The Unwelcome Visitor!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

We have a snake on our property.  The first time we saw it I didn’t actually see it, but John asked me if I noticed it by the gate when I got home.  I had arrived home moments before he did and must have stepped right over it.  Usually, I am on high alert on hikes for snakes, but I didn’t think one would have the audacity to show up at our house.  My neighbor in Pennsylvania always told me that I didn’t have to worry about snakes because they shy away from yards with dogs.  My neighbor was certainly not a Herpetologist but anyone who tells me something that allows me to feel safe in my own yard is an expert in my opinion. My sister in law once told me that bats don’t come out after midnight and even though I was pretty sure they were nocturnal creatures, I was willing to believe she meant they didn’t come out after midnight and show up at my in-law’s house when I was staying there.  I believed it to be the God’s honest truth right up until she yelled, “There is a bat in the house!” and it was after midnight.

 

John knows how I feel about snakes, so the fact that he asked me if I had seen the snake when I was walking around our house like a normal person and not out firing our BB gun at the front gate and screaming, “I WANT TO MOVE!” should have been his first clue not to ask the question.  Why would you tell someone who is terrified of snakes that you just passed one out front of their house?  I am fine going through life with rose-colored glasses on and don’t like anyone who tries to make me take them off. But, it gets worse.  When I told our neighbor that we had a snake out front, she told me that they had one down by their dock, which means we are one step closer to these snakes taking over our neighborhood.  Her husband went on to say it was just a Michigan water snake. JUST? WHAT? A MICHIGAN WATER SNAKE? I didn’t know there was a Michigan water snake and had been told by John that our lake was not the kind of water snakes liked.  See, most of the time he knows what makes his life easier.

 

Our other neighbor helped us get our pontoon boat in the water and also took us on a tour of their lovely home.  When I told her we had a snake, she casually mentioned that it wouldn’t be the last one I see and went on to say we could borrow any of their paddleboards, but just make sure to make some noise in case a snake is lounging out by the boards.  And they all add that it is JUST a garter snake and they are non poisonous, like that makes it all right to encounter one.  Or our other neighbor said they are so good for the environment and take care of bugs and moles like I should embrace the next one I see and thank him for his service to our neighborhood.  I don’t care if the snake can cook meals for me and do my laundry, I will never get used to seeing one anywhere near me.  It is like we are starring in a movie called The Snakeford Wives and I am the only woman who hasn’t had the Kool-Aid.

 

To me, there is no such thing as JUST a garter snake.  The word just doesn’t belong in the same sentence as snake.  It’s like saying Ted Bundy was just a nice guy, right up until he killed someone.  And if you tell me the snake is more afraid of me than I am of the snake, I might hit you.  I have never once come across a snake that reared up and screamed, “IT’S A HUMAN!” as it slithered wildly away from me.  I get so scared when I see a snake that if my knees could touch they would be knocking loudly enough for a neighbor to hear.  Does a snake shake so much when it sees a human that it looks like it is standing on one of those vintage butt shaking vibrating belt machines? Does a snake run into its house and spend the next couple of hours reacting violently to any human stupid enough to brush up against me?  I dare John to try and get frisky in bed on the day I see a snake because I am likely to dislocate his hand while screaming, “There’s a snake in our bed!”   Of course, John likes to say he can’t help it if he is built like an Anaconda, which always makes me counter with,  “oh, I thought it was just a garter snake!”  Anyways, John’s witnessed all this enough times to know it ain’t pretty and one of the many reasons he usually does not ask if I saw the snake out by our gate.

