I Smell a Rat!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Remember the blog I just wrote where I got all touchy feely about sleeping with Fudge?  Well, scratch what I said and let me start over.  Circumstances have changed here and I now want to keep Fudge in a crate at night so she cannot touch me.  I think once I get done with my story, everyone will agree with me.

 

The other night, John had a business dinner and the dogs and I were home alone.  Now, normally this is a good thing, because when John says he won’t be home for dinner, it frees up a large part of my day…..the part where I try and come up with another reason why I didn’t cook dinner that night.  I am running out of excuses and even went so far one night as to act all surprised when he came home on time and said, “What are you doing home? I thought you had dinner out tonight.” I knew darn well he didn’t have a dinner that night and he probably knew I knew as well, but it is just easier for John to play along rather than admit we don’t always hear what the other one is saying and risk having to have a talk about communicating better.  Regardless of my skilled performance, worthy of an Oscar, most bad things happen around here when John is at work. In addition, he is almost always unreachable by phone, as if he thinks I should handle emergencies on my own.  Sometimes, I think he looks at his phone screen, sees my name come up, and says to himself, “I think I will let my little friend, Mr. Voicemail, handle this call.”  You would think he would learn by now that sooner or later I will get a hold of him in either a “you won’t believe what just happened” mode or a “why can’t you ever pick up your damn phone?” mode.  Those modes are usually easily recognizable by the tone and volume of my voice when I tell the story.

 

Well, I was happy the other night. Content to grab take out somewhere and settle in for a relaxing night with full control of the remote control.   That didn’t happen.  I was outside taking photos when I noticed Fudge was very intent on something under a pine tree that borders the nearby farmer’s field.  I know the look she has when she in hunting and pretty soon, Vern decided to check out what she was doing, and before I knew what hit me, I could tell they cornered something.  This is usually when I start praying that whatever is cornered might make a miraculous leap over both Doodles and escape and put the word out to all his friends to stay out of our yard or else.  When this doesn’t happen, my next prayer is that whatever is cornered looks fluffy and sweet even in death and does not scare me.  Almost always, my prayers go unanswered the way that I would like them to be answered, and I end up being grossed out and wondering why I thought I needed a dog in the first place.  That is exactly what happened the other night when Fudge looked up at me with a dead RAT in her mouth.  I knew instantly what it was, but I let my mind try to trick me for fear I would pass out, and tell me maybe it was only a squirrel with a hairless tail or a rabbit with a string attached to its back end. I am not sure why one dead animal would be better than another, but a rat conjures up images of dirty and nasty and horror movies.

 

Since I have never seen a rat anywhere in our vicinity and told myself they only live in the heart of big cities or sewers, the rat was a big surprise and I did what I usually do in this kind of situation and started screaming.  That got Vern’s attention and he immediately ran to me and I threw him in the car. Fudge, however, had adrenaline pumping through her after her big kill and it took banging on our trashcan with a shovel and more screaming, before she decided I was dead serious, dropped the horrible creature, and jumped in the car. After that, I ran around the yard a little like a chicken with her head cut off, texted John that we lived in a rat hole, and prayed he answered my text or at least called 911 on my behalf. When no cavalry showed up to help me out, I did the next best thing and summoned my neighbor for help.  I doubt he will be back, since as he shoveled up the dead animal and walked towards me to dispose of it deep in our woods, I continued to scream, “stay away from me, RAT!” and finally jumped in the car. My neighbor kept saying, “Laurie, I am just walking by you to get to the woods. I am not going to put it on you.” I am sure he could feel my level of trust as I locked the car door.  Later, he tried to reassure me that the rat had come up from the cornfield, but at that point, I didn’t care if he was Templeton from Charlotte’s Web and was there to crack jokes about a pig and a spider. It is hard to continue to deny that unwanted critters live in cornfields if you keep seeing them and hearing about them.

 

Even in the safety of my locked car, I did not feel all that safe, because the “rat killer” and her brother were locked in there with me.  I didn’t see Vern do anything with the creature, but he was down there and as far as I was concerned was guilty by association.  To be safe, I asked both of them to never come near me again.  When I close my eyes, I can still see Fudge standing there with that rat hanging out of her mouth and Vern standing there, not sure what was happening, but liking all the excitement. Truly, if I had a nightmare, this would be my third worst-case scenario, right behind both of them holding a rat or a snake.

