Flat Laurie!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As most of you know by now, we have a new member of our family and she is big and flat.  I would like and take a moment and tell you how Flat Laurie came to be.  I am sure most of you also know that I have a bit of OCCD, which for most laypersons is known as Obsessive Compulsive Competitive Disorder.  I had my poster done (with the help of PJ) for the DK cruise door competition finished in February of 2013 and the cruise was not until October of 2013. 

When I went home to Indiana this summer, my sister showed me some photos of her niece’s high school graduation party and a life size cardboard cutout of the niece that her mother had done for the party.  Well, as you can imagine this was like one of those Oprah “Aha” moments and we all agreed that one of these cutouts would be a perfect addition to the cruise and the door decoration.   Unfortunately, Hayley, my resident Photoshop expert, thought it was beneath her talents and quite frankly, a little odd.  Luckily, I have a much less judgmental Camilla on standby to help with some of my wackier ideas and I think it speaks to our maturity level that we both agreed this idea was a winner. Of course, my doppelganger would need to be wearing a bikini and water shoes (why does everyone think they are clown shoes?) for it to be the absolute perfect doppelganger. I supplied the photos and the rest as they say is history.

Without Camilla’s help, I would have had to take an actual photograph of myself in a bikini and water shoes, and sent the photo off for my cutout.   Even I know that taking a self-portrait and blowing it up to life size proportions smacks a little of narcissism and I didn’t want to be accused of trying to draw attention to myself.  That would be odd, like Hayley said.

 

At the same time I sent Flat Laurie off to be made, I ordered bikini shirts for the women going on the cruise and muscle shirts for the men.  I was bound and determined to have a whole bikini theme going on for the cruise and wanted to have Flat Laurie stand in for me when I took the photo. 

I thought at the very least it would cause F to spit out her morning coffee and yell to nobody in particular, “I have had just about enough of Laurie and her bikini.” I thought it would be good for a few laughs and that would be that. Well, the first thing I did when I got in our room on that cruise ship was unfold Flat Laurie and try and get the kinks out before introducing her to Doris (Knox and Flash).  I have noticed each and every time that I have met Doris that she is a lovely, sweet, and classy lady.  What I have never noticed, prior to this cruise, is that she seemed to have a slight speech impediment, especially in regards to Flat Laurie.  It seemed every time Doris tried to say her name she “accidentally” said Fat Laurie instead of Flat Laurie. Of course, she apologized profusely every single time and kept saying, “why do I keep saying it wrong, y’all?” Doris really thought she was funny and wanted me to introduce her to the others immediately.

 

Who knew that once Ronna (Murphy and Wilson) met Flat Laurie they would become such hard and fast friends?  Ronna was dippy over Flat Laurie and it was so obvious to all of us who was Ronna’s favorite on this cruise. It got so bad, that a couple of times I said to Ronna, “would you like to go to breakfast with us?” only to have her say back, “not particularly, but I will go with Flat Laurie.”  Honestly, how could I compete with a cardboard cutout wearing a bikini and big water shoes that turned out to be the life of every party?  It couldn’t be done by a mere mortal.  At Key West, I did buy a wiener hat and asked Judy and Leslie if I used it as a sun visor, which way my wiener should go, but even that was not as funny as the things Flat Laurie was doing all day.

Should my wiener go this way?

Or this way?

It did produce a giggle from Leslie’s mom, Judy, which was almost worth the price of the hat, but still no competition for Flat Laurie.

 

I am getting a little ahead of myself in the story, because before we even stepped foot off the cruise ship to explore ports, Ronna had decided that Flat Laurie was going with her everywhere and pictures would follow.  Since Ronna was paddle boarding in Key West and Flat Laurie cannot get wet,  mainly because we were afraid those water shoes would fill up and sink her,  we also had to decide who got to carry her around until Ronna was done.  This presented a whole other set of problems with finding a bag to fit her into and once again I noticed Doris couldn’t let go of the whole fat/flat thing and said again, “This bag might not work. Flat Laurie’s a big girl.”  We did finally work it all out and I asked for a couple of things, 1) that Flat Laurie continue to be a good girl 2) Flat Laurie not end up in an episode of Law and Order: SVU and 3) Flat Laurie not end up in a video with no clothes on or on an episode of Jerry Springer “Who’s my baby daddy?” Promises were made before I relinquished Flat Laurie and as near as I can tell, promises were broken.

I am not deaf…I could hear the giggles and whispers and even had the clerk at the Photography kiosk say to me on more than one occasion, “are you flat in these photos, too?” I found more pictures of Flat Laurie at the Photography booth then I did of me.  There was Flat Laurie with the gang getting off the ship.  There was Flat Laurie photobombing a couple of teenagers.  Oh look, Flat Laurie is in that picture, too, and those are just the professional photos taken as you are moving about the boat or getting on or off.  Flat Laurie even came to dinner one night with the gang, but was forbidden to come to formal night, since she was wearing only her casual bikini. Who knows what is out there of Flat Laurie taken by my fellow cruisers, but I can tell you I will be suing someone if Flat Laurie ends up in a video called, “Flat Laurie does Florida!”

