out and taking it back in, so forgive me if I feel this is personal.  I actually love cold weather, but there is a time and place for it and May is not the time.  I love when the dogs sleep elsewhere in the house at night because it means I might be able to actually sleep in my bed rather than spending the night pretending I am auditioning for Cirque du Soleil.   You would think a king size bed would be big enough for two humans and two dogs, but, and I hate to name names, it is not when one of those dogs is Fudge. 

 

Fudge is my heart dog, but if I had to go back and pick a food name for her, I think her new name might be Drake’s Devil Dog and I would call her DeeDee for short.

The dog is a genius, but doesn’t always use her powers for good. My sister-in-law once got me a magnet about a woman who had net yet decided how to use her powers and I now think she was referring to Fudge when she gave it to me.

One of her favorite past times is to get something over on Vern, which is about the same thing as shooting fish in a barrel.  Vern spends a large part of his day trying to drink dirty water out of various containers on our patio and looking completely surprised when I tell him to stop.   This can mean that Fudge gets quickly bored with their  “battle of the wits/wit” and I think, starts to eye me as the next one up on the intelligence chain.  In other words, she likes to test me to see if I can pass her tests.  My friend, Rose, has a son who once said he loved to talk to John because they were on the same intellectual level and when I said, “What about me?” all Rose said was that he hadn’t mentioned me.  I am pretty sure this is how Fudge feels about me, too.

 

Just the other day, she came up to me limping with her back leg extended high in the air.  She timed it perfectly to the exact moment Lowes pulled up to our house with a delivery.  Usually when this happens, I see the extended leg as my cue to check between her pads and make sure there isn’t a foreign object there and to make over her and her injury. I have to say there is usually a rock or small something in between her pads, which I remove and always end my treatment with a dose of hugs and kisses.  This time I couldn’t find anything, but it kept happening, so I kept checking, only to come up empty handed.  It wasn’t easy trying to cope with a delivery while simultaneously playing doctor with Fudge. I was so worried that something was seriously wrong with Fudge’s back leg that I started imaging a vet visit and x-rays and casts and cones….and then out of the corner of my eye I saw her leap at Vern and play bow and I knew I’d been had.  I am not out and out saying she could out act Lassie or Rin Tin Tin in some big Hollywood movie, but I think she could give them a run for their money.  Even Vern seemed to know it was a ruse because he kept trying to roughhouse with her and I kept telling him to go easy on her because her leg hurt.  So, either Fudge told Vern ahead of time to watch me jump through hoops or Vern has overtaken me in the smarts department.  Both scenarios scare the heck out of me and I can only hope John doesn’t come home from work one day to find Vern and me enjoying a “dirty water from a plant container” cocktail and me telling him, “Vern said it tasted good!”

 

The thing is I know we are supposed to let our dogs decide their pack order, but Vern lacks the killer instinct famous in our family and it kills me to watch him lose time and time again. Everything in life for me is a competition and I just don’t get those people who stop their car when they should be driving to let someone out in front of them.  Don't they know we are in a race to get where we are going? When the kids and I used to go to Church Bingo, we had to arrive early so I could find my cards and no one was going to cut in front of me for fear if they did they would get the cards meant for me and win.  Trust me when I say Helen Keller and her teacher could have asked me if I minded if they cut in front of me and I would have asked teacher how to sign NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. 

 

Every night, in order for all of us to rest, the sleeping positions for each of us are crucial.  Unfortunately, the prime spot for sleeping seems to be at the bottom of the bed nearest John’s legs.  It is important that Vern get that spot if any of us are going to sleep.  Fudge knows this and night after night she beats him out of that spot, which means Vern has to contort his body to a less spacious spot or a spot in John’s or my space.  This is where the trouble starts at bedtime.  I get in bed first and try to get Vern in next, but instead of immediately going to his spot and lying down, he always has to come up to where I am and greet me and in that split second, Fudge jumps up and gets the good spot.  He greets me as if he hasn’t seen me in the longest time and doesn’t seem to understand my desperate pleas of, “VERN, STOP IT!  GET YOUR SPOT!  GET YOUR SPOT!  I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU ALL DAY!  I DON’T NEED TO SAY HI AGAIN!  GET YOUR SPOT! CRAP, YOU JUST LOST YOUR SPOT!”  So, while Fudge is stretching and preening from the coveted spot, Vern seems a little dumbfounded that it happened again.

