I had to Fire my Assistant Photographer!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

I have never had any interest in photography.  When my kids were younger, I was the mother at every event that never had a camera.  I just always thought I would rather live the experience than see it through the viewfinder of a camera.  When our first daughter was born I did take lots of pictures of her, but by the time the second one came along it just seemed like there were not enough hours in the day to get everything done, let alone pull out the camera and snap pictures.  At some point, I decided we at least needed one annual picture at Christmas time to showcase the girls on our annual Christmas card.  Since I had no real talent for photography, most of the setting up and staging of the photo was done by shopping until I found their perfect outfits and then bullying them on the actual day until they agreed to put on those outfits.   On picture day I ran that household like a Dictator, some used the word Tyrant, and no matter the mood of my subjects when I yelled, “smile or else,” I expected results.  I didn’t care if they were muttering, “daddy, can you find us a new mommy by next Christmas?” under their breath, as long as they were smiling.   In those days, I used to rush the film down to Wal-Mart, wait for it to be developed, and hope for the best.  Sadly, on one occasion the pictures were all terrible and I called home on a pay phone to tell John to get them back in their outfits and as he relayed the message, I could hear screams and cries for help in the background.  To this day I am not entirely sure whether it was John or the girls.

 

When I got Fudge and Vern something happened to me that no one could believe.  I started taking pictures.  I even bought a fancy camera.  On Monday, my daughter, the photographer, was off work and we agreed to go out and try to get some great pictures of the dogs.  On the ride over to the park, we had a long talk about photography and art and she informed me that I was too literal in my thinking about photos and art.  She doesn’t feel I am willing to expand my mind when it comes to art. This isn’t the first time someone in my family has accused me of not expanding my mind about one thing or another, although it would bother me more if they added most of my expansion seems to be happening in my clothes.  I got what she was saying because I do like to know what I am looking at when I see a photo or a painting.  I don’t want to interpret the artist’s meaning or try to think up something to say like, “those squiggly lines seem to represent the artist’s break from reality.” 

Frankly, if I saw the famous painting The Scream in person at some exhibit, I would probably be asked to leave because I might blurt out to the person beside me that I looked just like that when my kids used to get out their recorder to practice on when they were younger. 

It reminds me of the pictures they used to draw of me when they were first learning to draw people and I always had a big, open mouth and I never considered any of those drawings to be masterpieces.  My daughter is right.  Show me an abstract painting of a one eyed woman and I will probably tell you I saw a card up at the local Hallmark store that I didn’t understand either that had a woman with one oversized eye on her forehead that said, “that’s Cyndi with an I” and can someone tell me what that has to do with wishing someone a Happy Birthday?  So, literal Laurie it is, which brings me to the conclusion that maybe I had better just stick with photographing my dogs and working to get the best possible pictures of the things I like to see in a photo.  I have also come to the conclusion that it is literally impossible for me to photograph two dogs without an assistant to help. 

 

Because my daughter is a far better photographer than me, it is hard to have her for an assistant.  I just know while I am setting the dogs up for a pose and physically backing myself up to get both of them into the frame because I forgot I could simply adjust the lens, she is secretly thinking, “what a dumbass.”

She never actually says it, but I see the eye rolls and the shakes of her head.  I just feel like an assistant should know less than the person she is helping or at least pretend to in order to inflate the ego of the person being assisted.  Unfortunately, since I know the least of anyone in our family regarding photography, I have been unable to find the perfect helper from the applicant pool.  Sadly, the session with my daughter was cut short when one of our models ran into the lake and then rolled in leaves and we decided we did not need any more pictures showcasing a filthy dog. We also decided we get better pictures if I am her assistant and going out to lunch is more fun on her day off.

Sadly, I may be out of options, except to wing it on my own, because my other assistant and I did not fare much better last weekend.  My first mistake was taking my camera with my husband and me on our walk on a day when football was being played.  I felt rushed because someone was in a terrible hurry and kept saying he thought we were just walking the dogs and he didn’t know Olan Mills was invited. We also have different styles. On the way over in the car he tried to explain about apertures, ISO settings, and lighting, until he saw my head start to nod and he became concerned because I was driving the car.   He wants to explain everything and I just like pushing buttons and looking at the pictures and saying things like, “I just need to figure out how to get their feet (or fill in the blank) in the shot, too.”

