UPDATE: Objective Advice: loosing a dog and loving again

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

A friend, Carly ( not her real name), wrote me today and asked how to get over the sudden loss of her young adult dog.  Her dog was just about the perfect age, just like Spud. Finally trained, easy to manage, lots of time to go out and enjoy and reap all the benefits of having a young healthy FUN dog and  past the trying times of puppyhood.  What happened was Tragic and very sudden illness, that took her dog within hours of becoming ill.   There was nothing that could be done. although she thought, " What if she had done.... etc?"   She has so much guilt!   Still.

She lives alone and this was her family.  This was who she looked forward to coming home to everyday.

She has moved on after many months of grieving and it was time to start a new relationship with another dog. She did her research and finally, got a new puppy, Vinnie.  Vinnie is an adorable puppy and I'm thinking about 5 months old now.

The problem is, she cant stop mourning the sudden loss of her dog that was taken so quickly from her.

Hi Joanne, 

A few months ago when I lost my Boxer you sent me a link to your letters to your dog Starlit after she died.  I re-read them today and I'm all sad and sappy

I guess I read them because I've been thinking about Bunker a lot the last week or two.  I think about him every day, most of the day, but I've been replaying the last day I had with him over and over again.  How do you make it stop?  I can't make the guilt stop, I'm still so sad.  I really miss him.  I have my new puppy Vinnie, and I'm learning to love him, but it's just not the same.  I found myself being mad at Vinnie because Bunker isn't here.  It's not his fault, and he needs someone to love him too.  I don't want to feel that way but I do.  I thought I'd feel better as time has passed.  To a slight extent I suppose I have, but I find myself petting Vinnie and staring at a picture of Bunker and crying.  How did you move past the sadness?  I'd appreciate any pointers you have to share.

Thanks, Carly

So my DK Friends~!  Let's HELP this girl.  Here are my thoughts.  Starlit was not an easy dog in the first place. She had severe Fears and a lot of physical illnesses, which took up most of my day to make sure I met her needs.  I was extremely protective of her.  We did make a good pair!  I have though, every excuse in the book as to why my situation happened.  She really had just about every odd against her brittle life.  I feel the extreme guilt, and often I just can't talk about her or look at her pictures.  I've moved on 'okay' because I may have not been as surprised.  I mourned this dog even when she was alive.  Everyday, she was a sad case so mourning was on going.

If this would happen right now with Spud I would feel so cheated!  So robbed. So sad.  So guilty.  Again, with Starlit, I  always knew things were never going to be perfect, so I mourned her loss but acceptance came.... easier (?) I suppose.

With Carly, I'm thinking she may be just OVERWHELMED with all the things new puppies bring.  It is all GIVE and no take.   Potty training, chewing, constant attention, no sleep.  A new owner now has to start all over with the responsibilities of socialization, crating, jumping, biting.... we all it is a lot of work.

The cuddle time that comes with a well-adjusted dog is zilch! Hiking, boating, traveling, is not an easy or enjoyable, or even possible.

There truly is nothing in life than having an adult dog who is your BEST companion, reliable, all-day long, FRIEND.   Bonds are formed this way, but we really don't see or even know they are happening  with all that work :)

I mentioned to her to go back to training.  Even if she had trained a dog before, structure training forms bonds between the handler and the dog.  Go on then, to advanced training.   Go all out! 

What advice do you have?  We have all, I think, been through this one time or another.  Heck, even with my second son, I had trouble bonding. It was all work and no play. No reading bed-time stories, no one-on-one time.

Let's help this dog-loving woman move on.  So much guilt this poor woman has even when she is so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy new puppy

update: I clearly have the wrong idea above,  as to why she feels this way.  It has not too much to do with being busy with a new demanding puppy and everything to do with loss of her best friend.

UPDATE:

I want to thank each an everyone of you for coming forward, relating your experiences, and giving all of yourself, not only to Carly, but to us all.  I LOVE YOU.  I Really Do.  Thank You! 