 

I realize that the fairest thing would be for them to take turns because Fudge has a right to get the favorite spot some nights too, but fair does not make for a good nights sleep!  We have two guest bedrooms, lots of comfortable furniture, and numerous dog beds on the first floor, and they both want the spot on the bed by John’s legs. Maybe the solution is to move John and his legs to one of the dog beds, but I am not sure how to spin that to John to make it seem reasonable.  Move Fudge, you say…well, you might be surprised how one 50 pound dog can turn herself into a block of concrete to stay put.  So, we suffer, and not in silence, as morning after morning we wake up to find we are both clinging to the edge of our side of the bed tugging hard to get one part of a sheet or blanket out from under the dogs.  Sometime during the night the dogs seemed to have come to some kind of agreement to work together to take over the majority of the bed and are usually stretched back to back in the middle of the bed.  Of course, that leaves their legs facing our bodies and pushing us further away from each other.  If we had these dogs when we were younger, I don’t think there would have been a Megan or Hayley.  Just the other day when we woke up, I looked over at John, across the 160 pounds of dog between us, and said, “ Does this seem normal to you?”  All he said in response was, “it’s the life we chose.”  

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lori, I still think you got the better end of the deal. LOL Vern likes to get us up in the middle of the night, too. The good thing is Vern does not jump on our liver. Yikes :) I bet he is so happy at your house, he just wants to get up and get the day started. 

DJ, Thank you! John is a wise man....look who he married :) I cannot believe that little Chance causes any trouble. LOL

Nancy, Thank you! That is it exactly...my dogs spread out at my end of the bed, too. When you are 5'12" it gets pretty uncomfortable, but you are right, I can choose to stick my legs off the bed. It is so nice of them to give us that choice :)

Leslie, I am thinking you might end up on the floor :) Halas can be pretty intimidating. LOL

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

I wonder if the plant water would make a good dirty martini?  Fudge may be on to something.  

As for the bed woes, we have now joined that club.  Frankie is AWFUL, hogging all the foot space, jumping on top of us (Quincy never lands on any of our body parts-I think Frankie aims for my liver.)  And he just keeps growing...I think the couple on the beach that gave us Frankie knew all along that they were getting the better end of that bargain!  But he is cute, just not at 4:50 AM when he insists that we all get up.  I think even Quincy has had it with that! 

Love your blogs, Laurie and your DH is right!~ 

[DJ & Chance]

The last line attributed to John is classic. So true.  We chose to live with our furry friends and that has its upsides and downsides.

I laughed out loud at the "pretending I am auditioning for Cirque du Soleil" line.  Even with one dog and one person, I often feel like at pretzel in the morning.

Great blog, Laurie.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Love this blog.  We only let Ned sleep on the bed with us now.  Of course, Clancy doesn't want to sleep there, but I pretend that I am the one in charge of this decision! :-}  Lucky us you say?  Well not really.  Ned sleeps at my feet and stretches his little mini-ness to full length, so I can either sleep in the fetal position or with my legs off the bed - my choice.

[Leslie and Halas]

Halas can take up a surprising amount of space for a 30 lb dood. I often wake up in the morning in the very edge of the bed, with him pressed up against me, blocking me from the rest of the bed. I can't imagine where I'd end up if I had to share with 2 big doods.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, Stick to your guns :) LOL 

Cheryl, We may have to add another mattress soon :) LOL

Becka, Good to  know you understand about the concrete Doodle. Maybe it is colder in Minnesota or Sadie just likes to torment you :) 

Karen, Take it from me and thank Jackdoodle :) He is doing you a favor. LOL

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Sometimes I feel really bad that my Doods aren't allowed to sleep in our bed (since the time Murph tried to bite Dave when he was trying to get into bed), but reading this makes me feel a whole lot better.  I had been telling myself that Murph is now "cured" and so what could it hurt to let them sleep with us...thank you for this view of what that would be like.  The boys will stay in their beds in our room and I will get down to snuggle on the floor with them when I need a "Doodle fix".

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

LOL!  The only solution I see is wall to wall mattresses in the master bedroom.  You're welcome :)

[Becka]

I feel your pain, Laurie--last night Sadie decided she had to sleep completely stretched out next to me, taking up a good two-thirds of the bed. Like Fudge, she undergoes a nighttime transformation into concrete, so moving her is hardly an option. Note that she only does this when we are in Minnesota for the summer where our bed is smaller--at home where I have the bigger bed and plenty of room for her she always pulls a Jackdoodle and jumps out as soon as I put on my pajamas!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie! 

I know I've said this before, but the grass is always greener. I have a king sized bed all to myself and 75 lbs of dog who refuses to sleep on it if I'm there too. When I get into bed, he gets out, even though I beg him to stay. Talk about an ego crusher!