The Unwelcome Visitor!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

We have a snake on our property.  The first time we saw it I didn’t actually see it, but John asked me if I noticed it by the gate when I got home.  I had arrived home moments before he did and must have stepped right over it.  Usually, I am on high alert on hikes for snakes, but I didn’t think one would have the audacity to show up at our house.  My neighbor in Pennsylvania always told me that I didn’t have to worry about snakes because they shy away from yards with dogs.  My neighbor was certainly not a Herpetologist but anyone who tells me something that allows me to feel safe in my own yard is an expert in my opinion. My sister in law once told me that bats don’t come out after midnight and even though I was pretty sure they were nocturnal creatures, I was willing to believe she meant they didn’t come out after midnight and show up at my in-law’s house when I was staying there.  I believed it to be the God’s honest truth right up until she yelled, “There is a bat in the house!” and it was after midnight.

 

John knows how I feel about snakes, so the fact that he asked me if I had seen the snake when I was walking around our house like a normal person and not out firing our BB gun at the front gate and screaming, “I WANT TO MOVE!” should have been his first clue not to ask the question.  Why would you tell someone who is terrified of snakes that you just passed one out front of their house?  I am fine going through life with rose-colored glasses on and don’t like anyone who tries to make me take them off. But, it gets worse.  When I told our neighbor that we had a snake out front, she told me that they had one down by their dock, which means we are one step closer to these snakes taking over our neighborhood.  Her husband went on to say it was just a Michigan water snake. JUST? WHAT? A MICHIGAN WATER SNAKE? I didn’t know there was a Michigan water snake and had been told by John that our lake was not the kind of water snakes liked.  See, most of the time he knows what makes his life easier.

 

Our other neighbor helped us get our pontoon boat in the water and also took us on a tour of their lovely home.  When I told her we had a snake, she casually mentioned that it wouldn’t be the last one I see and went on to say we could borrow any of their paddleboards, but just make sure to make some noise in case a snake is lounging out by the boards.  And they all add that it is JUST a garter snake and they are non poisonous, like that makes it all right to encounter one.  Or our other neighbor said they are so good for the environment and take care of bugs and moles like I should embrace the next one I see and thank him for his service to our neighborhood.  I don’t care if the snake can cook meals for me and do my laundry, I will never get used to seeing one anywhere near me.  It is like we are starring in a movie called The Snakeford Wives and I am the only woman who hasn’t had the Kool-Aid.

 

To me, there is no such thing as JUST a garter snake.  The word just doesn’t belong in the same sentence as snake.  It’s like saying Ted Bundy was just a nice guy, right up until he killed someone.  And if you tell me the snake is more afraid of me than I am of the snake, I might hit you.  I have never once come across a snake that reared up and screamed, “IT’S A HUMAN!” as it slithered wildly away from me.  I get so scared when I see a snake that if my knees could touch they would be knocking loudly enough for a neighbor to hear.  Does a snake shake so much when it sees a human that it looks like it is standing on one of those vintage butt shaking vibrating belt machines? Does a snake run into its house and spend the next couple of hours reacting violently to any human stupid enough to brush up against me?  I dare John to try and get frisky in bed on the day I see a snake because I am likely to dislocate his hand while screaming, “There’s a snake in our bed!”   Of course, John likes to say he can’t help it if he is built like an Anaconda, which always makes me counter with,  “oh, I thought it was just a garter snake!”  Anyways, John’s witnessed all this enough times to know it ain’t pretty and one of the many reasons he usually does not ask if I saw the snake out by our gate.

 

We all have our thing. My daughter is petrified of spiders. They don’t bother me in the least.  John doesn’t like bees.  They don’t bother me in the least.  Anytime I chide my daughter about her response to a little spider, she counters back with, “Mom, it is the same thing you feel about snakes,” and I realize she is right.  I sometimes watch that show Naked and Afraid mainly because it is so beyond my comprehension that people want to get naked and then get dropped into some horrible place with a naked stranger. Why? The last one I saw some woman was petrified of snakes and was dropped into a place where they had some seriously big snakes. She was hoping it would help her get over her fear of snakes.  Yes, I think walking on top of a large, poisonous snake in my bare feet would cure me too, because I would be dead from either a snake bite or a heart attack.  If I was on that show, I would be naked and afraid the other guy would say, “I didn’t know we were allowed to bring canteens,” when I met him and I would have to say, “Those are my boobs.”