 

We all have our thing. My daughter is petrified of spiders. They don’t bother me in the least.  John doesn’t like bees.  They don’t bother me in the least.  Anytime I chide my daughter about her response to a little spider, she counters back with, “Mom, it is the same thing you feel about snakes,” and I realize she is right.  I sometimes watch that show Naked and Afraid mainly because it is so beyond my comprehension that people want to get naked and then get dropped into some horrible place with a naked stranger. Why? The last one I saw some woman was petrified of snakes and was dropped into a place where they had some seriously big snakes. She was hoping it would help her get over her fear of snakes.  Yes, I think walking on top of a large, poisonous snake in my bare feet would cure me too, because I would be dead from either a snake bite or a heart attack.  If I was on that show, I would be naked and afraid the other guy would say, “I didn’t know we were allowed to bring canteens,” when I met him and I would have to say, “Those are my boobs.”

 

Maybe I am just mad I wasn’t smart enough to pitch that show to some executive since I have had my fair share of people being afraid when they saw me naked.  We recently had a case of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever in our county and I told John he was going to have to start examining me for ticks every night and he asked if he could phone a friend. And just the other day I was Skyping Archer and singing him that song about your ears hanging low and Megan and Doc started laughing and said, “Are you saying ears or your rear?  Mom, try it again substituting the word boobs for ears and we think you have a hit on your hands!” Aren’t they a couple of comedians?

Do Your Ears Hang Low?
Do They Wobble to and Fro?
Can You Tie Them in a Knot?
Can You Tie Them in a Bow?
Can You Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier?

Do Your Ears Hang Low?
Do Your Ears Hang High?
Do They Reach Up to the Sky?
Do The Droop When They're Wet?
Do They Stiffen When They're Dry?
Can You Semaphore Your Neighbor with a Mimimum of Labor?

Do Your Ears Hang High?
Do Your Ears Hang Wide?
Do They Flap From Side to Side?
Do They Wave in the Breeze?
From the Slightest Little Sneeze?
Can You Soar Above the Nation with a Feeling of Elation?

Do Your Ears Hang Wide?
Do Your Ears Fall Off?
When You Give a Great Big Cough?
Do They Lie There on the Ground?
Or Bounce Up at Every Sound?
Can You Stick Them in Your Pocket Just Like Little Davy Crockett?

Do Your Ears Fall Off?

All this doesn’t have much to do with our unwelcome visitor and thankfully, John relocated him the other day and told me not to ask any questions.  He had no choice since Fudge was slightly obsessed with the snake and by obsessed I mean, pacing in the house, pawing at the door, and digging under our fence.  I suspect she had an encounter with it on our deck one day since my mind clicked “SNAKE” when I called her to come inside and saw she was swatting at something.  Just like in a horror movie where the victim runs straight to the sound of the odd noise she heard, I moved towards Fudge but whatever it was had left.  I was glad it was gone because the only help I could give Fudge if the thing wrapped her in a head lock would be “It’s been nice knowing you!” as I ran inside and locked the door.  I can only pray Vern would join me and make it to the door before I locked it. 

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I think my 4-legged boys WOULD each like a snake of their own.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, ROTFL....you have to know by now that John can thrust :) I cannot believe Tim likes those movies. Yikes. 

Amy, Yikes...so far, I have not seen another one. Fingers crossed that we both don't see any more in our lifetime. Sheri, That is what I thought...Michigan would not have any snakes. We are both wrong :) Face to face...I would have a heart attack. Glad Mike took care of it for you!

Donna, John does not sing :) LOL I have never heard that song. I will have to now check it out. I am wondering if Gord sings it to you!!

Cheryl, A rattler....OMD! Keep going in your garage door. LOL I am going to continue to tell myself no snake is in our lake. I have always wanted to live by a lake and I just have to believe that to go in it :) 

