Dear Lord, Is It Time For My Oldest Kid to Go Back to College?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

When our oldest daughter started college and moved away from home, it was so hard on my husband and me. This was our first little birdie to leave the nest and we were sad. The first day back to work after we got her situated, I was talking to a much older woman who told me that as much as I missed her now, it was going to be even harder to get used to having her back for the summers when she had been away so long.  I wasn’t sure I believed her, but she was older and wiser, so I filed her words away for a later date.

 

Part of the fear as a parent is that you have not prepared them well enough for living on their own. We had to laugh when she filled out her roommate card and checked that she wanted a roommate who kept her room clean and neat.  We told her that is what we checked on her baby card and things did not work out so well for us.

 

Our oldest daughter had the moving in system down to a science and I don’t know how she did it, but she spent most of moving day in her college dorm room “organizing” while her dad and I did all of the grunt work.  Over the years, she perfected these skills and we had several move out days, where it had never even crossed her mind that boxes might be useful to help pack.  One year, she actually told me to hold out my arms and she must have thought I had been lifting weights while she was away at college, because she loaded them up with her stuff and headed me towards the stairs.  I was then supposed to walk down three flights of stairs with a load of crap and limited vision.  When I told her I was afraid I might fall down the stairs and break my neck, all she said was,  “Mom, quit being so dramatic! We have a lot to do today.”

 

The summer before she left, my husband and I talked about making her up a set of note cards that listed words or phrases to make the transition easier. The cards would have things like vacuum, washing machine, dryer, iron, how to pick up towels, how to shut a drawer, how to turn off a light, written on them with corresponding diagrams and pictures on the back to help her make the connections. I swear one day she said she had to start learning to do her own laundry and asked how to do it as she was opening the dishwasher. We weren’t sure we had prepared her adequately for her new world and this added to our worries.

 

We moved when she was in college and actually lived closer to her dorm.  This presented some problems of its own, because she started to use our pantry as her grocery store, stopped over from time to time to withdraw money from the ATM (dad’s wallet), and thought our house was the Laundry one-hour drop-off location.  We tried driving her by a real grocery store and told her that was where groceries came from, but she kept saying she liked the other place better. When we told her she had to stop asking us for money, she looked at us and said, “You’re funny!”

 

Every summer, she moved back home and every summer when she left, I entered her room with a Hazmat suit on to restore order to her room. How one kid could make such a mess in such a short amount of time amazed me.  We spent the summer watching her leave to go someplace at a time when most of us were thinking about going to bed and waking us all up when she returned.  From time to time, I remembered what the woman I worked with told me, and realized she was one smart woman.  I found out that it is hard and heart wrenching to leave your first born at college, but changes can be good. I think having them come home for the summer just helps to bring that point home.

 

On Monday, my good friend’s son returned to college. He told her on Monday morning as she was heading off to work, that he needed her help that day taking his stuff back to college. I guess it slipped his mind, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and say he was trying to help her adjust to his leaving. It worked!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Allyson, It is funny how time changes things, isn't it?? My DD's old room is now my spare bedroom and it stays spotless all year.....until she visits :(

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

When we first went to college, my mom weeped for both of us. I remember driving down the driveway, returning to SMU after freshman xmas break and my mom chased me down, bawling crying, telling me to stay another hour! 

Flash forward to me coming home for 4 months after college - mom says "ummm, when are you getting an apartment???".

And flash forward to my sis moving home before moving to Dallas for 8 months - mom says "I don't know if I can handle this, I mean her closet is my SUMMER clothes closet...do I have to clean that out now???"

So funny how things change!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jennifer, They are never allowed to leave home, not even to go to college :)

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

When do Vern and Fudge graduate?????

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Leslie, Very funny. A man needs his bathroom time...LOL!

[Leslie and Halas]

For most of my undergrad schooling, I went to Bradley, which is only 30 minutes from home. I shared an apartment there for awhile, but my roommates drove me crazy, so I stayed at my parents' most of the time. For one period of time, my dad was getting up at 4:00am on Saturdays to go to work. Once in awhile, we would cross paths; he would be getting up for work at the same time I was getting home and getting ready for bed.  One day, he said, "Don't come home at 4:00." I thought he was going to tell me that I couldn't stay out that late. But then he followed it with, "I don't care if you come home at 3:00, or at 5:00, but 4:00 is when I need the bathroom to get ready for work, so don't come home then."  It had nothing to do with my well-being. It was just that I was encroaching on his getting-ready time.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cheryl, I enjoyed reading your comment. I can picture a mom crying hard and a son looking on sheepishly. LOL I remember the first week after my daughter left. It was awful, but you are right, we got through it and then when they came home it started a whole other ball of wax. I am glad I had daughters, because believe me I speak my mind and they either listen or don't...LOL! My SIL never takes offense and luckily has a good sense of humor. Thank you for the comment.

[cheryl & oliver]

When I dropped my older one at college for the first time, I thought I would just hug him, and kiss him goodbye, I had all the tales from my friends that had done this previously, and I said" oh no, not me, I have been practicing for this for a year, since he first got accepted to college.  I took him shopping for warm clothes ( we live in Fl. and he was going to a northern Florida school, that does have winter of a sort, gets to around 32 degrees some days. We bought all the things he wanted for his dorm room, etc.  We packed him up, and I was so good, we got there and got everything set up, picked up the other odds and ends, met his roomate and his roomates parents, everything was fine UNTIL the dreaded time to say goodbye...I thought I would die, how could I leave my firstborn, this sweet loving child on his own???..He doesn't know how to exist without us, I was a wreck.  I cried and cried, and he just kept telling me, it will be fine Mom, I'll call you everyday, (yeah right!), so I hugged and hugged him, until he said Mom, you are embarassing me, go home, I am not a baby..so off we went, the baby I loved and reared up to this point, left behind, and a seriously deranged mother crying all the way home in the car for 7 hrs...My DH, wouldn't dare say a word to me, lest his life would be seriously interupted by me...But I did get thru this, we all do, and by the time the second one went to college, I was a pro, hugs, kisses, and not too many tears...I knew they would be home for vacations and summers, and they both moved back home a few times after college until they got themselves established with their professions....Living with them again was not easy either, the messes, the coming and going when they pleased, etc....I was very happy when they were finally settled, and finally married and happy. they got married 2 months apart, try that for lunacy!!!...And now the older one is living with his wife and daughter about 15 min from us, and they are expecting a baby in Feb. So we do get to see him quite often, the other is living in New York with his wife, and they are happy too.  It isn't always easy when they live near you, sometimes u see things and want to say things and you can't.  You are the "boys" Mom, you have to try harder...A girls Mom can say what she wants to her daughter, a sons Mom cannot..Like my Mother and my Grandmother used to say, A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life....I love my daughter in laws, they are both great girls, but they do change your sons, lol....I guess I did that too with Ira, his Mom said someday you will have a son, and you will understand, and ya know what? she was right...they are both wonderful to Ira and me, but it certainly is different now.  So I guess when the 1st one leaves the nest, it is the beginning of another circle of our lives....Wow I can't believe I rattled on like this, lol, sry....

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol. You said that just right....the training wheels to letting them go. I enjoyed your comment. Thank you!

Deanna, I loved what you said....every word!!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Jane - In my 25 years as a special education teacher, I dealt with some hellions, but I also had some of the sweetest, most "special" kids.  Your son sounds like one of those. In those cases, I think that instead of "Special Needs" (as in the individual has unique needs), it should be "Special, Needs" (with the comma it reads "a special individual that has some needs").  These kids bring so much love into a family!!!  I'm looking forward to meeting your son on the cruise.