FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT
DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator
door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The
dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because I
fall faster than
you can run.
I
cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure
your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other,
stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there
is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under
the edge in an
attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -
canine/feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
One more thing, staring at me while I
eat to try to direct my mind to
give you my
food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go
stare at the kids. They are younger and more
susceptible to mind
control... If you don't
believe me, notice how they all dress alike so
they can
be individuals.
Finally, in fairness, dear
pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:
>>> TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
>>>
>>> (1) They live here. You don't.
>>> (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the
>>> furniture. That's why they call it
'fur'-niture.
>>> (3) I like my pets a lot
better than I like most people.
>>> (4) To you,
they are
animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
>>> who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak
clearly.
>>>
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> >>> (1) eat less,
> >>> (2)
don't ask for money all the time,
> >>> (3) are
easier to train,
> >>> (4) normally come when
called,
> >>> (5) never ask to drive the car,
>
>>> (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
>
>>> (7) don't smoke or drink,
> >>> (8)
don't want to wear your clothes,
>
>>> (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
>
>>> (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
>
>>> (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their
children!!!
> >>>
>