Carly wrote me a long letter today.   ..... she says......" I don't know how to thank you properly for all of this.  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, someone had an emergency at work.  I was stunned with all of the wonderful responses and suggestions when I logged on today.  I think I can take away something from just about every comment that was posted.

She has read each and every comment. Knowing her, I think she will go back and re-read and re-read them many times again. 

She had some fantastic ideas going forward and she will keep in touch.

I have also been gone from the computer and I hope to update again.

But I truly wanted to tell you, I'll save this one in the books, forever.  Thank you.  You helped more members than you ever realized  

[Camilla and Darwin]

I don't have any advice to share, as Darwin is my first dog as an adult, and that is truly my dog. I do fear the day when I will have to say goodbye to Darwin, but I haven't faced very much loss in my life so I don't think I will be able to truly comprehend the pain until it happens. All I can do is enjoy every single day with him as much as I possibly can.

Reading all of the responses of support and sharing here has been touching, and I admire everyone for sharing in order to help and reach out to this woman. Joanne, I hope you will tell her that we are all sorry for her loss and wish the best for her and Vinnie. 

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Oh yes, we definitely need a group hug. 

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

"Guilt and anger and gut wrenching pain are part of it all. She needs time. She needs to come to that final decision to move forward on her own-not when society says it's appropriate. Time heals even the deepest of wounds in the heart. Mine has a deep scar, but it is healed over. Her's will as well in it's own time". 

Sandy, thank you.  I had no idea and I certainly appreciate you putting it out here! 

I really never knew this group of DoodleKisses at all and I thought I did

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Sandy, thanks for sharing this deeply personal story.  You will know if you read my comments earlier that I also lost a son and so I do know a little of what you went through. Each of us grieves in  our own way and there is no right or wrong. You did walk through it and got to the other side and that is such a wonderful analogy of what must be done. I think ultimately we have a choice, to get on with our lives as best we can or the unthinkable other possibilities. Life is unfair that's for sure. I did not realize before Jordan died that grief hurts physically. One day I could not even walk as every bone in my body hurt. My aunt always says that if we all had a crystal ball when we were young and could see into the future we would not be able to go on. That's true for me as I expect it is for you too.

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

Sandy, thanks so much for sharing your personal story. 

[Christine & Camus]

Sandy,  I am so sorry for your loss, but it is good to know your scar has at least healed over. 

[Cheryl and Finnegan]

Oh Sandy, I had no idea.  A friend lost her only son ... in much the same way.  The grief was profound. I didn't know how one goes on after such a loss.  The family created a foundation and the foundation created an annual run to help raise money for families affected by the same tragedy.  That was 6 years ago.  Today that run takes place in 30 countries around the world.  It's called the 911 Heroes Run.  It honors Travis and everyone lost, including your son.  It took his mom a long time to walk through that dark place, but when she emerged, she rebloomed too.  ((hugs))

[F, Calla & Luca]

I remember your story from a past DK story Sandy but now I know more about it. I think having news people descend upon you was not right but that's just how I would feel. I am so glad you have gone on and found things to make your life meaningful and even joyful despite the scar in your heart.

[Nicky, Riley & Boris]

Big GROUP HUG to you all.

[Allyson, Peri & Taquito]

Amen. Thanks to everyone for sharing. And I couldn't agree more about the crystal ball.  I would like to think the good times end up outweighing the bad times though.

[Carol and Banjo]

Oh my gosh......absolutely!   ((((HUGS)))))       I'm so grateful for this warm, loving community!

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

Carly,

My heart hurt so bad, I actually knew what a broken heart felt like, as the phrase goes.  It was hard to catch my breath even.  I had physical symptoms because of the grief.  Sometimes, there was  tree on my chest.

Hug that puppy.  Dog's do feel, what we feel. That has been studied over and over.  I think, this puppy, was sent to mourn with you, as Jane said,  but also to carry you through with LOVE.   Vinnie is there for a reason and will be with you through many more good times and bad.  I think though, that it would be good if you showed him, you can and will get better. I have a feeling this puppy is trying really hard to carry you through this too.  Show him it is okay that you are still sad, but let him know, he was sent for good reason!