 

Maybe I am just mad I wasn’t smart enough to pitch that show to some executive since I have had my fair share of people being afraid when they saw me naked.  We recently had a case of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever in our county and I told John he was going to have to start examining me for ticks every night and he asked if he could phone a friend. And just the other day I was Skyping Archer and singing him that song about your ears hanging low and Megan and Doc started laughing and said, “Are you saying ears or your rear?  Mom, try it again substituting the word boobs for ears and we think you have a hit on your hands!” Aren’t they a couple of comedians?

Do Your Ears Hang Low?
Do They Wobble to and Fro?
Can You Tie Them in a Knot?
Can You Tie Them in a Bow?
Can You Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier?

Do Your Ears Hang Low?
Do Your Ears Hang High?
Do They Reach Up to the Sky?
Do The Droop When They're Wet?
Do They Stiffen When They're Dry?
Can You Semaphore Your Neighbor with a Mimimum of Labor?

Do Your Ears Hang High?
Do Your Ears Hang Wide?
Do They Flap From Side to Side?
Do They Wave in the Breeze?
From the Slightest Little Sneeze?
Can You Soar Above the Nation with a Feeling of Elation?

Do Your Ears Hang Wide?
Do Your Ears Fall Off?
When You Give a Great Big Cough?
Do They Lie There on the Ground?
Or Bounce Up at Every Sound?
Can You Stick Them in Your Pocket Just Like Little Davy Crockett?

Do Your Ears Fall Off?

All this doesn’t have much to do with our unwelcome visitor and thankfully, John relocated him the other day and told me not to ask any questions.  He had no choice since Fudge was slightly obsessed with the snake and by obsessed I mean, pacing in the house, pawing at the door, and digging under our fence.  I suspect she had an encounter with it on our deck one day since my mind clicked “SNAKE” when I called her to come inside and saw she was swatting at something.  Just like in a horror movie where the victim runs straight to the sound of the odd noise she heard, I moved towards Fudge but whatever it was had left.  I was glad it was gone because the only help I could give Fudge if the thing wrapped her in a head lock would be “It’s been nice knowing you!” as I ran inside and locked the door.  I can only pray Vern would join me and make it to the door before I locked it. 

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I'm with you kid. In fact, I cautiously scrolled through this blog in my email preview just in case you had provided photos. I can't even look at a picture of a snake without getting the willies.I tried so hard not to pass this phobia on to my DD. Time and again, I would sit through that episode of Sesame Street where the featured letter of the alphabet was "S" with a big smile plastered on my face. Alas, all in vain. It seems Ophidiophobia is genetic. I once saw her fly out the door of a Petsmart, leaving my bewildered 2 year old grandson standing alone in an aisle where someone was shopping with his pet snake draped around his shoulders. I'm not sure she wouldn't have fled the same way even if I hadn't happened to be there.

I actually once did participate in a group rendition of that song in which we substituted the word "boobs" for "ears". Of course that was back in the 70s, before anything was drooping, wobbling, or hanging. :)

[Amy and Annabelle]

I could have written your blog, minus the humor. Which for me to find anything funny about a snake story must be good. I have lived in Michigan for 7 years and had no idea we had our own snake. I am deathly afraid of snakes. We sold a house we had for 20 years in Colorado because I refused to go in my backyard that was taken over by snakes. We would have them removed and they would come back. I had nightmares. Then my first hike in Michigan was interrupted by a baby snake crossing. I bet there were 100s of them. I even unknowingly stepped on a few before I realized. 

My daughter actually broke her hand screaming and throwing her hand back into a wall in fear when she saw a spider. She was in her 30's when she did that. Those don't bother me much except for the venomous ones.

My husband hates yellow jackets as he has been stung about 2 dozen times through out the years. One time landed him in the hospital because he was stung by so many it made him sick.

A couple of nights ago Annabelle took off after a baby raccoon running across the lawn. It stopped and hissed at her and she came running back to me with her ears flopping. It was kind of funny. My first thought was, at least it wasn't a snake hissing.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Loved the blog. Just this morning I was singing one f Megan's version of that song when I went to my drawer to get a clean bra, I swear. But I never knew all these additional verses. See it pays to keep getting older, you learn something everyday. Come pick us up, Calla and Luca would get any snake in a twinkling. So far this spring the only have a kill list of one adolescent woodchuck. Luca did once run around the yard with a snake in his mouth but I rescued it somewhat the worse for wear.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Oh no!! Where is Stewpid when you need him? That snake probably ate him!!! It sounds like Fudge is a good snake detector though, I suggest you keep her close to you at all times. :)  And good luck with THAT! LOL

Great blog Laurie,  thanks for the laughs!