Dogs and Kids....Are they Worth all the Money?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

When the first words you hear from your husband upon waking up are, “Hayley just called and her car broke down and she is stranded miles away in a parking lot,” you can pretty much assume it might not be your best day.  I blame it on grogginess that I said the first words that entered my head, “I hope you told her wrong number and hung up the phone.” No such luck and after a tow, a day in the shop, and a hefty bill, her car was all fixed and she was back on the road.  It is times like this that I ask myself if I would have been happy if I had just raised dogs.  When Megan got married, John kept saying that he hoped he could retire someday, and I would shake my head in agreement and add,   “I told you I had a headache that one day, nine months before her birth, but you wouldn’t listen.”   The thing is no one ever tells you that kids get more expensive as they get older.  By the time you have that all figured out, the little buggars have grown on you and you can’t imagine your life without them.  Dogs don’t get married.  Dogs don’t go to college.   Dogs don’t need Ugg boots for their birthday and they certainly don’t hand you their Christmas list with money starred and highlighted and listed as the top thing they want in their Christmas stocking.  Normally, my argument would be that dogs are far cheaper than children, except for us, not in the month of March.

 

March isn’t my favorite month.  Weather wise it can’t make up its mind and I hate our clocks springing forward.  I lose enough things each day; I don’t like losing an hour, too. I especially hate having to change all of my clocks and sometimes the clock hanging high in our living room just stays wrong until we roll back.  Instead, I just walk around for six months trying to remember which clock in our house actually tells the correct time.  This week alone I have complained that I am too hot in bed and not the kind of good hot, but the kind that makes you want to stand in front of a fan naked and hope nobody walks by the door when I am doing it and asks, “when did we get a Shar Pei and why is it standing in front of the fan?” Now I hear our Spring weather is going to turn cold again and once again I feel as if March has pulled the rug out from under us weather wise and likes teasing us and nobody likes a tease. March is also the month my dogs go for their annual veterinarian exams, shots, and the month their yearly pet insurance fees come due.  I almost always open those renewal emails and scream at John, “Whose idea was it to get dogs?  We should have just had another kid.”  See, how I can make almost everything John’s fault?   I really think this is my special super power and while John would say my Super Hero name should be The Castigator, I much prefer The Virtuoso.  Anyways, I didn’t think things through when I got two dogs, both in the month of March, without a thought to renewal premiums and annual exams. 

What was I thinking?

Sure, dogs and kids are cute, but cute doesn’t put food on the table or gas in the tank.  Nobody is hiring stick eaters, bubble bath models, lobster models, or rollers,

and frankly, the only commercial I can see my dogs appearing in is the one where the lady is down on the ground and yelling, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”  Put their leashes in the hands of some unsuspecting actor or actress, have a squirrel or groundhog show up, and the commercial will practically make itself.   The kids weren’t much better. We did have one incident where the youngest put a package of string cheese down her pants to solidify the fact that she would not be sharing with the oldest, but who is going to buy string cheese based on that endorsement or hire my food guarding children for the commercial.  I just don’t see String cheese, you’ll be the life of the party when you pull it out of your pants catching on or a string cheese jingle, String Cheese, Keep it in your pants, just be sure to check the expiration date, or you may end up with ants, being much of an endorsement to make you run out and buy a bag.

 

Nope, no income coming in from dogs or kids and even when the kids started working, God forbid you asked them to pay for anything.  My kids were Houdini’s when you got to the cash register with their stuff.  Either they were nowhere to be found when it came time to pay for the stuff they assured you they would be paying for or they would get this vacant look on their face when I called out to them like they had never seen me before.  Trust me, you walk a fine line at a store when you are trying to explain to a store employee that the children you are yanking on belong to you when those same children keep saying, “We have never seen this crazy lady before.  She keeps screaming that she wants us to give her some money!”  I once paid for my own “World’s Greatest Mom” shirt when Hayley disappeared at checkout time and Megan still loves to tell anyone who will listen that since neither of my children thought I deserved that shirt, I had to buy it for myself.   Score another one for dogs…they don’t talk.  Another time, Hayley gave me $6.00 for her item and when I told her it was $6.30 because of the tax, she puffed up like a peacock and said very indignantly, “I cannot believe my own mother would charge me tax.”  Megan had her own techniques to avoid paying after she would get her birthday money. She walked around for months with a new, crisp bill that my mother had sent her saying, “This new bill is too pretty to break? I promise as soon as I do, I will pay you back.”  Sadly, if you weren’t a dumb sucker like me you could see where this was going.  Months later, Megan still had that new bill and a tab with me the size of the US Budget Deficit. 

