In Honor of My Friend, Debbie, Who Died of Breast Cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Three years ago, I lost a wonderful friend to Breast Cancer. She was 48 and left behind two teenage boys and her husband. This is going to be a long blog, but how do you sum up someone’s life in only a few short paragraphs?

 

After graduating from college with a degree in Chemical Engineering, my husband got his first real job in Baltimore, Maryland, at Bethlehem Steel.  He met another engineer there named Eric, who also lived in our apartment complex.  The two men had a lot in common and we were quickly introduced to his girlfriend, Debbie.  The only other person we knew in Baltimore was my sister, so from time to time we would get together with Eric and Debbie.

 

In the beginning, we helped each other move to various locations.  I think it was shortly after we moved from one apartment to another apartment right next door, without packing anything up, that Eric and Debbie wished they had better friends. We teased each other for years that they kept following us and moving closer to us and were not understanding the hints we were leaving each time we moved further away from them.  In the end, we ended up getting houses within walking distance of each other.

 

When Eric and Debbie got married I was very pregnant with our oldest daughter. After we delivered our baby girl, they came over to see her and Eric was clearly impressed when he asked,  “What else does she do?” as we all stood around and admired her. We had our second daughter, less than two years later, and she had a host of major medical problems. It was Debbie and her sister that helped us out one day watching our oldest while we had to take the youngest via ambulance to the hospital.  Debbie always made sure to call and find out how we were doing.  She really had a knack for gathering friends and making sure she stayed in contact with all of them.

 

A few years later, Debbie and Eric started having their kids and ended up with two sons.  Debbie was Jewish and we got to attend our very first Bris and I stood right up front to see what was happening, while my husband stayed in the back and held on to his man parts and winced and grimaced to offer support to their son. Years later, we got to go to our first Bar Mitzvah for the same son and again later with their second son.  I kidded her and told her I thought it might have gone better if the readings were in English, but it truly was a wonderful experience.

 

Before they had kids, Debbie would sometimes go with me to pick up my oldest at school. She was tall like me, only much thinner (which always burned me) and as we were walking together in the hall one day, the Principal stopped us to comment how two tall women happened to be friends and Debbie responded without batting an eye, “We like to travel in packs.” My daughter is 27 now and I have never forgotten that moment.  We laughed for a long time after that happened. 

 

I always invited them to the kid’s birthday parties and once when Debbie called to ask our daughter what she wanted for her birthday, our daughter told her a bra.  Now, Megan could not have been more than 4 or 5, so Debbie played along and asked her what size and Megan said she thought she was a medium.  Debbie used to try to trick our oldest when she would call the house and disguise her voice and tell her she was a saleswoman or something and Megan would always roll her eyes and say into the phone, “Hold on, Miss Debbie, I will get my mom.” Who knew we were building memories for a later time?

 

Over the years, her kids came to our annual Halloween party, we talked on the phone, and our friendship was easy because we were at the same stages in our lives and no explaining was necessary. We were both married to Engineers that worked long hours and we each liked to laugh. I wouldn’t say we were best friends, but we were old friends and sometimes that is better.

 

Then one day our life took a turn. Debbie called to tell me that she had Breast Cancer. She was the first person I knew my age that had the dreaded Cancer. Of course, I was sure it was treatable and curable and Debbie would be fine.  What we didn’t know at the time was Debbie had an aggressive form of Cancer.  She was a fighter and ended up having a breast removed and having to go through Chemo. Throughout everything, she never lost her sense of humor. Things looked good for a while and then it was back with a vengeance. I still thought if anyone could beat it, it would be Debbie.  She asked me to take her to Chemo one time and what a gift she gave me on this day. Of course, I was not looking forward to going, but I ended up thanking her for allowing me a chance to see what she went through to fight this disease.

 

I picked her up the day of Chemo and we got to the Hospital and we went right back to a private treatment room and waited. We waited a long time and from time to time she asked me to go out and see what was the hold up.  Finally, after we had been there forever, the nurse came in and I said, “At this point, I don’t care what you start dripping into that port. As far as I am concerned, it could be the antibacterial soap sitting by the sink. Let’s get this show on the road!  I need to be home by eight for the premiere of Dancing with the Stars,“ and I heard lots of laughter coming from the other side of our door in the treatment area.  Not everyone might laugh at that joke, but Debbie sure did, and it helped to break the ice.   She did tell the nurse, however, she would probably have another friend bring her next time and all three of us shared another laugh.

