Vern and his Diet!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Not too long ago Vern went to the vet and we found out his weight had skyrocketed to 108 pounds.  The vet was fine as long as he hovered around 100 pounds, but once she saw the 108, she declared that Vern needed to lose weight.  Unfortunately, this is a scene I am all too familiar with in my own life and I was determined to handle this with more grace and finesse than my mother.  Fat is the most heinous F word in the English language according to my mother and just the other day she was lamenting to me that we were all cursed with the fat gene.  The “we” lets me know that I am included in her thought process and a member of the fat group list she keeps in her head.  Well, no way was I going to tell Vern he was now a member of this club, so I explained to him on the ride home that the vet meant to use a different F word, fluffy, and he was just overly fluffy. I could tell by the way he wagged his tail that he thought fluffy was a fun word.

I'm Vern and I'm Fluffy!

Now, I will take some of the blame for Vern’s fluffiness, but I really feel like Fudge is almost 90% to blame for Vern’s heftiness.

It's Not my Fault!!  I'm innocent!

I will hear no arguments that I should be in charge.  I could leave food out all day and neither dog will touch it until dinnertime.  An opened bag of dog food would not entice them either and neither dog gobbles up their food when we finally put it down. They want to eat at dinnertime….period.  Fudge is one of those dogs that never gains weight and eats like a little bird and is not ruled by thoughts of getting enough to eat.  The problem is when I put their food down, Fudge won’t eat until the stars align, the kitchen is quiet, and a rather large fluffy dog has vacated the area.  She doesn’t guard her food or anything of that sort, she just prefers to be alone.  I feel the same way when I eat my morning oatmeal and I hate when other people are coming in and out of the kitchen and please, not one question until my oatmeal is finished.  While we are on this topic, I can one up Fudge, because I also like the TV to be on something I want to watch if I am in the kitchen and nothing irks me more than to be searching for a Modern Family rerun and hear some stupid show come on in the living room that I do not want to watch.  On Saturday mornings, it could be Norm’s voice from This Old House.  It makes no difference that time and time again I have said the only Norm I want to hear with a Boston accent is the one that parks himself on a bar stool on Cheers, no one seems to care. Don’t get me started on Sunday nights when he remembers 60 Minutes is on, or as I like to call it 59 Minutes Too Long, and the sound of that ticking clock fills the downstairs accompanied by my groans.

 

So, I definitely get that we all have our own hang ups when it comes to eating, but Fudge’s need for privacy and Vern’s tendency to keep track of what Fudge is doing and eating is not a great combination.  Many nights you will find me imploring Fudge to eat as she makes her familiar loop through the living room, dining room, and kitchen, trying to decide if everything is “as she likes it” or another loop is needed or if she should just return at a later time. We have all hurried up and eaten at one time or the other because the looping and pacing can drive you quite mad and is the equivalent of someone standing over top of you and screaming, “HURRY UP!” as you try and enjoy what you are eating.  I think it is a testament to my strong will that I am able to consume the number of calories I do.  Come to think of it, Fudge may be the reason I am overweight, because I am bound and determined to not let her push me out of my own kitchen.  I’ll show you who’s boss. I am going to have another cookie and take my time.   I think you can all see my point and see now why I blame Fudge for anyone being overweight in our household.

Guilty as charged! I'll eat later.....right after my nap!  Being skinny is hard work!

Well, since the vet’s recommendation, I have cut Vern’s food down considerably, measured every morsel, done a much better job of watching who gets what, and put all food up at night.  Imagine my surprise when having done all this, Vern’s next vet checkup found him one pound HEAVIER!  So, back to the drawing board, and I went out and got Fromm’s Weight Management food, cut it back a tad more, and anxiously took Vern in for another appointment and Vern had gained another pound. Oh, and guess which skinny dog preferred the lower calorie food....not Vern. Vern turned up his nose at it for a couple of days, much like I do when someone puts a piece of grilled fish and broccoli on my plate and says, "eat it and like it."

Don't judge me, people!