 

It just goes to show you that bad things can happen when you take a young, cardboard cutout out of the sheltered environment she is used to and introduce her to the bigger world.  It was like watching an episode of Breaking Amish; only this episode was called Breaking Flat Laurie.  Near as I can tell from the photos I have been allowed to see, Flat Laurie is now a drinker, pretty darn loose, spent some time in the shower with Elizabeth’s husband, and may be sporting a butterfly tattoo. She was so popular on the cruise; I didn’t even get to take her back home with me. Plus when we were talking about future cruise/trip dates and Leslie gave us a couple of dates that wouldn’t work for her, I noticed her mom, Judy, piped right up and said any date would work for her with or without Leslie.  I turned to Leslie and said, “it is pretty sad when your own mom would cruise without you and I have been replaced by a cardboard cutout.  They will probably room together next year.”  I even asked Ronna point blank if she liked Flat Laurie better than me, and she said, “probably.” John also noted that she complained less and at least at home, caused less trouble.  Doris just kept chiming in that I did this to myself and Fat Laurie (there’s that stutter again) was fun.

The good news is since Flat Laurie was in such high demand; there are now two of her.  See, she is so perfect she can be in two places at once.  My sister has Thanksgiving every year and when she heard about Flat Laurie, she was bound and determined she was coming for dinner. I kept explaining that I didn’t have Flat Laurie and for all I knew she could be headlining a Vegas show by now or working at the Mustang Ranch, but she would not take no for an answer.  She went on and on about how she was setting a place for Flat Laurie and everyone was so excited to meet her, and to shut her up, I finally ordered another one. Probably next year at this time, my sister will just invite John and Flat Laurie to Thanksgiving dinner.  Luckily, I also got her a winter outfit, because it gets cold here.

I even added her to my Christmas card and asked Hayley if she thought I should bump Fudge’s Santa picture to the back, so Flat Laurie could be on the front and got an earful. She got really mad and said, “Mother, can you hear yourself? You want to bump a family member to the back of our card for a piece of cardboard.”   I guess not everyone “gets” Flat Laurie.  All I know is this Flat Laurie is staying put in our little podunk town and no one is going to take her to the big city and turn this good girl bad. In fact, I hope she settles down soon and finds herself a Flat John.

 

P.S. Stay tuned for an exciting discussion involving a mini Flat Laurie

[F, Calla & Luca]

Who knew what John was hiding under those baggy shorts and tee shirts? Unfortunately Fat, I mean Flat Laurie never hid a thing. I now understand you better. Even your sister is unhinged  has strange different tastes. 

[Janie, Jackson and Jilly]

Who knew another FL would show up! Or is it Flat Furry Laurie! I loved the first version and I love this one too! I had to laugh that FL was appearing in other people's pictures on the cruise! John is a good sport to say the least! Mine wouldn't even let me post the CP picture! Another great blog, how could you ever top this!

[cheryl & oliver]

Laurie, this blog made my day, i laughed until I cried, what a great time u all had on the cruise, I am definately going to make the next one, I need laughs like this all the time, lol...And FJ, wow he will be the envy of all the men on land and on the cruise...where have u been hiding him???? (lol)  I would love to know what John said when he saw this "picture of him."..You are the best....

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

Everytime I read one of your blogs I think they can't get cuter or funnier and then THEY DO!!!  I laughed the entire time reading this and FL certainly got around during the cruise and at ports!  She is a wild one Laurie!  Now, your new FL has some real class and will make the perfect quest at the family Thanksgiving dinner!  John, oh Laurie what can one say???  Hot, hot, hot!  I think they will be a rush to sign up for the next DK cruise! 

[Leslie and Halas]

Winter Flat Laurie (WFL) looks great!  That is a much more practical ensemble for your Pennsylvania winters.  Maybe that's the extra incentive I need to visit you in PA and help take down your Christmas decorations.  And I love Flat John's abs, but he may need something more practical for winter, too.

FL is a blast to hang out with, but she doesn't really say much.  Well, she doesn't say much with her mouth.  But her actions speak volumes.  She WAS a good girl!  Good luck keeping WFL tame.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I actually read this blog last night before bed, (boy, did I have some strange dreams), but decided I needed to wait til morning to comment, as I was drinking red wine and didn't trust myself to respond. (I'm happy to report that no spitting occurred.) I'm so glad that I waited, as the others have saved me the task of finding the right words to express my thoughts about Flat John's physique. Let me say that I agree with all comments on that and move on. 

I'm also glad I waited to comment on FL's winter outfit, because I wasn't sure, but it did look suspiciously similar to the monkey outfit that I believe you humiliated dressed Vern in some time back. I see now that I was correct. I applaud your attempts to be environmentally responsible and try to recycle, but IMO, your jealousy over her popularity has caused you to try to make a monkey of her. She deserves better. May I suggest this:

And for the holidays:

I say, let Flat John choose.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Laurie, you're very special! And even on cardboard too ;)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Joanne, Glad I could help!!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

I was feeling a little flat today. Now, not at all. I'm fat on laughs and DK love.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cheryl, LOL. That cruise did wonders for John :) FL is not a beaver. OMD She is in her winter outfit and I think it is supposed to be a monkey. I wonder if that is what BG stands for....we will have to ask her. LOL

Sheila, LOL...Doris does need help :) John has that mankini in orange! I will have to try and dig up a photo. Vern has it in black. FL will be on her way soon. Be patient!

Leslie, I know you will have more to say later. I am afraid for FL's reputation as you were one of the bad influences.

Jane, See what you missed on the cruise :) John hides it well. LOL Thank you!!