The Perils of Christmas Shopping!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

The other night,  I went Christmas shopping. All I needed was a couple of gift cards and most of my shopping would be done. The last store on my list was BJ’s for a phone card for my mom. If you are thinking how much fun it would be to get a gift from me, I am just getting my mom what she wants every single year.  All she ever wants is postage stamps, phone cards, gift cards, or cold hard cash. If you make the mistake of trying to pick out something fun and different, she gives you the speech about having too much stuff and not having room for anything else.  One year I got her zebra sheets because A) she likes zebra prints and B) it just made me laugh to think about an 80 plus woman having zebra sheets. It wasn’t nearly as fun returning them as it was purchasing them.

 

I try to comply with her wishes and that is why I was up at BJ’s picking out the phone card when suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing there was a free gift back between aisle 19 and the meat section. They even had a flashing blue light to guide you to the correct location.  Well, as soon as I heard “free gift” and “hurry back before they were all gone” I knew if I had to hurdle the entire shelf of books and three toddlers in a stroller, that free gift was mine. I increased my walking pace from a lazy saunter to an “I couldn’t move faster if the aisle was lined in Hershey kisses” pace and was soon back at the correct location with about fifteen other people.

 

I quickly noticed a display with a large cutting board and bins of fruits and vegetables. I hoped I didn’t shout out “what a rip off!” if after all the effort I made to get there, I was only leaving with an onion or something.  Pretty soon, here comes a guy who launches into a spiel and starts talking about our free gift and opening this blue container and shutting it like he is getting ready to pass out a Cuisinart to each one of us and then finally hands us all a small cutting tool.  He starts showing us all the neat things it can do and never mind that I hate to cook and there is not a chance in hell, I will ever make a fruit salad housed in the middle of a hollowed out cantaloupe, I continued to listen and started to feel like I was holding the Hope Diamond in my hand.

 

Next up, was the Chef’s Envy and I realized that little free cutting tool was just a ploy to reel you in for the kill.  The salesman started cutting onions, tomatoes, cabbage, and carrots, into neat little pieces right before our eyes. It was obvious that the Chef’s Envy was a guillotine for fruit and vegetables and despite the fact, that I own a Cuisinart, a mini-chopper, a Pampered Chef chopper, and paring knives, I knew I needed to add this to my arsenal on the off chance that one day, someone in my family turned to me and said, “how about a salad tonight with small, meticulously pieces of a variety of vegetables thrown in for fun?’ and I didn’t respond back in my usual way, “Who do I look like to you? Martha Stewart?” and actually attempted to make the salad.

 

Watching this guy demonstrate the Chef’s Envy gave me the same feeling I get when I see an infomercial for any kind of cooking aid on TV. I am convinced if I buy this tool, I will start to like to cook and be able to make amazing dishes and soon earn a spot on The Chew demonstrating my best dishes, which to date usually involves hamburger and a can of Manwich. Unfortunately, this theory has not proved correct up to this point and a Magic Bullet, Cuisinart pie maker, Panini maker, Jack LaLanne Juicer, and various other unused kitchen items are sitting on my shelf gathering dust.  I am no quitter, though, and I am sure my new Chef’s Envy is going to make all the difference in the world and luckily, because I was in a state of euphoria at the demonstration, my son-in-law is getting one for Christmas too, along with the amazing caddy that prevents you from chopping off your own fingers when handling this amazing tool.  I knew my daughter would not appreciate a gift that landed her husband in the ER while trying to make Stir-Fry.

 

When I came in from shopping and showed my husband and daughter my early Christmas present to me and told them that some great salads were in their future, all my husband said was, “I will clear another area in the pantry.”   My daughter said, “Mom, the last salad you made me, you dumped lettuce from a bag into a bowl,” and I answered back, “that is precisely why I bought this little baby.” I could tell by the shakes of their head that they thought my purchase was a big mistake and that is precisely why I prefer to shop alone.  If one of them had been with me, I am sure they would have been saying stuff like….”you don’t cook….didn’t I take one of those to Goodwill a few months ago?….stop buying crap you never use,” as I handed over my credit card and who needs that when shopping.  If I wanted to hear that, I would listen to my Good Angel more.

