The Perils of Christmas Shopping!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

The other night,  I went Christmas shopping. All I needed was a couple of gift cards and most of my shopping would be done. The last store on my list was BJ’s for a phone card for my mom. If you are thinking how much fun it would be to get a gift from me, I am just getting my mom what she wants every single year.  All she ever wants is postage stamps, phone cards, gift cards, or cold hard cash. If you make the mistake of trying to pick out something fun and different, she gives you the speech about having too much stuff and not having room for anything else.  One year I got her zebra sheets because A) she likes zebra prints and B) it just made me laugh to think about an 80 plus woman having zebra sheets. It wasn’t nearly as fun returning them as it was purchasing them.

 

I try to comply with her wishes and that is why I was up at BJ’s picking out the phone card when suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing there was a free gift back between aisle 19 and the meat section. They even had a flashing blue light to guide you to the correct location.  Well, as soon as I heard “free gift” and “hurry back before they were all gone” I knew if I had to hurdle the entire shelf of books and three toddlers in a stroller, that free gift was mine. I increased my walking pace from a lazy saunter to an “I couldn’t move faster if the aisle was lined in Hershey kisses” pace and was soon back at the correct location with about fifteen other people.

 

I quickly noticed a display with a large cutting board and bins of fruits and vegetables. I hoped I didn’t shout out “what a rip off!” if after all the effort I made to get there, I was only leaving with an onion or something.  Pretty soon, here comes a guy who launches into a spiel and starts talking about our free gift and opening this blue container and shutting it like he is getting ready to pass out a Cuisinart to each one of us and then finally hands us all a small cutting tool.  He starts showing us all the neat things it can do and never mind that I hate to cook and there is not a chance in hell, I will ever make a fruit salad housed in the middle of a hollowed out cantaloupe, I continued to listen and started to feel like I was holding the Hope Diamond in my hand.

 

Next up, was the Chef’s Envy and I realized that little free cutting tool was just a ploy to reel you in for the kill.  The salesman started cutting onions, tomatoes, cabbage, and carrots, into neat little pieces right before our eyes. It was obvious that the Chef’s Envy was a guillotine for fruit and vegetables and despite the fact, that I own a Cuisinart, a mini-chopper, a Pampered Chef chopper, and paring knives, I knew I needed to add this to my arsenal on the off chance that one day, someone in my family turned to me and said, “how about a salad tonight with small, meticulously pieces of a variety of vegetables thrown in for fun?’ and I didn’t respond back in my usual way, “Who do I look like to you? Martha Stewart?” and actually attempted to make the salad.

 

Watching this guy demonstrate the Chef’s Envy gave me the same feeling I get when I see an infomercial for any kind of cooking aid on TV. I am convinced if I buy this tool, I will start to like to cook and be able to make amazing dishes and soon earn a spot on The Chew demonstrating my best dishes, which to date usually involves hamburger and a can of Manwich. Unfortunately, this theory has not proved correct up to this point and a Magic Bullet, Cuisinart pie maker, Panini maker, Jack LaLanne Juicer, and various other unused kitchen items are sitting on my shelf gathering dust.  I am no quitter, though, and I am sure my new Chef’s Envy is going to make all the difference in the world and luckily, because I was in a state of euphoria at the demonstration, my son-in-law is getting one for Christmas too, along with the amazing caddy that prevents you from chopping off your own fingers when handling this amazing tool.  I knew my daughter would not appreciate a gift that landed her husband in the ER while trying to make Stir-Fry.

 

When I came in from shopping and showed my husband and daughter my early Christmas present to me and told them that some great salads were in their future, all my husband said was, “I will clear another area in the pantry.”   My daughter said, “Mom, the last salad you made me, you dumped lettuce from a bag into a bowl,” and I answered back, “that is precisely why I bought this little baby.” I could tell by the shakes of their head that they thought my purchase was a big mistake and that is precisely why I prefer to shop alone.  If one of them had been with me, I am sure they would have been saying stuff like….”you don’t cook….didn’t I take one of those to Goodwill a few months ago?….stop buying crap you never use,” as I handed over my credit card and who needs that when shopping.  If I wanted to hear that, I would listen to my Good Angel more.

