Dear Pet Sitter, Please take Good Care of Fudge and Vern when I am Gone!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

We leave for our annual summer vacation soon and Fudge and Vern are not going with us. My sister in law has a beach house, and most of my husband’s family meets there once a year.  To call it a vacation, might be a slight reach, since about 20 people pile into one house, we still cook, do dishes, and laundry, and in the morning when you want to go for a walk, you have to maneuver through the bodies of sleeping nieces and nephews on the living room floor in order to get out the door. One wrong roll at the wrong time and someone could get injured. For some odd reason, my sister in law does not allow any dogs; despite the fact that I think a 90 pound dog and a 50 pound dog added to the hoards of people could only increase the fun.  I can see Vern now stepping directly on top of people, the women lamenting that they didn’t want to have more children anyways, the men cupping body parts and cursing, and the children crying and squealing that Vern is too big. Fudge would probably want someone to throw the ball for her, and in that house with all those people, it could be grounds for a lawsuit.  It is nothing personal against Fudge and Vern; she had the rule in place long before we got them.

Last year, when I had to leave the dogs for three days, I wrote a three page list of instructions for the poor kid watching them. My daughter’s dog was staying with us too at the time, and I asked her what her instructions were for the dog sitter and she said, “He needs to hug him, feed him, give him water, and take him out.”  When I showed her my list and she saw it began with 1) Vern sleeps with a night light, she said she should probably call for professional help. She added that the only thing holding her back was she just knew I would probably create an ugly scene, while I was being fitted for my special jacket, by  screaming over and over again, “Wait, I need my list, I forgot to add something!” as I was being carted away.

Well, it is that time of year again, and I have been working on this year’s list of instructions for the new pet sitter. I took into account last year’s list and the critique I received from my family and the fact that the pet sitter asked, “Fudge and Vern are dogs, right?” after he read all three pages.  I can’t help it, if I feel like no one understands my dogs the way I do, or that they will need extra TLC when we are gone. I have the feeding and care guidelines on another sheet, but I think I covered all the bases this time for the special instructions that only I know.  I am pretty sure no one can call any of these reasonable requests crazy.  

1)      Vern needs a night light at night or he gets scared of the monsters under the bed and the shadows on the wall.

2)      If Fudge puts her two front paws on the bed, it means she would like to be lifted the rest of the way up. Also, when she stands up on the bed and looks down at the floor, it means she wants you to lift her off of the bed.

3)      When Vern walks over to your side of the bed and stares at you, he either wants you to say, “Vernie, I love you this much,” while holding your arms out real wide, or he needs to go out and go potty.

4)      If you are in the bathroom and they barge in, yell, “Group Hug!” and throw your arms around both of them. They do not care if you are on the toilet or in a state of undress.

5)      Fudge will sit back and wait her turn for all things, so please don’t forget that she is waiting. Vern likes to get up close and personal, but Fudge likes to wait until Vern is out of the way until she eats, drinks, or comes in for a hug.

6)      When you take them out to go to the bathroom, the commands to use are “Go Potty” or “Drop it like it’s hot”.

7)      They are both afraid of hula hoops. Please don’t hula hoop while you are here.

8)      Fudge gets scared when you sneeze, so please don’t sneeze when you are here.

9)      Vern is afraid of lawn chairs. Please stand, if possible.

10)   Please take Fudge’s collar off when she and Vern go out to play. Vern likes to play, “Yank Fudge by the collar” and she does not like that game.

11)   Fudge will not drink out of a dirty water bowl, so whenever Vern drinks first, the water needs to be changed.

12)   They like when you rhyme to them…long story…but it started with a Limerick discussion. Vern, your turn and Fudge, please budge, are some of their favorites.

13)   If you insist on walking them in public without their training collars, please read and sign the attached waiver relinquishing us from all damages, injuries, and lawsuits.

14)   If you take them to the park, they both know sit and stay, but all bets are off if you park near a goose. (We found that out the hard way)

15)   Please keep your cell phone on day and night, in case I think of more “instructions”.

I showed the list to my husband to make sure none of these sounded too kooky and all he said was, “You forgot to tell her to burp them after they eat,” and I just looked at him and said, “That makes no sense.”  I just know I forgot something important…maybe we shouldn’t go…no, they will be ok….she has my cell phone number…why do we have to go on some stupid vacation?

[Angie, Hudson and Lily]

LOL! That was so funny! Thanks for making my night! It definitely goes along with the post about dogs being a member of your family! I hope you enjoy your vacation and Vern and Fudge have fun teaching the dog sitter about life as very loved Doodles. :)

[BG and Gavin]

I was with you right up until the hoola-hoop condition - that would be a deal breaker for me!

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

This post, along with all the comments, makes me extra glad that our daughter lives nearby.  We're rarely away from home (unless we're in our RV and Sedona's with us), but if we do have to go away, Sedona goes to our daughter's house.  No note or special instructions needed!!!

[Jennifer,Chloe & Myla]

OMD! HILARIOUS!! I bet you could go on and on with the list. The pet sitter is very brave!!! You are such a good and funny doodle mom! Drop it like it's hot? I wish you all the luck in the world 0n your vacation-we will miss you!!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I don't know if even I would be up for this challenge. You almost got me in trouble at work today, it is very hard to stifle laughter and try to look like you are doing actual work when you are reading this. The only thing I would add to the list is a 24hr monitoring by camera, so you can see what they are really up to. I was having a very vivid visual of the cabin situation but the "Drop it like it's hot" comment is what really set me off. Enjoy your vacation, well as much as you can without the doodles.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nina, Help yourself to the list :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Bonnie, Glad you and your daughter had a good laugh :)

Thanks, Linda and Sue. It is nice to get an offer all the way from Ontario.

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Sherri and Doris and F

Camilla, Actually, Vern won't jump on our bed either and it requires a hoist. He will jump on any other piece of furniture. I think it is the slippery floor or something. Who knows with these crazy doodles.

Thanks, Phoebe's mom, I suffer the same anxiety when we have something to go to during the day. I usually get my pet sitter to come over. My DH likes it, because it gets him out of family stuff if he offers to stay home :)

Karen, I think I am going to have to ask for DK contributions...LOL. I laughed hard at your comment to the pet sitter.

F, I won't be able to rest my funny bone. I need it to survive all the family time.

Lucy and Sophie's Mom, I think next year we just might rent a nearby beach house.

Janel, Living aboard a boat sounds wonderful to me. You should blog about that experience.

Anna, I actually do hula hoop often and have an exercise one...LOL!!

 

[Nina, Phil, Harlow & Lacey]

Oh Laurie!  May I barrow your list, please?  We are off on vacation in 2 weeks and I am freaking out with rules for our pet sitter.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Linda, Sue, Jane, and Lindsey

Sally, Thanks for your comforting words. I think it will all be fine too.

Tina, I didn't want to scare the sitter with a list of all the things Vern is afraid of, so I just listed a couple of things.