Bed of Thorns!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

I think the Lord is trying to kill me.  I know I sound just like my mom when I say that, but hear me out.  My mom has the innate ability to make almost any situation about her.  We could have a nuclear disaster and all she would say is, “why does stuff like this always happen on my hair day?” You could tell her you fell and broke every bone in your body and she would counter with, “How do you think I feel? I’m ninety and I can’t get my Netflix to work.”  Of course, most of our worst traits are unrecognizable to ourselves, so believe me when I say it, and also believe that I know the Lord is trying to kill me.  Why else would he continue to send rain and cold temperatures our way when he knows darn well Vern only wants to sleep with us when the temperatures drop?

 

I have spent most of the past two weeks putting our summer stuff out and taking it back in, so forgive me if I feel this is personal.  I actually love cold weather, but there is a time and place for it and May is not the time.  I love when the dogs sleep elsewhere in the house at night because it means I might be able to actually sleep in my bed rather than spending the night pretending I am auditioning for Cirque du Soleil.   You would think a king size bed would be big enough for two humans and two dogs, but, and I hate to name names, it is not when one of those dogs is Fudge. 

 

Fudge is my heart dog, but if I had to go back and pick a food name for her, I think her new name might be Drake’s Devil Dog and I would call her DeeDee for short.

The dog is a genius, but doesn’t always use her powers for good. My sister-in-law once got me a magnet about a woman who had net yet decided how to use her powers and I now think she was referring to Fudge when she gave it to me.

One of her favorite past times is to get something over on Vern, which is about the same thing as shooting fish in a barrel.  Vern spends a large part of his day trying to drink dirty water out of various containers on our patio and looking completely surprised when I tell him to stop.   This can mean that Fudge gets quickly bored with their  “battle of the wits/wit” and I think, starts to eye me as the next one up on the intelligence chain.  In other words, she likes to test me to see if I can pass her tests.  My friend, Rose, has a son who once said he loved to talk to John because they were on the same intellectual level and when I said, “What about me?” all Rose said was that he hadn’t mentioned me.  I am pretty sure this is how Fudge feels about me, too.

 

Just the other day, she came up to me limping with her back leg extended high in the air.  She timed it perfectly to the exact moment Lowes pulled up to our house with a delivery.  Usually when this happens, I see the extended leg as my cue to check between her pads and make sure there isn’t a foreign object there and to make over her and her injury. I have to say there is usually a rock or small something in between her pads, which I remove and always end my treatment with a dose of hugs and kisses.  This time I couldn’t find anything, but it kept happening, so I kept checking, only to come up empty handed.  It wasn’t easy trying to cope with a delivery while simultaneously playing doctor with Fudge. I was so worried that something was seriously wrong with Fudge’s back leg that I started imaging a vet visit and x-rays and casts and cones….and then out of the corner of my eye I saw her leap at Vern and play bow and I knew I’d been had.  I am not out and out saying she could out act Lassie or Rin Tin Tin in some big Hollywood movie, but I think she could give them a run for their money.  Even Vern seemed to know it was a ruse because he kept trying to roughhouse with her and I kept telling him to go easy on her because her leg hurt.  So, either Fudge told Vern ahead of time to watch me jump through hoops or Vern has overtaken me in the smarts department.  Both scenarios scare the heck out of me and I can only hope John doesn’t come home from work one day to find Vern and me enjoying a “dirty water from a plant container” cocktail and me telling him, “Vern said it tasted good!”

 

The thing is I know we are supposed to let our dogs decide their pack order, but Vern lacks the killer instinct famous in our family and it kills me to watch him lose time and time again. Everything in life for me is a competition and I just don’t get those people who stop their car when they should be driving to let someone out in front of them.  Don't they know we are in a race to get where we are going? When the kids and I used to go to Church Bingo, we had to arrive early so I could find my cards and no one was going to cut in front of me for fear if they did they would get the cards meant for me and win.  Trust me when I say Helen Keller and her teacher could have asked me if I minded if they cut in front of me and I would have asked teacher how to sign NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. 

 

Every night, in order for all of us to rest, the sleeping positions for each of us are crucial.  Unfortunately, the prime spot for sleeping seems to be at the bottom of the bed nearest John’s legs.  It is important that Vern get that spot if any of us are going to sleep.  Fudge knows this and night after night she beats him out of that spot, which means Vern has to contort his body to a less spacious spot or a spot in John’s or my space.  This is where the trouble starts at bedtime.  I get in bed first and try to get Vern in next, but instead of immediately going to his spot and lying down, he always has to come up to where I am and greet me and in that split second, Fudge jumps up and gets the good spot.  He greets me as if he hasn’t seen me in the longest time and doesn’t seem to understand my desperate pleas of, “VERN, STOP IT!  GET YOUR SPOT!  GET YOUR SPOT!  I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU ALL DAY!  I DON’T NEED TO SAY HI AGAIN!  GET YOUR SPOT! CRAP, YOU JUST LOST YOUR SPOT!”  So, while Fudge is stretching and preening from the coveted spot, Vern seems a little dumbfounded that it happened again.

 

I realize that the fairest thing would be for them to take turns because Fudge has a right to get the favorite spot some nights too, but fair does not make for a good nights sleep!  We have two guest bedrooms, lots of comfortable furniture, and numerous dog beds on the first floor, and they both want the spot on the bed by John’s legs. Maybe the solution is to move John and his legs to one of the dog beds, but I am not sure how to spin that to John to make it seem reasonable.  Move Fudge, you say…well, you might be surprised how one 50 pound dog can turn herself into a block of concrete to stay put.  So, we suffer, and not in silence, as morning after morning we wake up to find we are both clinging to the edge of our side of the bed tugging hard to get one part of a sheet or blanket out from under the dogs.  Sometime during the night the dogs seemed to have come to some kind of agreement to work together to take over the majority of the bed and are usually stretched back to back in the middle of the bed.  Of course, that leaves their legs facing our bodies and pushing us further away from each other.  If we had these dogs when we were younger, I don’t think there would have been a Megan or Hayley.  Just the other day when we woke up, I looked over at John, across the 160 pounds of dog between us, and said, “ Does this seem normal to you?”  All he said in response was, “it’s the life we chose.”  

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, You have to know by now that my dogs know very few commands :) I am impressed with Calla and Luca!!

Amy, Sometimes, 15 pounds of dog sounds wonderful :) LOL

[Amy and Annabelle]

I only have one little 15lb dog, I can't imagine 160lbs of dog in my bed, I need my sleep. Annabelle is always stealing my spot on the couch if I get up for something. She knows the move it or lose it command. I'm not sure if she fully understands it's meaning, but she does move...reluctantly, but moves none the less. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Another classic in your series. Too bad you never taught the doodles the Move Over command. Mine are pretty good with it and I always thank them :-)