I don’t like the expression dumb luck and he uses it a lot when I get a nice picture. 

 

Besides being rushed this weekend, I also didn’t react well to a couple of suggestions my assistant made that I felt were overstepping his bounds.  Before we even got to the location I had selected in my mind, he cautioned me to make sure I was prepared with my camera before he got the dogs posed.  Things got tense when I asked him if he thought I was an idiot and he answered differently than I had expected. 

Later when he said to make sure the lens cap was off before I took any pictures it became crystal clear to me why the first three letters in assistant happens to be a-s-s.  Finally, I decided to work with the models individually for better results and was just setting up my shot when the other model, entrusted in his care, ran by and pounced on the subject I was photographing. 

The pouncer:

The pouncee:

He stated that he was not able to get her collar on quickly enough and he was hoping this signaled an end to the session, so he could get home for the game.  I felt he left me no choice but to fire him and since he is my husband I tried to be kind when I simply stated we would no longer be working together. 

He took the news better than I expected and in fact, yelled out, “Hallelujah,” as we packed up the gear and headed for home.

P.S.  We decided to take a camera course in the Spring together. Please look for a blog soon called, “I Quit the Photography Course Because the Instructor Bugged Me.”

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Leslie!

[Leslie and Halas]

Funny as always. And you got some great photos!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Donna, What we go through to photograph our dogs :) LOL  I HATE when my dogs drink out of the lake. I am with you....YUCK :) Quincy still looks so clean!

[F, Calla & Luca]

Wow you gals are heroic!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I totally understand having to fire you ass-istant. I am beginning to think I should just pass the camera to my ass-istant and doing the set up myself. I have one that has deserved to be fired many times. I think I'll  just call him Jack ass-istant to avoid any legal issues should he read this. There is nothing like someone standing back being totally useless and belly laughing as you endeavour to get a good picture and the subject of said picture is taking a side trip into the duck pond, yuk  (which I would never let him do in on a good day) or in your case a lake. Tis a terrible thing to have to suffer for your art. :>)

 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Deanna, Just keep thinking how wonderful your home is going to be when you get all done :)

Sheila, Vern is still upset...LOL!! He will be over it by morning. Usually, people say Fudge is a boy, not vice versa. You are forgiven...you are a nice daughter :)

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

I say "more power to you" that you were able to work with John at all.  With all the remodeling we're doing, I've been FORCED to work with Doug making important decisions and, boy, has it been challenging.  We're still married, but ...

[Sheila & Finnley]

Oh Laurie, I can't believe I even typed that ! OMD, please ask Vern to accept my deepest apologies !

My only excuse is complete exhaustion by the time I got on DK last night. It comes after a morning (yesterday) of having to bring my father to 2 doctor's appointments (in the bitter cold) plus, being in the car for over an hour, with someone who repeats the same 3... maybe 4 questions over and over. Are you shedding a tear yet ? I hope I didn't insult poor Vern so much that he can't lift his tail proudly anymore !

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sheila, How dare you imply I ramble on and on and on and on and on and on......LOL. Wait until I tell manly Vern you think he is a girl :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Camilla, OK, now I am on your side about not smiling :) I trust that you did the right thing to make your point. LOL

Doris, Please come to PA. We would have so much fun :) You're hired!!

Nancy, LOL...how true :)

F, I just want you to know that I did a lot of research before I posted this blog because I wanted to make sure that I kept my fact checker (You) happy. I was trying to determine what style of art the crazy one-eyed photos are...abstract, impressionist, cubism, etc. I finally decided I did not know and just winged it, but wanted to let you know that you keep me on my toes :) Thank you for your comment. I told you that you are my inspiration for walking dogs. In the yard, I am fine on my own. It is out in public I need all the help :) Unfortunately, my backyard is in bad shape and we have taken to laying down straw to eliminate all the mud.

Bonnie, Thank you for your support and blaming it all on my assistants :) LOL