It's a Whole New World! (Nothing to do with dogs and everything to do with new technology)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

This blog doesn’t really have much to do about dogs, except I think of lots of these things while out walking with them.  It’s when I do my best thinking and lately, I have been thinking that I’m falling farther behind with all the new technology.  Hayley and I went on a road trip this weekend to North Carolina to visit my grandson and everything about the GPS I used got on my nerves.  I remember the days when we just used a map and the hardest thing about it was figuring out how to re-fold it when we were done. Now, I have a woman shouting, “recalculating” over and over again when I refuse to go the way she tells me.  I found myself yelling at her to shut up and today I actually told her I was going right when she told me to stay left and when Hayley said I would be then going the wrong way, I told her I was tired of someone telling me what to do. Hayley, of course, told me my reasoning made no sense, but I felt empowered for just a moment…right before I stayed left.

 

As often happens on road trips, a trip to a rest stop is inevitable and caused me yet again to reflect about “the good old days.”  I hate the automatic toilet flushers because I don’t think I have ever entered a stall where the timing goes off without a hitch.  I want to flush my own toilet, when I want, and not have the thing go off as I enter the stall, or stand up and have nothing happen.  Unlike Dr. Oz I am not one of those people who likes to see more than I have to in the bathroom.  All I want is to be in control of my own destiny and have toilet paper that comes out willingly and is not governed by some locking mechanism designed by a “two square” miser trying to save a penny or two.  If I want to use the toilet paper equivalent of a teepeeing job on the White House that’s my business.  When I go to wash my hands, I do like the automatic faucets, but hate the hand dryers that do not dry your hands. Those dryers give a whole new meaning to “wet pants,” because that’s usually where I end up drying my hands.

 

I remember when we took Megan car shopping and the first car we looked at was used and had the handles you rolled down to get the windows to open. Megan looked at them like she had just landed in another realm and said, “What’s this thing for?” When I finished explaining what the crazy crank did, all she said was, “I don’t like this car.” This is exactly how I felt at her house trying to operate their television set.  I was in over my head and needed help. Most people operate their TV with a remote or by pushing buttons on their television set.  Doc and Megan have their TV connected through their X-box and operate their TV with verbal commands.  Megan can turn her lights off upstairs with her cell phone and when I say things like, “in my day, we walked a mile to turn off our upstairs lights, “ they usually start laughing and ask if I slept in a barn loft and used a candle snuffer. 

 

Anyways, I volunteered to babysit for Archer and before they left I was given a short lesson on operating the TV using voice commands.  Inwardly, I was thinking, “how hard can it be? I know how to yell at stuff,” but in reality, I learned later, I should have paid more attention.  I also decided that X-box must be a man, because it seemed to have selective hearing and the ability to ignore my directions completely.  Before they left, I told them to put the TV on Law and Order: SVU and it said there were 13 episodes loaded, so I thought we were all set.  I figured grandma would have the place running like a well-oiled machine by the time they got back.  That positive attitude and confidence lasted for about ten minutes right up until the time I made Archer his bottle and liquid starting pouring out of the bottom.  It has been a long time since I have been a mother, but in my day, bottles had two parts…the nipple and the bottle. Now they have about 5 parts and I inadvertently left off one part of the bottom of the bottle, which seemed to serve the purpose of keeping the milk in the actual bottle and allowing Archer to drink directly from the nipple. It seemed the part I left off, changed the bottle into a sieve and I did not think Megan was going to like it if she came home and found Archer crying from hunger and covered in milk.  Once I got that situation taken care of, I decided to tidy up the kitchen and run the dishwasher.  I have a dishwasher. I know how to operate a normal dishwasher, but their dishwasher would not start. I even tried yelling, “start, dishwasher,” in case it was hooked up through the TV, but nothing made it go and then the worst thing happened. 

 

All of a sudden, after I had watched several Law and Order episodes, the TV stopped playing and it flashed me a message, “Do you want to continue watching these episodes?” WHAT??  It was like my mom was in the room saying, “that’s enough TV for now.”  So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do and said, “X-box, yes…..X-box, continue watching….X-box, turn the damn TV back on,” and nothing worked. Nothing I yelled worked. That message stayed on the TV like a reminder that this new smart world was too smart for me.  I got on my phone and called Doc, Megan, and then Hayley and not one of them would answer their phone.  It has long been a mystery to me that all my family members have phones attached to them like lifelines, but never answer the phone when I call.  Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Hayley called back and passed the phone to Megan and in between all the muffled laughter I heard when I explained the emergency, Megan told me to use the controller like she had showed me before they left.  Huh?? What controller?? Turns out beyond verbal commands, there was an additional controller that looked like something found on a fighter aircraft used to eject oneself prior to crashing and I could only wonder how all this was easier than just operating a TV remote.

