Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[F, Calla & Luca]

What interesting things we learn about the rest of our lives incidentally :-) 

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Oh I will be using these, probably here! LOL

'you're losing the run of yourself'

'cop onto yourself'

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Like...

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

and I

[Jane, Rooney & Stuart]

I belong to two other forums - a cruise forum and a boating forum - all with incredible diversity and they can get pretty harsh at times, much more so than here, but I have learned so much from being a part of them.   I can chose not to belong or contribute if it bothers me.  I'm sure that there is a Disney forum somewhere that is all about warm fuzzies and good times, sadly in the animal world it isn't always that way.   

As former farm girl we would load up the manure spreader - a machine that is driven across fields while the manure is sprayed out - organic fertilizer, not a fun job on a WINDY day.  If people chose to come on here spreading bull shi bull manure - they shouldn't be shocked when it blows back in their face.  And I'm saying that with tons of empathy ;)  

[Lisa, Daisy & Dexter]

Knowing that when I joined DK I would be writing and receiving words to and from people I didn't know what I liked about this forum is I could browse around a while, get my feet wet, figure out some personalities.

It took me over a month before I made any sound, basically I was a Lurker.

My first questions or comments were thought out and careful, there were a few (you know who you are LOL) that frankly scared the pants off of me and I did not want to be on their bad side.

That being said, I did take some hits but by then I understood they were made in the best intent and I truly already liked and respected the person who might have answered.

I get what you are trying to say Denise but I never felt I was being judged...if we were responding to children then yes, more care should be taken but we are all adults.

Oh and I can be mean but I save those feelings for Private Messaging with those I know understand my heart.

[F, Calla & Luca]

I lurked for weeks myself since this is the only place I have ever really been involved with on the web. That is lucky since sometimes I eat and sleep etc. I have had some heated exchanges on very rare occasions when I felt I was unfairly criticized, disrespected or misunderstood. On those occasions I made my feelings known and clarified the issues and I have had no further problems. I fell that as adults , just like doodles, we need to work things out if there is some disagreement. In some instances we may need to ignore a discussion or person. Need I say more?

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

Nope, well said.

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

Something I find myself repeating to my children over and over again..."Just because someone doesn't agree with your opinion doesn't make them wrong, it makes them different." 

 

May I add one word to your list?

 

tolerance - noun

a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

....of course if you ask for my HONEST opinion I'm going to give it to you whether you like it or not.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

Marnie this reflects well what I have been thinking about this topic.  We are all "programmed" in a way by the things you mentioned-our race, religion, nationality, family structure and other things that occurred in our younger years. This all factors into our perception of the world and explains why you might read a post and think it is good, helpful information while I may read the same post and think it is offensive and judgmental.

Sometimes these same things also preclude us from being able  to "put ourselves into someone else's shoes" regardless of our desire to do so.

This "programmed" preconception of our reality is always going to be part of the equation in almost any human interaction and is IMHO a big contributor to the misunderstandings here on DK.

[Marnie, Stanlee's Mom]

Agreed Ricki.