DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER

[Pam and Ginger Snap]

Hi All,

I have been on this site for a year and a half. I have gotten some great advise and made some nice friends.  I have gotten great grooming tips, food advice, lots of laughs and a few tears.  However, I have noticed recently when people ask questions, there is a tendency to be a little forceful with answers.  A lot of people are asking  questions or looking for solutions for real problems....aggressive dogs, food issues, re-homing issues...and instead of lending a sympathetic ear and helpful advice, there seems to be some quick responses with judging comments.  Often times I feel sorry for the person asking the question, and some of the answers are mean-spirited.  Some are very helpful.

Sometimes people don't see previous posts.  When someone re-posts something, or asks a question, again...the poster is not doing it to be a pain...maybe they just didn't see the original post.

I like this site. I like knowing peoples stories, and their pups.

I hope that this post can make people think twice before they post an answer to a post, where the poster is seeking advice.  The advice might be something that the poster does not like, but it can be stated in a kinder way.

For example, I am really nervous that people are going to react harshly to this post.

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

I would really have to put my big girl panties on before I posted a question here.  I too, think some of the responses are harsh.  They may be true, but sometimes they are kind of like being hit with a baseball bat.  Doing a Google search would be less painful.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

First, please don't be nervous and don't think that anything anyone says to you is going to be harsh.

I think that "harsh" is open to interpetation. Everyone has a different way of speaking. There are thousands of people here from all different kinds of backgrounds. Some people are direct. Some people may have had experiences with an issue that touches a nerve for them. I also think that when you post anything in a large public forum, you have to be a little bit thick skinned and not too quick to be defensive. It is possible to see insult in anything, if you look for it. I have yet to see a truly nasty or "harsh" response to a reasonably worded request for help. The fact is that nobody here responds to any post with an intention to be mean or judgmental. Any advice is truly meant to be helpful. If everyone would keep that in mind, they might be less easily offended. The benefit of the doubt goes both ways. I think that just as responents should think about how they word a response, posters need to think twice about the way they word their questions.

I belong to several forums where there are lots and lots of rules, and if you post without following the rules, you are openly called out. That's harsh. But it does surprise me how few people read anything here at all before jumping right in and posting, even the website guidelines and rules. When I am new to a place, whether it's an actual physical place like a gym, or a virtual place like DK, I take a look around, get a feel for the place and the people, read the rules, figure out how things work, and try to familiarize myself before openly participating. I would think that was pretty common. Yet, when I see the posts each day, I feel that I am in the minority on that.

Some of us here put hours and hours of our time each week into providing information on some of the issues that commonly come up. It gets really frustrating when nobody reads any of it or even makes an attempt to locate it. Yet often the question is about a health issue with which I have a lot of knowledge and exeprience, and I want to help the person and the dog. I don't want to just ignore them. To me, that would be mean-spirited and rude. Typing out the same long complicated answers to the the same questions 20 times a day is extremely time-consuming and difficult, especially when you have arthritis and don't know how to type, lol.  So sometimes a response like "We have lots of information here about this, do a search" etc.  is necessary. Someone looking at that who doesn't know what I just explained might think that's harsh, but now that you see the reason behind it, hopefully your sympathy might extend to the responder and not just to the person who asked the question.

There are some hot-button issues that are going to cause heated discussions regardless of how the question is worded. That's true in every social forum and every walk of life. But even there, making strong comments against an issue is not the sdame as making strong comments against a person. I disagree with people I love all the time, and sometimes the discussions get heated. But I never say "You are a terrible person for liking "such-and-so". I might say "Such and so is terrible, ", but that's not an attack on the person. There's a big difference.

Some might say, "Well, just to be nice, why can't you say "Such and so isn't so bad, it might be alright." Here's the reason: if you don't speak out strongly against something that is very serious issue to you, you seem to be condoning it. And there are some issues, like puppy mills, that some of us just cannot condone.

But I truly believe that nobody here ever has anything but the best intentions when they respond to a question.

I hope this makes you feel a little bit better about this subject.

 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Of course you are right too. I too have problems typing a lot and I get frustrated that people don't search as you know. I didn't post anything on DK for months after I joined and now I am sure some people wish I would stop : ) But sometimes people who don't know us may be put off by forcefulness or by, in my case, terse answers.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

So if people would just try not to read more into an answer than the words that are there on the screen, ("What does she mean by that? Is this person trying to insult me? That seems rude, "etc. ) that would help a lot, lol.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Karen, even though I have been a member for a long time, I have tons and tons of trouble finding previous discussions.  I assume that I just don't know how to do it correctly, but if I have trouble, then I figure lots of others do also, so I always give them the benefit of the doubt.  I love the way so many of you seem to have the prior discussion links at the click of your mouse - to me it is just magical the way you do it!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

So you would start a discussion "I know there's a discussion here about ____, but I can't seem to find it. I have trouble doing searches" and everyone will be happy to help you. Nobody will say "Do a search" because you've already said you tried and couldn't.

It really is how it's said, on both sides. There are people who seem to want others to wait on them. That's going to rub anyone the wrong way. I have honestly had people send me a friend request so they could PM me and ask me to reproduce tons of FG information and send it to them in a PM because "I don't have time to look for it." But I do?  

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Well you don't have the time, but you certainly have the knowledge at the tip of your tongue!  Mostly we hope you will just tell us the answer and "make it all better."

[F, Calla & Luca]

I would politely decline. That is really not fair at all. Maybe you should start to charge for food advice consults : )

[F, Calla & Luca]

One of the things I try to do but it doesn't always work is think of an unusual word or phrase from whatever I am look for in the hopes it will make my search easier.

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have to agree with you, honestly it's why I don't spend as much time on here as I used to.  It was nothing related to anything I posted or questioned but it seems there is a lack of empathy to difficult situations sometimes.  I give you kudo's for speaking your mind!

[BG and Gavin]

I respect your post Pam.  One of the reasons I really respect it is because you have been around for a while and contribute regularly to this site.  To be honest, sometimes I hold back on giving indepth opinions/advice to a brand new/infrequent poster who appears with a significant issue.  The reason why is, more times than not, they hop on the site in a moment of crisis, do not take time to introduce themselves, or do a search or any back reading of issues discussed and are looking for an instant fix to their problem.  Call me selfish, but I sometimes feel burned when I have put alot of thought and time into giving a meaningful response and then the next day they are gone.  I think a good forum needs to have people who share and encourage each other.  Those people who received help should stick around and pay it forward.  This isn't Yahoo Answers.  Just my opinion.  Thanks for posting Pam.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Great points, Linda!