Meanwhile, my neighbor just told me about the Yonanas Frozen Treat maker and I have been considering asking for a Food Dehydrator for Christmas so I can make all of Fudge and Vern’s treats.  I can see it all so clearly in my head. Wholesome treats for Fudge and Vern, pounds melting away because of all the great salads I make every night, and a frozen banana treat for dessert. Now, I just have to make a promise to myself to take the stuff out of the boxes.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Ha, somehow I bought enough salad croutons recently to feed an army division. You may be right about something in the air.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I may soon have to become a member of some wholesale club, in order to purchase JD's meats/poultry at a discounted price, but I have thus far managed to avoid them like the plague. those places are scary, and I am sure they spray something in the air that affects your brain.The last time I was in one, which was more than 20 years ago, I somehow purchased a package of 100 disposable lighters. I think I still have some of them.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Karen, BJs is another wholesale club like Costco or Sam's club.

[Julie, Izzie & Max]

Laurie,  I just love your blogs. After a very difficult week, I needed a good laugh.  I think your funny blogs are one of the best parts of doodlekisses.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Okay, now I have to ask...what is BJs? Never heard of it.

[Sharon & Monty]

Well it was BJ's!  How can anyone shop there and not impulse buy something that they absolutely had no intention of buying.  I was just there today.  DH has faint spells when we go, now I'm spending my paycheck not his, and I constantly remind him, I am not spending too much money, its BJ's, I'M SAVING MONEY!    His task is to be the cart boy. Right, like I can trust him to do that.... I know to remove my purse from the cart and carry the darn thing because he simply walks off leaving it there for the pick pocket. Or he disappears with the cart thinking that I wont keep picking things up... wrong again.  When we went to check out, I tried to  coax him to go get the car, but no, nosey noodle had to watch each item ring up while clutching his chest.  So if you managed to only buy one impulse item, I applaud you!

[Donna K & Quincy]

Laurie, I just love the pictures you paint. In my mind I can see you vaulting those strollers and book shelves, I think I can see a new Olympic event coming up, The Salespitch Sucker Run. There was a time when that would have been me, but no more. Too many gadgets that broke or came nowhere close to doing what they were supposed to. If you are looking for a way to get more fiber in your diet by using these gadgets it just might work, just throw away the gadget and eat the box it came in.

I was at Zellers yesterday when a saleman was doing his pitch for that wonderful gold look-a-like crap that you can buy by the mile and no one can really tell that's it's not real. I have to wonder how those shysters people can look at themselves in the mirror. The whole time I could hear him in the distance yelling that sales pitch I wanted to yell back "GET A REAL JOB". I restrained myself as I did not want to make a spectacle of myself in the middle of the Zellers store. I had almost done that once before when I was going through menopause and was having a rather intense power surge. I was actually stripping my clothes off as I was goiing out the door. Luckily for me and those around me, I managed to make it outside before I was completely naked.  

I'm sure you SIL will love his christmas gift. I have to admit that I do own a similar gadget that comes out of the cupboard for dusting once a year.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

I actually need to go now and make a salad....DDs and families coming for dinner.  I will open the bags of field greens, "roughly" chop a cucumber, throw the little box of cherry tomatoes in....and that's it.  There will be no precision slicing or dicing of anything.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

@ Karen and F....please stay far away from that mandolin slicer, my friends.  They are evil and dangerous gadgets. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

The words "mandolin slicer" are Verboten around me. My DD has one that lives on top of my refrigerator, because there is no room in the cupboards for it. And even if there were, I am afraid to touch it for fear of cutting myself.

Not that I'm clutzy or anything like that....