Dear Groomer, Fudge and Vern are Waiting Patiently! They Need You!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week, I called our regular groomer to get Fudge and Vern in for an appointment.  As soon as I asked her if she had something available very, very soon, she said, “You must not have remembered. I have surgery tomorrow.” WHAT??  Well, of course I didn’t remember. I spend about 2 hours a day looking for my car keys, purse, reading glasses, or TV remote, and I am lucky if I get where I need to be going before dinner.  I have left car keys on the roof of the van and once drove to Gettysburg and back with two filled, bright pink poop bags up there as well. The only way I probably ever found them was because I was looking for my keys. I think it speaks to my dog’s firm poops that they stayed up there for the whole ride. So, she was right. I did not remember about the surgery and really wished I had written it down somewhere and planned ahead, because now we are getting desperate.

 

Vern’s new favorite spot to lie in is our evergreen ground cover we have out front.  When Fudge and he are playing hard and he has something she wants, he has figured out she will not chase him into the sticker bush. Who would, really? We think he thinks it is base and he is safe when he gets there.

That explanation makes us feel better, because the alternative explanation would involve Vern having no nerve endings and no common sense. In case you think he is just protecting himself from Fudge, he also goes in there to happily chew his bones, hide his toys and bones, and just to rest his head from time to time. 

Some of the funniest expressions Vern makes happen when Fudge follows right behind him and scoops up the hidden treasure if he miscalculates and doesn’t drop it far enough into the bushes.  You can almost hear him thinking, “What just happened?”

 

Those bushes are going to be removed next spring anyways, mainly because we have always hated them, but also because Vern has managed to make them look far worse than they did with all the attention he has been giving them. Since we have gotten Vern we have discovered he has a very unique style when it comes to interior design, landscaping, and housekeeping, and his tastes are not for everyone. 

Next year, when we rip those bushes out, he is going to have to settle for the driveway or an outdoor bed for his favorite resting spot, like a normal dog. 

 

Fudge, on the other hand, has decided it is her job to rid our yard of squirrels and chipmunks, and if that means she has to stick her nose and paws into every chipmunk hole in our yard, then cleanliness be damned.  She believes that a job done well stays well done forever, despite the fact that we have told her, on more than one occasion, that she is going to dig herself into an even bigger hole, if she does not stop. Sometimes, she gets really smart and encourages her brawny assistant to do most of the manual labor and thereby share in some of the blame, although her muddy paws and nose usually tip us off that Vern was not acting alone.

 All of the digging, rolling, and fun times in the evergreen bush have left my dogs looking like a couple of ragamuffins and praying our groomer recovers quickly.   I am sure most of you want to know why I can’t just learn to do all the grooming on my own and my response to you would be to ask my husband and my youngest daughter.  My youngest daughter is still embarrassed to show her third grade picture to anyone because it looks like her bangs were cut by Edward Scissorhands. I can still remember when she brought the pack of pictures home and I reached in the envelope and gasped. When I asked her who had cut her bangs, she informed me that I had, and I remember thinking I must have been playing a game of Blind Man’s Bluff with pinking shears.  After that, she wouldn’t let me come near her hair with scissors. Both girls had long hair for a while and would ask me some mornings to fix their hair in a side French braid or some other hairstyle that they must have suspected I could not do, and once I said, “Who do I look like? Jose Eber?” They had no clue who I was talking about, but they got my point and realized mommy was only good for regular pony tails and handing them the brush.

 

My husband let me cut his hair ONCE.  It happened in those just married years, when he was still in the “this had better lead to something good” phase of our marriage. Frankly, that is the only reason I can come up with that he let me near him with scissors.  I felt confident I could cut his hair; despite the fact that the only real experience I had was watching qualified beauticians cut my hair over the years.  I mean, how hard could it be to section off hair and start cutting?  About two minutes into the process, I realized I had no clue what I was doing, but not wanting to be a quitter, I forged ahead until my husband’s beautiful head of hair began to look like I had used a soup bowl to shape it into the style he was now sporting.  Maybe I was hoping he would not notice the glaring unevenness of his new hairdo, but after I saw his expression when he looked in the mirror and heard the less than favorable reviews interspersed with some very bad words, it was clear my hair cutting days were over. 