[cheryl & oliver]

laurie, when my boys were young, they learned my rules, if it slithers crawls or flys it is not allowed in or around the house...I am terrified of snakes, bugs etc.  and it took me years to get comfortable living in florida, lol...I always look where I am walking at all times.  I do have to say in the 33 years of living here, I have only seen a snake twice, and I went screaming into the house and made Ira go and kill it before it got into our pool..the second time was about 6 mos. ago, I was having my front walk and driveway pavers cleaned, and the guy informed me that there was a pigmy rattler sunning itself on my front door walk...I freaked, told him to kill it and get rid of it, and no I didn't want to see it!!!...I never use my front door, I go into the house thru the garage after parking in the garage....I haven't looked out my front door in about a month...Oh I did have the guy check around the property to make sure that none of the snakes relatives were there too..He gave me the all clear, but I still never walk in the bushes, etc.  I know that there are gators in florida, but thank goodness, I have never seen one around here...I know people have told me that they are seen occasionaly on the golf course, but like I said I have never seen one, and hope not too...My kids were brought up knowing to stay away from ponds, lakes and canals, swim in pools only or maybe the ocean, I don't even trust the ocean, lol, but I can understand your fear, i share it with you...

[Donna K & Quincy]

I really am sorry about your reptile problems but your blog has created a whole different problem for me. I now have a picture in my head of John following you around singing the anaconda song.  "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun. It's really quite hilarious.

[Lucy & AnnaBelle's Mom]

I'm with you Laurie.  I came face to face with one (while on my knees trimming under the fence with scissors.  When Mike came home (only gone a few mins) I was in the house shaking.  I pointed to where it was and told him to kill it.  He did and got it all bagged up and was going to put it in the trash can outside and I said no way, you are taking that up to the Winn Dixie and putting it in their dumpster.  I hate them.  I wouldn't have thought Michigan would have any snakes ... too cold..

[Amy and Annabelle]

I also thought of Ned and Clancy when Nancy said she let each of her boys have a snake. I know she has those 2, I didn't know she has 2 sons. We actually had a snake yesterday in our yard right up by the patio. I live in the country and this is the first one I have seen in the 7 years we have been here. I think this blog was in preparation for me in finding it while watering my flowers. I did scream, drop the watering can and ran in the house and locked both locks on the door. Luckily Annabelle wasn't with me or she may have got herself a snake. She loves to try to mess with the little toads, but she knows better than to do it in front of mom. I told my husband the snake was huge. He went out to look for it, not really expecting a big snake because he knows me well. He said it was just a little garter snake that didn't even try to bite him when he picked it up. He took it all the way out to the end of our property and let it go. I wish he would have taken it to the next county, but I thought that might be asking too much. The people who live on the road behind us are in a different township, so if the snake slithers a little north it will at least be in the next township.

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Anaconda and Snakes On A Plane are two of Tim's favorite movies....he is only allowed to watch them in his room with the door closed.  I wouldn't sleep for weeks if I even caught a glimpse.  I wish I could "unread" the reference to John and Anaconda before I see him on the cruise.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Stella.

Nancy, At first I thought you meant you let each of your DOGS have a snake and then I figured it out. LOL John had a snake growing up and he said it got out a lot. Yuck. I would have to move :)

Karen, I will never post a picture of a snake, so you are safe. People who shop with snakes around their shoulders should be banned to their own island. How funny about that song. Boobs really does fit in place of ears the older I get. LOL

Amy, I would have moved, too! AND a baby snake crossing...OH MY...I would have been sick. It does seem like you could have written this blog. LOL  I pray Fudge never catches a snake or I will have to wash her mouth out with soap. Just kidding.....I think.

F, I am starting to worry that we think alike :) Say it ain't so about my sweet Luca, although I know those two don't let most critters that come in the yard leave happily :)

Ricki, I do see a rabbit around our property a lot....do you think Stewpid followed us here?? If he did, he is dumber than I thought. Today I heard John tell his brother he thinks the snake was a Blue Racer and not a garter snake....WTD....did he lie to me?? I think we both know Fudge would not come when I called if she caught a snake.....but then again, I would have the front door shut, so she probably couldn't hear me :)

[Stella]

Love the anaconda reference!!!!!

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

I am afraid of snakes also, but being a good mom, I let my boys each have one during their snake loving phase. Rules were keep the cover on the snake cage. Keep your door shut. Do not inform me if the snake gets out. If I see the snake in my house, we will be moving that very second and the snake's NOT coming!!!