Do You Have O.C.F?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Recently, I have diagnosed myself with a disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Forgetfulness.  This is a condition that occurs in many women around menopause age and people with this disorder have unwanted and recurring thoughts that compel them to search out things daily that they have misplaced.  Every day, I spend at least one hour searching for my car keys, my cell phone, our house phone, my glasses, or my purse. Apparently, there is no cure for this disorder because I have tried many solutions and nothing works.  People have suggested a bowl by the door or a hanging hook to drop these items in as I come in the door, but I can’t seem to remember to do this simple act. John suggested a large strap that goes around my neck that I can hang all these items off of and when I said, "that sounds like something that might make me trip and fall," he just shrugged his shoulders and said at least I would know where my phone was to call for help.  I  have found my keys in my husband’s car, on the couch, on top of a piece of furniture, on top of our van, in pockets, and once, John had to drive all the way home from work to give me his spare keys because I was convinced he was behind some nefarious plot to drive me insane by stealing my keys.  Days later, I found the original set in my bathrobe and since I don’t ever drive around town in my robe, I can’t explain how they ended up there.   There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to how I decide what location to drop my stuff at upon entering the house and therefore, I am convinced not even Sherlock Holmes could figure out how my brain works and track my activities.

 

Sometimes, if there is no trashcan at the park, I put the dog’s used poop bags under my windshield wiper in the front of my car until we get home and I can dispose of them in our garbage can.  This would be a super system IF I remembered the trashcan part when we got home. It can be a hit or miss situation and once I drove around for two whole days with poop bags on the roof of my van, because I must have removed them from under the windshield wiper and decided to put them on the roof of the car for reasons known only to God and forgot about them.  We even took a day trip to Gettysburg with those two poop bags on the roof of my car and I am sure they would still be up there if I had not had to look for my keys one day and checked the top of my van.  

 

Don’t even get me started on poop bags. I try to remember to keep them in my van, but then on a walk, I put them in my pocket and sure enough, forget to take them out and next walk, they are no longer in the car.  Usually, this requires a trip back home for the bags or a hunt through my car for something else to use.  The other day, I got to the park in the pouring down rain only to discover I only had one poop bag.  I immediately instructed Fudge and Vern that only one of them could do their business on our walk, but realized later when Fudge pooped twice that I should have been more explicit in my instructions.  Luckily, I had a grocery bag in the car.  I even found poop bags in my camera bag on the cruise and was glad no one needed them while we were cruising. 

The fights that ensue over my forgetfulness are not fun, either.  Somehow, this disorder also causes you to blame those around you for your forgetfulness. It causes you to be belligerent and righteous in declaring your innocence…”I put my purse right here.  Someone moved my purse.  WHO MOVED MY PURSE?”  Even if the purse is discovered hanging around my neck, I am still convinced someone else put it there.  It is never my fault and that speaks to the severity of this disorder, because normally I am willing to admit when I am wrong.  Oh, and God help the person who tries to take advantage of my forgetfulness by blaming his own mistakes on me. Nothing makes my blood boil more than to pull up somewhere and have John turn to me and say, “did you remember to bring such and such?”   First of all, who assigned me the job of remembering everything and secondly, I am afraid while I am looking around for “the such and such,” I will forget to hit him over the head and say, “next time, bring it yourself.”

Well, luckily, I think I have come up with the solution. I am going to hire a manservant to follow me around and watch where I put my things.   I am not sure that is the politically correct way to state what I am looking for, so I want to be very clear, a male assistant and by male, I mean a hunk. 

I don’t want Mr. Belvedere, Mr. French, Niles, Tattoo, Lurch, or Max from the show, Hart to Hart.  Nope, if I have to say all day long, “Can you find my car keys? Did you see where I put my phone? Are my glasses on top of my head?” I want to have some nice looking, non-judgmental man hand it to me and say, “it was my pleasure locating it for you.” Now, I know many of you are saying, “well, aren’t you happily married to a hunk?” and the answer is yes, but he is often times not as enthusiastic and helpful as I would like when I tell him we will be delayed leaving the house until I find whatever it is I have misplaced. 

