Life Lesson: It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it....

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I have not spent as much time on DK as I used to.  I do read posts often but I do not comment and I do not post many discussions or blogs at all.  I find that to often I feel very bad for people that are reaching out for help, have questions, are in general uninformed about certain topics, or have had to make decisions that they probably wish they did not have to make. 

 

I feel bad for them because without fail it seems there are members just waiting for people to say something they can criticise or judge.  Even when people are pleading not to be judged some just cannot resist being condescending and judgemental.  I find humor when people defend their mean-spiritedness stating that this is a group with open discussions and people are entitled to their OPINIONS.  I never realized that to be an opinion you had to be judgemental and critical.

 

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows o...

 

Here are a few definitions I had given to my 13-year-old daughter last school year when she seemed confused about how to react to certain comments made by her school peers.

 

question  - noun

1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.

3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually followed by of ): It was simply a question of time.

4. a subject of dispute or controversy.

5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

 

statement   - noun

1. The act of stating or declaring.

2. Something stated; a declaration.

 

opinion  - noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

 

judgement - noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

 

judgemental  -  adj

1. of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

criticism  - noun

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

  

compassion - noun

1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

empathy  - noun

1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

respect -  verb   

1. to hold in esteem or honor:

2. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

4. to relate or have reference to.

 

 

 

Giving criticism tests your communication skills. If you do it right, you can change it from a stinging, negative message to a positive, motivating experience for every member that reads it.

You may be frustrated, angry, annoyed, peeved, apoplectic or slightly uncomfortable. But if you approach criticism with a temper or an angry demeanour, you are less likely to think straight and may say or do something you wish you hadn’t, or others to feel embarassment for you disregard for people being humans and not perfect.

Stop and ask yourself…why do I need to criticise someone else? Simple question, not so simple answer.

 

Because they have failed, botched, screwed-up, or not performed to the level I expected, I have to let them know how I feel about it. 

Really?  Someone asking for help, asking questions, being uninformed, making a decision you necessarily don't agree with or someone just making a statement, you have to let them know about it by being critical and sometimes downright rude and mean?  God help anyone with a low self-esteem.

Here are a few quotes I thought about while going through posts today..............

• Judging others is a dangerous thing, not because you may make a mistake about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself.
• We may ask for information, but we are usually only interested in what confirms our opinions.
• A narrow mind and an open mouth usually go together.
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
• Never judge a man's actions without knowing his motives.

 

There are many, many, many members on DK that are awesome! Whether I agree with all of their opinions or not they handle themselves with finesse.  At the end of the day doesn't everyone want to feel good about themselves and how they have treated others?  As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".

 

 

[Pat and Traveler]

Indeed, F.  There is a difference between 'that's a bad idea' and 'you're a horrible person.'

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Except that many of the people who feel they are being attacked when someone disagrees with them think that if someone says"That's a bad idea" it's the same as someone saying "You're a horrible person."

This of course relates to self-esteem issues, and unfortunately, we only have one psychiatrist here.

[Pat and Traveler]

Well then, a pox be upon them--which I mean in only the most supportive and helpful manner...

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

What I love most about DK is that no matter how serious, sad, or heated a discussion may get, I can always count on at least one of my friends to make me laugh.

[Ricki and Tara (doodle)]

LOL Pat!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

As my mother ALWAYS said "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it".  

Here is the thing about that statement....I think when you are writing a comment no one hears your tone and it is far easier to interpret the statement in a manner other than what it was intended to say. I find myself writing more LOL's than I ever do in any other forum, just so people who do not know me and can not hear the humor in my voice, know that I am kidding. I love DK because of the passionate, opinionated and smart people on this site and I think if most people stuck around long enough or took the time to get to know members they would realize that at the core of most of the most passionate responses is a true love of dogs.

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

Laurie, I try to do the same thing and put lots of :-) :-)   :-( :-(  LOL LOL when I type to.  It is hard to gage someone's tone.  I do realize that the people do care, however I feel like recently it has gotten to a point where you anticipate someone being mean-spirited when some poor unsuspecting person asks a question or makes a comment without choosing their words very carefully.  

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Isn't the whole point of this discussion that people should be choosing their words more carefully? Does that only apply to the respondents?

[Denise & Hunter!!!]

I totally agree Karen!  I meant it as an "overall".  There are many people that just don't like the answers they are given and that's not what it's about.  I am just not a believer that you don't have to be judgmental or critical in a mean-spirited sense to get your point across.  Sure some subjects are more sensitive than others and a response like that might be warranted.  I love the Doodle Debate Club, there is nothing more than a good debate in my opinion.  Do I expect everyone to agree? Heck no!  That's the interesting part of it.  Everyone has something of value to contribute (well most of the time) but I think that is lost way to often when people instantly judge.  

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I guess I am not just seeing this "judging" or mean-spiritedness. I see a lot of people going out of their way and trying very hard to help other people and to help dogs the best way they know how. I never see a post where seems to me that someone has said something just to be mean or hurtful. I never think to myself, "My, that was judgmental!"

There are things that a few individuals have said or done, regarding their dogs, that have outraged a lot of people, and rightly so.  But even in those cases, I think what is expressed is just that, outrage, born of heartache for the dog, and not a desire to be mean-spirited or critical. The people making the comments that others may find "judgmental" are the ones who are the most deeply hurt by what is being said.  

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

"...There are things that a few individuals have said or done, regarding their dogs, that have outraged a lot of people, and rightly so.  But even in those cases, I think what is expressed is just that, outrage, born of heartache for the dog, and not a desire to be mean-spirited or critical. The people making the comments that others may find "judgmental" are the ones who are the most deeply hurt by what is being said."

This week~ I was totally crushed

And I didn't say a damn thing in those posts but what I wanted to say....

Here is a flyer ( read below)....get some freakin help

AMEN (font)

[Becka]

"outrage born of heartache for the dog" is a very thoughtful and very clear way of putting it, Karen. Thank you. It is something to bear in mind.