How to Lose Weight and Look Good in Shorts!! A Must Read for Dog Walkers!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

 

As promised, I have been giving a lot of thought to this blog. Summer for me means I have to pull out last years shorts and make sure they still fit. It is always a crap shoot and could go either way. For years, I have been saying the extra pounds are due to the baby weight I put on when I was pregnant, but my baby is 25 now and people are starting to question that theory.  All last year, I promised myself I would lose weight for my DD’s wedding, but I was also keeping my stress levels down with an almost daily trip to Auntie Anne’s Pretzels so I probably broke even at the wedding. This year I have no excuse, but every Saturday I still wake up and think next week I promise I will start back on Weight Watchers.

 

I am a veteran Weight Watchers attendee. Over the years I have joined and quit so many times, that one time the lady weighing me asked if I even needed the literature for that week.  Usually, I start off by trying to attend the meetings, but then I get irritated by the over sharers of the group who want to tell you about how their husband did this and they had a hot fudge sundae or their boss yelled at them and they had a Twinkie and frankly, I don’t care. A couple of times I have thought about shouting, “Get a therapist already, but then I see my daughter giving me the stink eye and I vow to keep my mouth shut for another week.”  I am sorry to be so mean, but I just find it so rude for people to be talking while I am trying to calculate in my head if eating an entire box of Weight Watchers Peanut Butter cookies during the meeting is going to blow my points for the week.

 

The last time I joined my daughter decided to join with me. This was her first time going and I tried to offer her some motherly advice based on my success of losing and regaining the same pounds over and over again.  My first tip was to add one inch to her height thus making her goal weight higher. Genius, if I do say so myself. Next, I almost choked when I saw what she was wearing to the first weigh in…jogging pants and a short sleeve shirt. I told her to go change and put on a pair of boots, jeans, sweater, and a down jacket. I could see I had my work cut out for me when she mentioned that it was July and wouldn’t she be overdressed? Duh…that is the point. I told her layering was her best friend at a weigh in and next week, we would lose the down jacket and boots and no matter how successful we were with the diet that week, we would, for sure, lose weight. After all my help and tips, she said she wasn’t going to change her clothes, because she thought my way was cheating. Raising two daughters has taught me to pick my battles, so I just said, “Do it your way, Honest Abe, but my way works even if weigh in does get slightly x-rated after week four.” All she said was she thought at week five, she might switch to a different meeting.

 

Another thing my family has learned over the years is to give me my space when I am dieting. Because starving does not agree with me, I can get a little testy and start saying things that could hurt feelings. After sitting down to another chicken with broccoli dinner one night, I have to give my DH props for trying to be upbeat and saying everything looked wonderful, Between my gagging and complaining about the food, I did manage to spit out, “I guess it might look good if you were a member of the Donner party and it was this or Larry’s arm.”  So, he switched to bad cop and told me I was being dramatic and healthy eating would improve my life.  I felt like knocking him over the head with a can of Progresso Light soup, but instead I said, “When is the last time someone tuned you up?” After that he said he thought I should lay off The Real Housewives of New Jersey TV show while I was dieting.  

 

Most of you can see by now, I have no clue how to lose weight and look good in shorts. Basically, I wear jeans. A while ago, I saw Bob Greene on Oprah talking about his book 20 Years Younger.  I have heard it all before. When is someone going to come up with an easier weight loss plan than diet and exercise?  We can send a man to the moon, and we can’t invent a pill that makes blueberry pie look gross to me or make a no calorie, fabulous tasting Auntie Anne’s pretzel?  Come on….I think the diet industry is in cahoots with the government.   Next week, it is back to Weight Watchers for me….I think….wait, maybe after vacation…no, then we have that party in August….soon, I promise.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Tari, I am in Seven Valleys, PA...just above the MD line :)

Jane, I have the beach in two weeks....and I had to get the old suit out of storage and make sure I can get it on. I feel your pain. It is a Lands End suit....LOL. I love how they fit anyone, but are always modeled by women with perfect figures in the catalogs. Your DH cracks me up :)

Lisa, Just think...we could post before and after pictures in the Romp collage. Think about it..oh wait, I know how to doctor a photo...never mind :)

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Laurie, if I thought I would really be a Super Model riding my bike from your house to Stow, OH I would jump on my bike today and meet you half way to ride back together, what do you think, 3-4 days...no wait, it's hard for me to commit to a diet that long let alone exercise...never mind.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

The shorts are bad enough....but I've just been through the ultimate humiliation of buying a new bathing suit.  I couldn't bring myself to try them on in the store....so I ordered online.  Lands End claims to have them to fit any figure, so that's where I went.  It came, and it's a bit revolting.  It has a built in underwire bra (important for me since my boobs are now in a whole new place), and it stands up all on it's own.  It was sitting on the kitchen counter, and DH asked what it was.  I think he was unnerved by the sight of the "bust" sitting right there where we sometimes eat.  I just can't wait to put this thing on and head for the pool....NOT.

[Tari]

Hi Laurie,

 

Where are you located if you don't mind my asking...?

 

Tari

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Tari, You had me laughing. Guess what...I am 54...LOL! I will have to look into a boxing class, although, like you say, it might not be the best thing for the people around me :)

[Tari]

Laurie, you are an absolute scream!  Thank you for brightening my day.  You sound so much like me with both the dieting and the humor to survive.

I am 53.  There, I said it.  Online.  Anyway, I've tried and retried every diet for years, blah, blah blah.  You've heard it all before, along with the ever so helpful "If I can do it, you can do it!"  Gag, spit.

 

Soooo, let me tell you what has started working for me in more than one area, after all these years.  I don't know how old you are, nor do I care, as it does not matter.  I saw an ad for a boxing class nearby. (At my age, I don't look so scary, but take a swing at me for some reason and you'll get 53 years of built up crap coming back at you with mine.)  Know what I mean?  It's been six weeks, I see my ex-husbands face on there every time I swing or kick (they offer kick boxing too) and I've lost 15 lbs.

 

Just think about it.

 

Tari

[Leslie and Halas]

Well, true.  I guess they can have a pass since they are concerned for you well-being.  I think they only weigh people to watch us scramble to remove our heavy shoes and jackets. And sometimes watches.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Well polite..I say actually, "No, thanks, I don't do that." But they do continue to ask on later visits : ) But why would I threaten them, I'm there for medical advice/treatment after all.

[Leslie and Halas]

@F: Politely refuse?  Screw that!  I'll bet that if you rudely refused and even threatened them, they'd put a note in your file and wouldn't even ask next time.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Doris, Thanks for the tip :) Good luck!