Sleeping with a Bed Cover Hog!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

With the outside temperatures rising, it is rare now to find one of the dogs in our bed.  The other night was an exception.  Fudge slept the entire night with us and it reminded me again what I do not miss when she joins us in bed.  Fudge is a cover hog.  Most every night, Fudge waits for Hayley to come home from work and put her up on the bed with me.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Fudge can leap tall buildings, jump into trucks, jump on and off our stone wall with ease, catapult from our boat, and bounce around trying to escape Vern, but she refuses to jump onto our bed.  Instead, she will place her two front paws on the bed and look around like she is thinking, “a little help, please.” She likes to wait until I am all settled in bed, doing a million things, or in the bathroom, and along she comes expecting her royal behind to be lifted the rest of the way into bed.  I have tried to out wait her or hide in the closet so I am standing there when she comes around the corner and I don’t have to be interrupted by her timing, but somehow she knows what is going on and always waits until I am in bed before arriving.

 

I know I have a number of conspiracy theories, but I honestly think she does it this way because when I get out of bed, I throw my sheet and covers back and she knows if she gets to that area before I get back into bed, she’s got herself the most comfortable, padded area on the bed.  Now, before you say I sound insane, I would like to add that I spent 20 minutes on the phone the other day with my mother who has convinced herself that the cook at her place purposely gives her the smallest food portions of anyone at her table.  When you put into perspective the fact that she was totally worked up about the size of her stuffed green pepper and was absolutely convinced her pepper was some sort of freak of nature and the cook had it out for her, either you would conclude that my theory about Fudge no longer sounds crazy or that I come by my paranoia naturally.   Each time my mom tells me the green pepper story; the pepper shrinks and is now about the size of a walnut. Oh, and if you dare to make a joke and say something like, “well, you did say you wanted to lose weight, “ or tell her to yell, “is that Lawrence Welk over there?” and quickly switch peppers with a table mate when everyone turns to look, she might tell you to stuff your own pepper.

 

So, conspiracy theory aside, all I know is, for the rest of the night, my covers are half under Fudge and no matter how I push and pull, I can’t get them right again.  Usually, the covers only pull up as far as my stomach or only cover one side of me and the other side is left exposed to the elements.  The only benefit I can see to this method of sleeping is if a burglar came into our room in the middle of the night and happened upon my exposed backside might scream and alert us to his presence or silently say to himself, “I need to find another line of work. This job is killing me,” and run out of the house.  It is also the reason you will never find mirrors over our bed, because neither of us wants to look up and in the words of Haley Joel Osment say, “I see broad people!” Hey, it’s not easy finding words that rhyme with dead and mean plumpish.  It was either broad or spread.  Anyways, you get the point, and can see why we prefer our covers to be covering and not resting under Fudge comfortably.

 

In addition to Fudge, if I didn’t know better, I would think John grew up on a little house on the prairie, slept in a loft with his five siblings, shared one thin, tattered blanket between them, and spent nights fighting for his share of that blanket. Some nights, when he pulls the covers to him, I am instantly uncovered and in the morning, I will find the covers that are not covering him lying on the floor on his side of the bed.   The other night when he pulled, I told him to turn over and look what he had done and he said he would rather not and could I just describe what I was seeing.  So, I said, “you are in bed with a partially uncovered woman who needs your immediate attention,” and he said, “Can I phone a friend?”

 

The saddest thing of all and the part that keeps my mom and kids telling all their friends that I am nuts about my dogs is I know I could push Fudge hard enough to move her or yank the covers out from under her, but I don’t want to disturb her and have her up and leave the bed.  So I suffer, just not always in silence. If my mom only knew that some nights Fudge stands up in the middle of the night, right at the edge of the bed, and waits until I get up and say, “GO, FUDGE!” before she jumps down, she would tell me I have a screw loose.   It all goes back to my theory that in another life Fudge was royalty and was used to her comings and goings being announced.  Hear ye, hear ye, all rise please; Fudge will be leaving the bed!  I can only believe that I was her lady-in-waiting or the town crier.

 

Maybe I have never gotten over that mother mindset that our kid’s needs come before our own and this carried through to my dogs.  Just don’t ask my kids because they will tell you they never slept with us and I was adamant that after a short amount of time reassuring them that they were fine, they go back to their own beds.  Hayley will also tell you that just the other day I said to her at a wedding shower, “Fudge, let’s go stand over there.”  After that, she told anyone that would listen that she ranks below my dogs, until I finally said, “Zip it, whoever you are, or Fudge and Vern are going to bump you right out of your bedroom.” I also was not big on assisting them when I thought they could do it themselves and while I think it was character building, they will tell you it bordered on child abuse.  Swinging is a good example…I would only push for a specified amount of time and then I assured them if they would just pump their little legs they could make it happen without involving mom.  Once, when Megan asked for more pushing, I said, “what do I look like? One of the Great Wallendas?” and she answered back, “I don’t know who they are, but if they are mean to kids, then YES.”  Fudge and Vern have not asked yet for help on swings, but I wonder what my response would be to them.  Something tells me, my kids and mom don’t want to know that answer.

[Carol and Banjo]

Laurie,  You're mother and her Green Pepper Conspiracy story is hilarious!      Fudge has you down pat girl!   Great start to my day, thanks!

[Leslie and Halas]

Fudge needs her comfy covers! Halas is more of a pillow guy. He slowly forces me off my pillow, or tries to smother me with it.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

LOL, Laurie, what a great way to start my weekend! You cracked me up, and at the same time made me feel so much better about the fact that JD will not sleep with me and I have a whole king-sized bed all to myself.  :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Julie!! I love when Fudge curls up beside me in bed. Vern is more of a paw-in-your face kind of dog :) I just want to be prepared first, so I still have covers :) I know just what you mean. Some nights Fudge walks right by me and goes to get in her own bed and I actually say, "Fudge, come up here with me. You will love me!" LOL

[Julie and Max]

Laurie as always your blog had me laughing. Especially since I play similar cover games with Max. I also won't move him. He always manages to position himself to take up the most amount of space on the bed he can, whilst holding down the covers and sticking his back feet in my stomach. I am always wondering why I tolerate this. I am uncomfortable and yet on nights where it's warm I almost feel hurt when he goes to lay on the floor, and I can sleep in comfort.