 

Needing reassurance, I called a friend.  In a situation like this, there are two types of friends you can have…the one who giggles and makes one-liners at your moment of crisis or a better friend.  Unfortunately, the friend I chose to call was with her twin sister in the car and could barely contain her mirth as I retold the rat story.  The two of them were yelling stuff like “make sure you brush and floss Fudge’s teeth tonight,” and “uh oh, I hear once they taste rat crack, they never go back,” and then they would erupt into giggles.  It really was so bad, that it turned out they got all the way home before they realized they had met back at some parking lot and needed to go back there and pick up a car.  Neither learned their lesson in Karma, because my friend continues to write comments like “I smell a rat,” when I post a picture of Fudge on Facebook and I am starting to think she doesn’t give a rat’s ass that I am really grossed out.  Luckily, my family was far more helpful and when I called Megan, she said, “mom, Fudge is a dog!” and when I said, “well, in that case, I think I just found the perfect baby gift for you and her name is Rats,” she told me I was being dramatic.  Hayley said, “Gross!” and told me she was not going to help me move out and John told Fudge he was proud of her, which felt like he did not fully grasp that my shuddering, convulsing, retching, and nervous tics, meant I viewed this as something negative that Fudge did.  He did mention that Rat Terriers were trained to kill rats and managed to get his ears plugged before I yelled, “I bought Labradoodles…NOT Ratoodles!”

 

This happened over a week ago and Fudge and I are slowly re-building our relationship. I am no longer slathering up with soap and water every time we touch. I still don’t want kisses, but now instead of saying, “don’t touch me, you little rat killer,” I am finally able to say, “I love you, you little rat killer.”  I know she is just a dog and was doing what dogs do, but I won’t be sorry when she goes back to being an ornery little princess in my mind and the only image I have in my head of her with something in her mouth is a tennis ball.

P.S. I did call the vet immediately and she was not terribly concerned since Fudge was current on all shots. She also questioned if the farmer put down any poison in the field, but felt again, we were safe because the rat was entirely intact. No more gross details, but all seems fine. The farmer has been harvesting his wheat and plowing in the field.

[Bonnie and Kona]

:o) 

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Bonnie, LOL

F, Yes, the way you spin it, I guess Fudge is a heroine :) Maybe I will just give her a pat on the head. LOL

Lonnie, I know....don't even try and imagine sweet Libby with a rat :) It isn't pretty. LOL

Lori, I didn't see it and don't plan on it. LOL

[Lori, Quincy & Frankie]

Guess you were not a fan of the Disney movie Ratatouille?  me neither!  

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

OMGosh I think you did very well under the circumstances Laurie!  I can't even imagine finding Libby with a dead rat!  I do LOVE your "excuses" for dinner part, so true in this house too:)  Great blog, well maybe not the content of why it was written!  Ugh!   LOL

[F, Calla & Luca]

I think Fudge has saved you from a world of trouble. The rat was probably slowed down by pregnancy and Fudge has reduced the potential rat population dramatically. Saved by the doodle! Now give that girl a kiss.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Funny how I'm the trouble-maker when someone who shall remain nameless gave all of DoodleKisses the heebejeebees! ;o)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Nancy, OMD...I feel a little better now :) My dogs love goose poop and I spend some days on our walks just correcting and commanding them to "leave it!" Dogs are gross :) I feel a little dirty now, too! LOL Glad to know Fudge is not the only rat killer!

Cheryl, Bonnie is a trouble maker :) I didn't know white rats liked TV. LOL

Nancy, That soaps looks like fun. I am sure Fudge would love it :)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I am with you and think you should have your house fumigated  - just in case!   My niece makes and sells lovely scented soaps and perhaps, Fudgie needs her mouth washed out with one of them.  I am for watermelon/jolly rancher.

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh Cheryl! I am so sorry I jogged that memory! Yucko! 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Bonnie's comment jogged my memory that my son used to date a girl (a pre med student) who had a white rat as a pet.  She rescued it from some medical lab and swore it was as affectionate and intelligent as a dog.  OMD!!! I walked in to her apartment one day and they were watching TV on the couch WITH THE RAT!  I walked right out the door again!!!  I think I supressed that whole memory. Thanks for bringing it up again :)  Have I grossed everyone out?