 

So, I think you can understand why I am hesitant to pick up any grooming tools and try and work my magic on Fudge and Vern. My whole family feels they deserve better.  I am asking for a Les Pooch Brush, grooming scissors (Santa has already said NO)  and a dog dryer for Christmas, but that doesn’t mean they are going to get a lot of use.  After all, I have a curling iron, hair straightener, and lots of hair products that I have purchased, tried once, and never bothered with again.  Meanwhile, I am taking the dogs to the self-service dog wash on Saturday and they have an appointment with the groomer next week IF she feels better. I am pretty sure when she sees my dogs, she is going to use that same voice on me that my teacher used when she thought I hadn’t done my homework.  I hope she doesn’t try and blame the mats and dirt on me, because I think it is clear she let us down having this surgery. It is just like the time my uncle bailed on us at the last minute and said he couldn’t watch Fudge and Vern, while we went on vacation, because he needed to have heart bypass surgery.  I just don’t understand how people can be so self-centered.

 

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

LOL! Okay, you are bringing up some memories of some haircut horrors that I endured as a child too! EEK!!  Well, if the groomer isn't back soon maybe you can work the "dirty dood" theme into Howloween somehow! :) Yeah, Vern can be that dog from Harry Potter! You know? The black one!! LOL!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Laurie, great time now to just throw some grass seed around. No need to water, temperature still OK, annual weeds dying. I've done some, more to do but I love seeing the little new grass poking through the dirts &/or weeds.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, Can we get to your house before Thursday, because that is when our appointment finally is and these dogs stink...LOL.I need to start booking mine well in advance and with more frequency.

Carol, Banjo and Vern would get along great, except Banjo might get to Vern's toys and bones faster than Fudge does..LOL! Fudge does not like those bushes.

Sandy & Allyson, Thanks!!

Karen, My dogs both prefer the ivy to do their business. We should just cement our entire yard. It does not look good at all. I am glad to see I am not the only one who hates bathing their dog.

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

This is SERIOUS!  I do NO grooming on my babies AT ALL.  The Les Pooch brush is getting dusty from laying about unused.  Our beloved groomer comes once a month and we schedule a year at a time.  Please do not get married, have my first grandchild, get sick or die on grooming day because we don't miss it - ever.  LOL  Hope your groomer is better fast!!!!  Or you could come visit us and I'm sure our mobile groomer would come right over.

[Carol and Banjo]

LOL.....we hope your groomer is back on track soon Vern and Fudge.....your Mom may not be able to wait....if you see her wandering around with scissors RUN!      Banjo loves the evergreens too.....nothing quite as nice as a low hanging bough of evergreen to tuck under to do your business!

[sandy b]

As always hilarious, and Yiikes! I remember Jose Eber ;-)

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

Love it...Vern is so funny - they places he chooses to sit are hilarious!

 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL- poor Vern, losing his evergreens! JD loves evergreens, too, but only as a toilet, not as a hiding place, and certainly not as a good spot to chew a bone! Vern, you are a very silly doodle!

I don't do hair, either, not even my own. I am one of those old ladies who has a standing weekly appointment with the hairdresser, just for a blow-dry, never mind the cutting!

JD doesn't get haircuts, ever, so you would think I could manage to groom him myself. Hahahahaha, no way! In 35 years of caring for my own dogs, I have never bathed one, and I am not about to start now with the 80 lb. immovable object. I once tried to get him into the bathtub to wash a lot of mud from his "undercarriage", and if I live to be 110, I never want to try that again.

I am going to start inquiring after my groomer's health a lot more, after reading this!  

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Bonnie, I laughed out loud at that knife and fork joke. I remember Donny Osmond asking Marie if she did her hair with an electric mixer one time. Apparently, I like bad hair jokes :) Thank you for your nice words.

F, Another laugh this morning thinking about you wrestling Calla. I had to hose Fudge off yesterday and she was actually leaping in the air. Vern is my better dog to groom, but he is just so darn big getting him in and out of our tub. It is worth the $14 to use the dog wash and their towels. Someday, I will get up to NJ and take you up on your offer. I will bring my DH and we can wrestle him to the ground and show him I can cut human hair...LOL!! It is going to take two of us to convince him. Next, we will turn our sights on poor Calla!!

Doris, I knew we had something in common....I just knew it :) I am with you about my own hair too.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Thank you for another captivating story. What a treat to come to DK to find one of your great blogs!

Your story about Vern reminds me of Brer Rabbit begging to be thrown into the briar patch to get away from Brer Fox!

My MIL used to cut her sons' hair. After doing so one of the sons went to a barber who remarked: "Who cut your hair?" He replied, "My mother." The barber then asked, "With what, a knife and fork?" This remains a favorite family story 50 years later.