Furthermore, his comments like “why can’t you remember where you put stuff?” or “where was the last place you had it?” seems to bring out the worst in me and I don’t think yelling, “Gee, I wonder if those were the last questions Jimmy Hoffa asked his wife before he disappeared?” is good for our marriage. 

I am thinking this could be the answer to all my prayers. The amount of time I could save in one day would be staggering and eventually as my hunky assistant became more efficient, I could add additional responsibilities to his duties.  On the cruise, I got a terrible sunburn that still itches and have had to have John rub lotion on my back at night for relief.   The other night, as he was rubbing and I was issuing my commands….”Lower, lower, faster, faster, over to the right, over to the left, there’s the spot, keep rubbing, don’t stop,” I think he started to get the wrong idea because he said, “I think I might need some lotion, too.”  All this could be avoided if I just hire the right guy.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, LOL about Fifty Shades of Grey. I haven't read it either, although I do have the book. I laughed all the way through your comment. Yes, that describes my days exactly. LOL Maybe I need to ask for that tool apron for Christmas, but I would probably forget to put it on in the morning.

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I thought I was reading your blog but then I thought I must be confused because when I got to this  " I was issuing my commands….”Lower, lower, faster, faster, over to the right, over to the left, there’s the spot, keep rubbing, don’t stop, I was sure I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I must confess that I haven't read the book and the only shades of grey I know are my roots when it's time to dye.

 This is a fairly accurate description of my typical day, I should be as thin as a model from all the trips I make up and down the stairs because I can't remember what the heck I was going for. I can hide my own easter eggs but my favorite is when I put something somewhere so I know where to find it and then it is never seen again. I have gone to pick up my DH at work and driven right by because I forgot where I was going. I didn't leave my poop filled bag on the roof, I left it on the floor of the car and only remembered it when someone squashed it. :<(

I decide to water my garden, as I turn on the hose in the driveway I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go in side the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Diet Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Diet Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed;
the bills aren't paid;
there is a warm can of Diet Pepsi sitting on the counter;
the flowers don't have enough water;
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
I can't find the remote;
I can't find my glasses;
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I decide to take a bath and I stand there with one foot in the tub and the other out and for a moment I can't remember, was I getting in or getting out.

 

I think the manservant is a brilliant idea, let me know how that works  out for you. :>))

In case it doesn't work for you, here is option #2.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, LOL...since you replied first, you are first in line :)

[Carol and Banjo]

Laurie, Left overs work for me.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Carol, LOL...now, so far, I can remember what movies I have seen. My assistant is not going anywhere...LOL!!

Charlotte, I seem to do the same thing with pickles. We have so many pickles :) LOL

Nicky, I think this condition gets worse the more dogs you have...LOL!!

Adina, Yes, tell Clark there is a condition called O.C.F.  Dr. Laurie has diagnosed you and he should leave you and your phone alone...LOL!!

Nicky, Carol, and Adina, I will let you know if my runner up assistant pick is available IF my first choice doesn't work out :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, I guess I tip my hand by ranting...LOL!! I need to work on my poker face :) I have NEVER had a sunburn like this. I remember the girl behind the counter at one place saying the sun is more intense down here, but I guess I didn't listen. Now, I know and will never forget to put sunscreen on my back again and really plan on wearing a rash guard next year.

F, I would be insane. I am so glad you have a generator. Yes, I was wondering about the F word in Nina's version...LOL!!

[Bonnie and Kona]

Nicky, I love the preemptive strike. I'm going to try that! (if I can remember)

[Adina P]

P.S. I've been wanting to hire a 'mother's helper' for a while, I think one of your hired OCF helpers would do a bang up job!

[Adina P]

Finally a name for my condition!!! Can't wait to tell Clark so he can stop his delusion that I can just 'do better' and stop threatening to take away my phone forever just because I lose it 10 times a day.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Me too, I've got so bad that even before I look for my keys/purse/phone...I scream "I can't find my..." It's a preemptive strike in my default mode, ie panic. lol

Ps when you're interviewing you might get a surplus of good candidates, send them my way please.