 

Of course, when they got home, all of them continued to say that I had been given all the instructions needed to operate the TV before they had left and finally I said, “X-box, shut them all up!”  For the rest of the weekend and all the way home, I continued to say things like, “X-box, change dirty diaper….X-box, start car…..X-box, change radio station…X-box, tell Megan to put a sock in it,” until I think I made my point.  I may be dumb in some ways, but I still know a thing or two about getting in the last word. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Laurie, get John to show you what to do and remind him that he is better off when you are happy. And yes, sometimes a remote is under me or a dog. Dogs even manage to change a channel sometimes.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, LOL..next time, I should make Megan do the bottles before she leaves, although I will be opening myself up to rude comments :)

Nancy, I finally got a smart phone and I must say, I really love that thing. Get a little stylus pen...that helps with the typing. We have had one too many "adventures". That's why we got a GPS :) LOL

Cheryl, I agree about the 12 step program :)

Karen, I just got my smart phone in October and I have to say I love it very much. I also am reading my first book on a Kindle :) LOL about the TV remote. I am constantly hitting some button that makes my screen go blank and have to wait until John can fix it. I also have no idea how to adjust our fancy thermostat. We are going to have to make the effort to catch up or I will be sitting around in the dark with the air conditioning running in the dead of winter :) LOL

Carol, We can do it!! I hope :) I am going on a trip soon and already prepping myself for those public bathrooms. LOL

Lonnie, Thank you! I can't tell you how happy it makes me, too :)

F, You know I complain a lot, but I will learn it :) I can just see you at command central with Luca barking at the TV and you trying to find the right remote to mute the TV :) 

Bonnie, I think I will be fine :) LOL

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Another classic Laurie.  My favorite part was the visual I get of you with Archer's bottle.  I can relate.  I never did figure out the multiple steps associated with "making a bottle" with my grandkids.  One of my "babysitting prerequisites" was that my daughters did the bottles before they left.  The "old" bottles were so much easier.  My daughter insisted that the "new" bottles provided a much healthier and more pleasant feeding experience for the baby and prevented gas which I believe takes all the fun out of burping them. 

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

LOVE this.  When we babysit at our son's house, he is so impressed because we play with the kids instead of putting a movie on. And once the kids are in bed, we read.  It isn't because we are so great - we simply don't know how to work his remote! I need to get a smart phone and join ya'll in this century, but I haven't done it so far because my fingers do not make anything happen on the screen.  And GPS - I'd love to have it because we get lost all of the time.  However we 'cover' our lack and call it an 'adventure.' 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Oh Laurie, THANK YOU for speaking up :) Is there a Technology 12 step program ?? Well there should be :)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, would it make you feel better if I tell you I'm not even all that sure about how to use the TV remote, Laurie? 

Or that I use a flip phone that doesn't do anything other than make and receive calls, and all I know how to do on my iPad is play games? 

My head spins just thinking about all of this technology. It's supposed to make life easier, not more complicated, but to me, it's just the reverse. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. 

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh Laurie.....I LOVE this blog!    You've put into words exactly how I feel about this new world!    I do love "gadgets" and technology....but there's just SO much to learn and remember!   Our trip to Florida is coming up soon and so I'll be stopping in plenty of public bathrooms along the way.   Not one is the same as the last....and I know I must always look confused, as I'm never sure if the toilet will flush on it's own, or the water will magically come out of the faucet, or the paper towels will appear at the wave of a hand.       Seems everyday there is some new technical hurdle to get over.

[Lonnie & Libby Lu]

LOL  This is hilarious, but soooo true too!  I can totally relate Laurie and FOR SURE nothng would get in the way of me watching Law & Order SVU!!   I am so happy that they now live close to you and you are able to visit/babysit your sweet little Archer.  Oh and of course see Megan and Doc too!  

[F, Calla & Luca]

There is no doubt that you know how to get in the last word :-) I have at least six remotes near my command center AKA my bed. I often end up dialing a call on the TV remote and changing channels with the phone and wondering why nothing happens. I now have a smart TV that I could talk to but I turned that function and the one where I could gesture to the TV, that could be dangerous :-) loved your blog but you need to try not to let technology intimidate you. Remember your competitive nature :-)

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh my doodle! Technology over-load! I hope you can recover before attempting to babysit again.