Dear Lord, Is It Time For My Oldest Kid to Go Back to College?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

When our oldest daughter started college and moved away from home, it was so hard on my husband and me. This was our first little birdie to leave the nest and we were sad. The first day back to work after we got her situated, I was talking to a much older woman who told me that as much as I missed her now, it was going to be even harder to get used to having her back for the summers when she had been away so long.  I wasn’t sure I believed her, but she was older and wiser, so I filed her words away for a later date.

 

Part of the fear as a parent is that you have not prepared them well enough for living on their own. We had to laugh when she filled out her roommate card and checked that she wanted a roommate who kept her room clean and neat.  We told her that is what we checked on her baby card and things did not work out so well for us.

 

Our oldest daughter had the moving in system down to a science and I don’t know how she did it, but she spent most of moving day in her college dorm room “organizing” while her dad and I did all of the grunt work.  Over the years, she perfected these skills and we had several move out days, where it had never even crossed her mind that boxes might be useful to help pack.  One year, she actually told me to hold out my arms and she must have thought I had been lifting weights while she was away at college, because she loaded them up with her stuff and headed me towards the stairs.  I was then supposed to walk down three flights of stairs with a load of crap and limited vision.  When I told her I was afraid I might fall down the stairs and break my neck, all she said was,  “Mom, quit being so dramatic! We have a lot to do today.”

 

The summer before she left, my husband and I talked about making her up a set of note cards that listed words or phrases to make the transition easier. The cards would have things like vacuum, washing machine, dryer, iron, how to pick up towels, how to shut a drawer, how to turn off a light, written on them with corresponding diagrams and pictures on the back to help her make the connections. I swear one day she said she had to start learning to do her own laundry and asked how to do it as she was opening the dishwasher. We weren’t sure we had prepared her adequately for her new world and this added to our worries.

 

We moved when she was in college and actually lived closer to her dorm.  This presented some problems of its own, because she started to use our pantry as her grocery store, stopped over from time to time to withdraw money from the ATM (dad’s wallet), and thought our house was the Laundry one-hour drop-off location.  We tried driving her by a real grocery store and told her that was where groceries came from, but she kept saying she liked the other place better. When we told her she had to stop asking us for money, she looked at us and said, “You’re funny!”

 

Every summer, she moved back home and every summer when she left, I entered her room with a Hazmat suit on to restore order to her room. How one kid could make such a mess in such a short amount of time amazed me.  We spent the summer watching her leave to go someplace at a time when most of us were thinking about going to bed and waking us all up when she returned.  From time to time, I remembered what the woman I worked with told me, and realized she was one smart woman.  I found out that it is hard and heart wrenching to leave your first born at college, but changes can be good. I think having them come home for the summer just helps to bring that point home.

 

On Monday, my good friend’s son returned to college. He told her on Monday morning as she was heading off to work, that he needed her help that day taking his stuff back to college. I guess it slipped his mind, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and say he was trying to help her adjust to his leaving. It worked!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, Wow...a baby and a college student. I bet that was an exciting time in your life. My eyes welled up a little when you said how glad you were to get your son back after camp. You don't always recognize blessings at first, do you? Our DD had a multitude of problems and they tested her for various Syndromes. She taught us what true courage really is and although, it was a scary time, it made us stronger, closer, and blessed.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

It was pretty funny how it worked out for us.  Our son was born one month before sending my oldest daughter off to college.   We were the only parents moving their child into their dorm with a baby strapped to our back.  You can imagine the looks, and all the people who asked "oh, he must have been quite a surprise".   Or even better, the ones who asked "so was he a change of life baby?".  Well he must have been because he sure changed our lives and taught us so much.  So the only time we are "empty nesters" is the two weeks that our son goes off to Special Needs Camp during the Summer....and I always count the days till he comes back.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Mimi, I never thought my DD would end up living in Oregon. I hate it, but she is happy. I guess that accounts for something....LOL!

Deanna, My two had that eye-rolling thing going through most of high school...LOL! It was the college applications and last minute mailings that almost did me in too. I remember that first summer home from college and we went through all the same stuff. I swear by the end of that summer I was checking off days on a calendar until she was back in school. Funny, how one summer makes such a difference.

