The Princess and the Pea!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My dogs need to be groomed.  They have an appointment next week and if I thought my groomer had a drop box I would have left them there last night.   I leave my car at the mechanic’s the night before an appointment with a note stating what needs to be done, so why can’t my groomer be as accommodating.  I have thought about tying them up outside her grooming salon so she finds them in the morning with a note around their necks that reads, “Mom says we can’t come home until we are clean.” The problem with this idea is my groomer has a very long driveway and a bunch of animals along the way.  Most of them are goats, but she has a goat-protecting dog and a goat-protecting llama, so it is hard to sneak up on her.  I am not sure why she has all the protection surrounding her goats as personally, I never felt that a goat would be anyone’s first choice for a pet-kidnapping ring.   “We have your goat.  Please leave $50,000 in a tin can wrapped in cardboard at this address.  We have been running low on tin cans and cardboard since we stole your goat.”  Between the long driveway and the loud, barking announcements Fudge and Vern make as we come down that driveway, there is absolutely no hope for a cloak and dagger drop off.

Fudge is the worst because she prides herself on her clean appearance and preens herself like a cat.  The closer it gets to the needed grooming time the more she preens and she likes to do most of her primping on our bed.  Nothing spoils a TV show like having a large, chocolate dog sitting at the end of the bed directly in front of the TV and pulling the most minuscule pieces of a leaf or something out of her hair.  This morning she curled up beside me and rocked the both of us as she dug around in her hair for what turned out to be a little teeny tiny sprig of something she collected in the yard.  It was sheer luck that I was able to find the microscopic nothing in all that hair and cast it aside so she could go back to sleep.  Or should I say, back to raising her paw in the air to direct me to continue rubbing her stomach until she nodded off to sleep.  Yes, I have no doubt Princess Fudge would feel that pea under the mattress.

Now, Prince Vern is another matter entirely.  I really don’t think he would feel a boulder under his mattress. 

He is happiest when he has half the yard hanging off his body.  He has come back into the house from outside, on several occasions, with a slug riding shotgun on his back.  The slugs probably use Vern like bus transportation for a quicker way to move around.  I can just hear them out in the yard, “You can catch the yellow bus, never the brown bus, over by the tree rolling most mornings at 8:00 am and ride him over to the end of the yard where he rolls to let you off.”  Vern likes to lie down smack in the middle of our sticker bush and we have already had to remove one of our bushes when it ended up having fewer stickers on it than Vern did. 

Somehow, the Vern imprint in the middle of it bothered my husband and he did not care that it was Vern’s home base when he was outside, so to speak.  The groomer is going to take one look at him at his appointment and either say, “I quit,” or “I think we need to discuss a payment plan because this is going to cost you a fortune.”

 

Just so you know, Vern has had three baths and Fudge has had one since their last grooming appointment, which has not been all that long ago.  I have also contemplated biting the bullet and buying one of the Les Poochs brushes I keep hearing so much about and I did think about asking for it for Christmas.  The only trouble is Santa knows my track record with not using things I think I just have to have for my dogs. I did open my food dehydrator and removed it from the box and I actually looked at the directions.  Unfortunately, even though I swore to John that our dogs would never eat another store bought treat, I have yet to make anything for them in the dehydrator.  John calls it my big dust collector.  What was I thinking?  I hate to cook and dehydrating something now seems an awful lot like cooking to me.  Any recipe longer than 4 ingredients that uses words like blanch and julienne confuses me and for all I know, they could be talking about The Golden Girls.  So, I guess, with all that in mind, I should just forget about grooming the dogs myself and investing in any more tools I will probably never use.  After all, one of my dogs is very good about letting me know when I need to make the next grooming appointment.  Just like the princess, she gets grumpy and can't sleep. Meanwhile, the other dog is needed out in the yard for slug transportation.

[Jean, Rylee and Cooper]

Love reading your blogs, they make me laugh and smile.  Rylee is always primping also and she also likes to make sure Cooper doesn't have anything on him!  

Thanks for giving us all a chuckle!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, I often think that about your two dogs. Rooney's expressions in his pictures always reminds me of Fudge.  They both look so serious and then we have the goofy brothers :) Your standards must be pretty low if you want to be an awesome doodle mom like Laurie...LOL!!

Kimmy, Thanks!  LOL about Chewie. I have caught both dogs chewing on their own debris :)

F, Thanks!  Yes, we did determine Julia Child is not my mother and I find it to be high praise indeed that you think Erma Bombeck is my very lucky mother :)

Linda, Thank you!! Will you promise to buy a copy? LOL

Karen, I am so glad I could cheer you up. If you like cleanliness, Vern is not your dog :) I hate slugs, too, but what are you going to do with a large dog who brings them in occasionally? I guess just laugh or you will go crazy.  Fudge is such a lady. but can be such an ornery stinker, too :)

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

Laurie - our two really are personality twins.  Rooney goes into meltdown mode if he get a tiny piece of pine straw or a dingleberry  hanging off his fur - Stuart could have a stick in his fur and he wouldn't even notice.  I'm laughing about your dehydrator - I remember when you got it and I was thinking "oooh I should maybe get one too so that I could be an awesome doodle mom like Laurie".  LOL  

[Kimmy & Chewie]

LOL. Funny blog again.

Chewie picks debris out of his fur too, but he tends to EAT them afterwards. Leaves, twigs, features...etc.

Even his own furballs (removed from slicker brush) is not safe..he'll eat them if he had the chance. 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Wonderful blog. But really Julia Child would blanch if she weren't already dead at the line about  blanch and julienne relating to the Golden Girls. I loved the line but your former secret Mom would be ashamed of you. Good thing I discovered it was really Erma Bombeck who was unlucky enough to be your mom.

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

Love this blog.  When are you going to start publishing these, Laurie!!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

You had me at "We have your goat", lol! 

Thanks, I needed this tonight!

Actually, this blog did make me rethink my plans to kidnap Vern, since there are very few living creatures I find more repugnant than slugs. If he is going to let them use him for transport, I think you should insist that he at least charges them bus fare; then he could help pay for his grooming.

As for Fudge, cleanliness is next to godliness, and it would be wonderful to have a dog who removed the yard debris from herself...before she brings it inside. Picking it off on your bed, not so much.

Although if it is a choice between having the slugs who missed their stop in your house, or having a few sprigs and leaves on your bed, the Princess wins.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Amy, You are a smartie pants :) LOL Yes, your way is definitely better!!

Bonnie, I admire you for even trying :) My back aches when I just bathe the dogs.  Luckily, I really do have a wonderful groomer with reasonable rates.

[Amy, Cubbie & Ollie]

you didn't have to say "pet-kidnapping" you could have just said "kid"napping since baby goats are called kids.  :)

 

[Bonnie and Kona]

I love you dainty Miss Fudge, but Vern in the pricker bush is hilarious. I struggle to understand why they obsess about some tiny fleck in their fur and can walk around for days with a giant sticker branch attached to a hind leg.  Kona's hair was so long I was wishing I could take him to a groomer. I spent much of the day brushing, shampooing and clipping him. I'm glad I bit the bullet and did it, but oh my aching back!