 

After Chemo, she had me stop at her Dentist office for another problem she was having with her gums due to the treatment.  The nurses wanted her to sign a standard form regarding the dangers of X-rays and all she said was, “I hope it doesn’t cause cancer,” or something like that and I told her I was thinking the same thing and we were in stitches.  As we were leaving the Dentist office, I said I hoped the next stop was her GYN appointment for her annual exam to top off the day and we both cracked up. Debbie and I connected through our humor and she knew I used humor to get through many hard situations and this was one of the hardest of them all.  Later, I realized that this was her way of showing her friends what it really meant to have Cancer and all that it involved. She made it so easy for us to help and after you saw what she was going through, you sure did stop and count your own blessings.

 

Finally, they had to stop Chemo and Debbie was the one who let us know through emails or calls.  She was so great about sending updates around through emails or calling to ask how you were doing even when she was fighting a losing battle.  I always said dumb things like, “Don’t give up hope….don’t stop fighting,” when I should have told her how I valued our friendship and what did she need me to do or maybe just listened and not tried to think of the right thing to say in response.

 

The day she died, I was waiting to be called back for surgery to remove a tumor in my breast. My husband took the call, but I knew before he said anything that Debbie had died. Luckily, my tumor was benign and Debbie would have been the first one to congratulate me on that victory.  I still have her phone numbers logged into my phone and for a long time I would think “I have to call Debbie” and tell her about this or that and then I would remember. You can’t ever replace an old friend.

 

Debbie was so loved by family, friends, and co-workers that her funeral was standing room only.  Most of her family, including her dad, both sons, her father-in-law, the best man at their wedding, and many more stood up and talked about her lovingly and movingly. There was probably not a dry eye in the house, because she was loved and liked by many.  Police were there to escort the large crowd to the gravesite.

 

Cancer won this round, but we can all take precautions that it does not win another one. Do your breast exams and see your doctor regularly.  Mothers teach your daughters to do these things too.  Get to know your body so you know when something is not right.  Men can get breast cancer. It does not care what sex you are, how old you are, what kind of person you are, or if you will be greatly missed if it wins another battle.  Debbie never got to see her boys go to college. She won’t get to attend their weddings, experience grandchildren, or grow old with Eric.  Debbie’s courage throughout this ordeal was amazing and she taught us that life is a gift and to use our time wisely.  Her boy’s got to see that their parents were a loving team in sickness and in health and that the smallest gestures can speak volumes. Take the time this month, and as often as you can afford to, to make a donation to any organization that works to eradicate this dreadful disease.  We must never forget all the Debbie’s that fought or are fighting so valiantly to live.  

 

[Carol and Banjo]

I'm sorry you lost your friend at such a young age Laurie.    What a lovely tribute and thoughtful reminder to all of us to value all that we have.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

What a lovely tribute to your friend which you have shared with us here.  I lost my best friend ten years ago to Cancer.  Today I am visiting her eldest daughter who has brought her first baby to Ireland for a visit.  I was in the hospital one hour after that daughter was born and remember lots about her childhood.  Her Mum and I were so close that we could finish each others sentences though unlike yours my friend Sue was small and I am tall.  We looked like the odd couple.  She looked staid and conservative and I am (was) a little wild.  We were an odd couple.  The best we can do is to keep the memories of these good friends alive as you have done here.  Thank you for sharing this.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Thanks for this beautiful tribute to a very special friend.

[Ronna, Murphy & Wilson]

What a moving tribute.  Thank you for sharing this.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

What a tragedy, and what a moving tribute you have paid to your old friend. You have not just shared your memories of her, which ensures that she lives on in spirit, but you have also honored her memory; because of your blog, Debbie's legacy may be to save someone else's life.

May she rest in peace, and may her name be for a blessing.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Thank you. 

My father died of esophageal cancer in 2000 and I still  miss him every day. I carry with me his example of living and dying with dignity and compassion for others. He would tell others that he had lived a full life and while he didn't want to leave this world, there were others who needed to receive the 'miracles' and be cured.  He was even concerned about the impact hair loss might have on little children's psyches during their treatment - this from a man who had been bald since he was 25.

[F, Calla & Luca]

What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful person. And I truly believe you were a wonderful friend to Debbie. I do understand that old friends are special and mine are getting older all the time. My most long term friend and I started kindergarten together a very long time ago. She has had breast and uterine cancer but she has done well. In a couple of weeks we're supposed to get together with our other friend from out of town, a newcomer who only joined our class in 4th grade. She's had colon cancer but has done well. I've been lucky so far in that regard but life is fragile. I try to use that as a marker against which to measure the trivial like weeds in the lawn or bad hair days. We do need to take care of ourselves and do what we can to help others. And you have just reminded us. Thank you.