[Carol and Banjo]

I remember that first year of college....my twin "baby" girls each going their separate ways - one off to UNH and the other to Dartmouth....and me nearly ready for a Rest Home.....the pain of seeing them both off was almost more than I could stand ...BUT.....the days got easier....I adjusted and the holidays rolled around...with great anticipation and joy I greeted the girls back to the "nest"....only to find it took almost 3 days to "re-adjust" to having everyone back under the same roof.  By the time we "re-adjusted" it was time yet again to say our "good-byes"....tears...hugs and all.   And then summer came and I learned I had to adjust to living with "adults" (I use that term VERY loosely!!!!)......by August 1st I was ready to drive each of them back to where they came from!    YES, college is the "training wheels" to letting them go I think.

[Mimi Linna, Lilly and Lolly]

Deanna - I think your daughter and my daughter knew each other in baby heaven.. I truely think it is nature's way for wanting them to get the He&& out the of house. I remember telling her "Listen Missy I brought you in this world and I can take you out" not my best parenting moment.  She just called after dropping off her eldest at kidergarden where he would not let go of her leg. And wished she were not a working mom and could pick him up after school. I know how she feels. On the bright side; I am glad I didn't kill her when she was the hateful child because a) I would be in jail and b) I couldn't watch her go through the joys of parenthood.

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Two thoughts:

1) Something magical happens during a child's senior year in high school.  They turn from respectful, fairly compliant youngsters into eye-rolling, know-it-all, pains in the butt.  ( Acknowledged - some children start this process much earlier than senior year.)  My good friend has three daughters and as each reached her senior year, the metamorphosis began and each became more obnoxious than the previous daughter.  I believe this is Nature's way of easing the "off to college" trauma.  By the end of the senior year, instead of dreading the big move, parents are definitely ready to see them go!

2) The worst summer of my life was the one between my daughter's freshman and sophomore years in college.  She'd spent a year living independently, coming and going as she pleased - and she was bound and determined to continue her "grown up" ways during her summer home.  Gone were the phone calls home to say she'd be later than expected, gone was any sense of a curfew, etc. and I tried to go with the flow.  When she was away at college, I had trained myself not to worry (or I'd be worrying all the time).  Now that she was home, I knew when to worry and I did so, big time!  When summer ended and it was back to school, I rejoiced and when she decided to stay at college and take classes for the next three summers, I rejoiced even more!      

[Mimi Linna, Lilly and Lolly]

phoebe's mom... I too like the years from zero to three. they think you are wonderful and know everything and haven't learned to roll their eyes and think you are an idiot.

[Mimi Linna, Lilly and Lolly]

I had no idea that when I dropped my daughter off to college that it would be the end of her living at home and the CA girl would become a DC career woman, then a married woman and then a mother. Today she drops off her oldest at kindergarden to start another set of wings growing for his day to leave the nest.  I love your blogs..so well written.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Phoebe's Mom, Dropping her off at college was definitely a tough time, and now she lives in Oregon. My mom likes to remind me that I moved from Indiana to Baltimore, MD, but I tell her this is different, this is MY kid..LOL! Take my word for it, you will survive and can give yourself a pat on the back for raising an independent child. What an exciting time for someone out of high school when everything seems possible and within reach. On that note, I do send text messages to my DD that read, "I hate Oregon. Come back to Pennsylvania!"

[Phoebe's Mom]

My oldest is a HS sophomore this year and he talks incessantly about 'going away to college.' It does not help the matter that his college prep HS has an entire series of parent functions set up--starting next month--to help start the process.  I cry on and off during the day thinking about the day he will leave and have seriously considered telling him that he must choose a school no further than one hour away.  Seriously, academics be damned, this is my first baby we are talking about. I remember the back and forth to school when I went away (granted it was only 45 m inutes from home but with traffic it seemed a lot longer sometimes) and cannot imagine what it will feel like to drive away from him that first time. My favorite time is newborn to three years old--it is magical--HS is not doing it for me!   If only I did not suffer from migraines, I would seriously consider taking up drinking right about now!