Meanwhile, my neighbor just told me about the Yonanas Frozen Treat maker and I have been considering asking for a Food Dehydrator for Christmas so I can make all of Fudge and Vern’s treats.  I can see it all so clearly in my head. Wholesome treats for Fudge and Vern, pounds melting away because of all the great salads I make every night, and a frozen banana treat for dessert. Now, I just have to make a promise to myself to take the stuff out of the boxes.

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Well it wasn't easy, there were lots of eyes staring at me...I took it as "I wish I had the gall to leave" haha, besides DH was lose in the store and that is NEVER a good idea cause we don't really need 22lbs of pistachios and new tires.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Laurie, I found it and Dorothy Parker, by coincidence, said it of Calvin Coolidge. Now you'll at least know comparing you to a President, as described by a great humorist, was a compliment of sorts: )

The most appropriate tribute to Calvin Coolidge may have come from The New Yorker’s Dorothy Parker.  When told that Coolidge was dead, the writer said, “How can they tell?”

http://deadpresidents.tumblr.com/post/539101615/how-can-they-tell

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Lisa, You sound like you were smarter than I was at BJ's!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Sharon, Good luck with that plan. My DD lives in Oregon...LOL!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Deanna, I know just what you mean about "Groundhog Day." I wish my mom would even cooperate enough to give me a list. My husband is going to get See's candies to give to some co-workers this week. Love that candy.  Maybe we need to remodel our kitchen, so I stop buying those gadgets too :)

Sherri, I made a mistake. It is a Breville Mini-pie maker purchased at Williams & Sonoma.

http://www.williams-sonoma.com/shop/electrics/electrics-breville/?p...

Sherri, It looks like Santa came early to your house :)

Nancy, LOL

Pat, Don't try and talk me into any more stuff :)

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Another blog with which I can totally identify!!!  I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty of shopping for parents who "have everything they want and/or need".  For years my parents' Christmas wish lists (creating the lists was part of our family's Thanksgiving routine) ended up being more of a "do not get" list - don't get anything for the kitchen, no more sweaters, I don't need slippers, etc.  As a result, Christmas for my parents ended up being a "Groundhog Day- the movie" kind of thing - same thing year after year, e.g. two pound box of See's Nuts and Chews for my dad, a gift to Heifer Project for my mom, etc.

As far as the collecting of kitchen gadgets in hopes of turning me into a gourmet cook thing - been there, done that.  However, a few years back we did a major remodel of our kitchen, so everything had to be boxed up and stored until the kitchen was finished.  As I began to find places for all of my junk  treasured kitchen gadgets in my new kitchen, I had an epiphany!  I was never going to love cooking, I was never going to be good at cooking!!  So off to Goodwill I went with my cache of kitchen things - some never even used!!  Now, resisting the latest gadget is easy!!!  

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Ha ha, I had the same thing happen to me at my BJ's, I put down the "gift" and left the crowd.

I wish I were this far along in the shopping.

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

p.s. Cuisinart has a pie maker??? I have to look this up!

[Sherri, Sophie, Winston, & Kitty]

ha ha. You are so funny Laurie. I want those zebra sheets. Shopping would be so much more fun if the aisles were lined with hersey kisses... or better yet, doodle kisses!

Knives haven't ever been my thing, but the other day I was at future shop to get a gift and came home $500 poorer but with some fancy hi tech wi fi blu ray dvd player and an hdtv terminal and all the hook ups. i don't know how I get sucked into this stuff so easily. I swear it's going back to the store when I get home...well, maybe I'll keep the dvd player.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Well......  I never learned to cook and now that I am retired, I think it is just too late to learn - and I am certainly glad.  I think I would prefer those zebra sheets to the Chef's Envy.