 

My mom used to say, “money doesn’t grow on trees,” but wouldn’t it be nice if it did?  Every time my dogs needed Frontline or Heartgard, I could go out to that tree and pick a few bills.  New braces for the kids and another trip to that tree, and we would be all set.  Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.  Dogs and kids are expensive and sometimes the older they get the more expensive they become.  Yet, I can tell you this, my life would not have been half as much fun without them and if someone came by one day and said they would give me back all the money I ever spent on my kids and my dogs in this lifetime in exchange for the memories and moments I had with them, I would say loudly, ‘NO DEAL.”  Oh, and just to be clear to Hayley, that sum I refused would include the tax.

Addendum:  After our walk this morning, I may change this to say, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I'm perpetually broke.  

I have two sisters, both have no children and  one that has a husband who does not want pets. They might even wonder what my problems are.... they might understand as failures are in life  ( pets, children)

On the other hand the relationships with my two older sisters are loving but strained. ? Of course.   My mother tells me they are jealous of my life.  Really?  Really?   :)   

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

PS. I can't believe you'd charge Haley tax either LOL  Another enlightening blog!!

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

I just organized all of Finn's vet bills for the past year to submit them -- only to see the fine print on the form "you have 90 days…" Really? Nowhere did it say that in the policy.  Sigh.  Just throw it into the grooming, dog food, treats and toys black hole.  And my human kids can make money evaporate :)  But I wouldn't trade any one of them for the world. Never :)  

[Stella]

I take my two to the vet next week for their annual check up, vaccines, heart worm testing and to pick up their Revolution. This is a visit that always costs around $900 anyway, this year I need to add thyroid testing for Chase (another $250) and I have found a lump on Hartleys neck I want them to check. I also need to renew Chase's Fluoxetine prescription ...... So, a one hour visit to the vet is going to end up being over $1000 dollars, Eeek!!!!

[Jarka, Monty & Auggie]

Laurie, this is funny. Maybe that's why I only have dogs... But come to think of it, I stopped my bi-weekly visits to clothing stores as soon as Monty joined us. I wonder why...

Jane, sending hugs to you and Murph. Hope he is better soon.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh Jane! Sending hugs and love to you Murphy and Guinness. 

[Robin and Libby Louise]

Oh no, Jane!  I hope Murphy is ok!  Sometimes, especially after I hear some heart wrenching news about another doodle, I sit and stare at Libby and start freaking out thinking about all the what if's.....ridiculous, I know, but sometimes it happens.  Can't imagine life without her and I'm just the Godmother!

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I'm not a big fan of March either....especially THIS March.  The weather is SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING WARM...but it's not.  This is the month for Murph's insurance renewal and annual vet visit which has now turned into five vet visits, a total change in food, another "anal gland procedure and dental cleaning", food intolerance testing....and I could go on and on.   As I was sitting on the bathroom floor at 3:30 in the morning a couple nights ago while Murph was having a reaction to his bordetella vaccine, and he was laying on my lap scared to death I couldn't help but think how much I adore this big lug....and I so love his "little brother" who has been so worried about Murph...following him around kissing his face and licking his eyes.  I can't even imagine life without them.  They are family.

[Robin and Libby Louise]

Well, I don't have kids or my own dog (although I'm hoping that will change...), and now I think I will forego String Cheese forevermore!  LOL!  And Laurie, there's no sales tax in Delaware either (as I'm sure you know) - a lot closer than Oregon in case of an emergency!  :)

[Gail and Bailey]

Loved the blog, Laurie!  

I have an ONLY child, an ONLY grandchild, and an ONLY dog and I can easily say that I spend more on each of them than I ever spend on either my husband or myself!!!    I would not have it any other way!!!!