Back to Vern's unexpected weight gain, when this happens to me at the Doctor’s office, I can blame my shoes (no comment) or the heavy clothes I am wearing, and I have the liberty of saying to the person weighing me, “deduct 10 pounds right now for clothes and shoes, or I strip naked and have you re-weigh me in my birthday suit.”  Unfortunately, Vern doesn’t have that option, since he is already au naturel when he gets weighed. Keep in mind we walk in ALL weather and have continued to do so even with this hard winter.  The vet does not think it is his thyroid because he does not meet the other symptoms and in fact, when she asked if he was lethargic, I said, “we wish!” Vern is the busiest dog I know and is not a couch potato by any definition of the word.  The vet was not too upset and said she did not want Vern to lose the weight too quickly and I told her that based on that criteria, it was pretty safe to say Vern was not going to have that problem and seemed to be on the right path.  Of course, my mom said Vern has that dreaded fat gene that she feels runs in our family and seemed able to ignore the fact that Vern is not a blood relative. 

 

Oh, and in case you are wondering, green beans are not the answer for Vern’s diet.  He hates them.  The dog that will eat grass, mud, sticks, Kleenex, and goose poop, draws the line at green beans.  Go figure!  As of now, I am not willing to cut his food down anymore and we have tried to increase his exercise.  If anyone knows of a good DVD workout for dogs, please let me know.  We tried the Pussycat Dolls DVD, but once Vern found out it wasn’t real cats, he lost interest.  All the Golden Retrievers in Sweatin’ with the Goldies just made him stare at the TV and bark.  My friend came over yesterday and hadn’t seen the dogs in quite some time and immediately said that Vern was three times the size of Fudge.  I guess her comment brought back the time one of the residents at the Assisted Living Place where I volunteered said that two of her made one of me and I asked if I was allowed to slap an old person, which made her laugh all the harder.  I told my friend that we were against the F word in our house and when she got a puzzled look on her face, I explained I meant F-A-T.  She said she was happy I clarified since she originally thought this was another example from me of do as I say and not as I do.

 

 

Hopefully, Spring will be here soon and with that, more exercise for Vern.  I have not ruled out the treadmill and already explained to John if I have to increase our daily walks from two to three, I won’t have time to cook dinner.  All he said was he knew somehow that was coming.

My mom told me girls like fluffy!

[Gem's Jewel]

You should so write children's books!! Think how smart all the kids would be because all the adults would take the time to read your books to them! Now on to the "F" word - that would be floor in our house, not used much but very serious when used. Vern is perfect just the way he is, Jewel is very attracted to him and wants him to know he is not fat. He does need to remember to be tan & tanky rather than pale & pudgy though :) We salute you Vern! Fudge can not be faulted for being finicky - poor thing will never get to be fluffy!

[Traz, Karen & Dale]

Here's another "F" words for Vern ~ Be with you, The Force, my fluffy friend as you take this journey...From Traz, the Yoda Master :-)

[Traz, Karen & Dale]

Oh my goodness, thank you for my morning laugh, Laurie!  I like fluffy, sweet Vern, but you better listen to your Mom and eat all your vegetables.  Mom knows best and she is doing all of this because she loves you :-)  

[Cathy, Fozzie & Shaggy]

Ricki, that's great!! 

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Vern's exercise program:

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Cathy, Vern thanks you :) He definitely is a lovable, fluffy dog! He is glad to see he is in good company. Thank you!!

[Cathy, Fozzie & Shaggy]

Vern, we do love fluff....fluffy cotton candy, fluffy bunnies, fluffy pillows, fluffy popcorn, fluffy pajamas, fluffy clouds, fluffy kittens, fluffy pancakes, fluffy mashed potatoes, fluffy scrambled eggs, fluffy snow (well maybe not that one), but there are many great fluffy things we love, and you are one of them!!

By the way, Fozzie and Shaggy were also called fluffy by their vet AND groomer last week...they feel your pain. Stay strong and keep up your strength!! ;-)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jeanne, I think swimming will really help Vern. We just need the weather to start cooperating. Thank you!!

[Jeanne, Tura and Dolly]

Poor Vern. Lots of us can sympathize with you, buddy. Maybe when the weather gets warmer, he can swim a little? That's bound to help.  He looks great to me btw and I hope he lives a long healthy life.  I like Jane's idea of standing on the scale backwards!  I'll have to do that next visit to the doctor.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Jane, LOL...I was just looking at shaggy Vern and saying he needs a huge shave down. Hopefully, that helps. I close my eyes when I get on the scale at the Doctor's office.

Thanks, Lori!

Dee, LOL...I think I would get along nicely with your parrot :) Thank you!

Julie, Vern would like to think this is all hair weight :) I am not so sure. LOL Thank you!