Mindset: Feeling Sorry for the "Poor" Sick Dog

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I know that when this group first started, one of the inspirations for it was the "mindset" that some of us shared in regard to feeling sorry for our dogs who were rescues, and/or had issues, both physical and behavioral. This feeling sorry for them has led some of us to give them too much unearned attention or affection, kept us from having high expectations in regard to their training and behavior, and/or led us to make excuses for certain behaviors instead of working to correct them. Basically, some of us were letting our dogs get away with murder, lol. 

Last summer, I decided to stop doing that. I started working harder with JD to correct his reactivity, demanding more of him on-leash, and that led to us taking and passing the CGC test. We were making good progress in all areas, and had started working on off-leash reliability.

Then he got sick.

I have felt sorry for JD since I adopted him. First there were terrible fear issues. It takes a very hard heart to not feel sorry for a dog who is so terrified of everything outdoors that he can't even walk or move.

Over time, we worked through the fear issues. Then, he was diagnosed with Atopy. He has really suffered and gone through a lot with all the testing, meds, shots, baths, poking, prodding, etc. The fact that he is such a stoic and such a good sport about everything made it even easier to excuse his reactive behaviors on-leash and to relax basic expectations, like always sitting for a treat, sit-and-stay when the doorbell rings, etc.

As mentioned above, we got serious with training last summer. And then in November, he got sick. Really really sick. His whole world changed, and it will never be the same. His whole basic routine has been altered, including when and what he eats. Routine, knowing what to expect, is one of the most crucial factors in a dog's being secure and comfortable in the world, and suddenly for JD, all of the rules changed. Suddenly, he was not getting his usual rewards for certain behaviors, some of his favorite things disappeared, never to return, and he is always at least slightly uncomfortable physically to boot.

You probably know where this is going.

I have been so worried about him and so sad for him, I have stopped demanding anything. I have been letting everything, even basic leash manners, slide. He is even hanging out in the work area of the kitchen while I prepare his meals and overtly begging for the first time in our life together.

Last night and this a.m., he seemed a little "off". More lethargic than usual, not as eager to eat or go outside, etc. I was feeling especially sorry for him, thinking he must not be feeling well.

Then, as I was trying to coax him out into the yard,  he saw a dog being walked down the sidewalk along the side of the yard.

The door was barely open and he was like a roaring freight train. He actually took out one of my four remaining summersweet bushes (there used to be 6 of them), he flew to that fence with so much force. We've had record warm temps and the yard is muddy. He now has mud halfway up the backs of his legs from the force of that skid when he threw on the brakes at the fence. He was actually jumping up and down like a kid stomping his feet during a temper tantrum.

Does this sound like a sick dog to you?

I've seen this before, but not for a long, long time. It was a lightbulb moment for me.  

Now, it's time for "No More Mr. Ms. Nice Guy Girl", lol. Time to stop feeling sorry for him, as hard as that's going to be. He just can't act like that, no matter how sick he is.

Any advice is welcome. This is going to be really hard for me, so I'm posting this discussion mostly to make myself accountable. And some gentle scolding from my peers here probably wouldn't hurt either.

Thanks for listening.

[Pat and Traveler]

Karen--would you let your four-year-old lob jars of pickles at the other customers in the grocery store, even if he was ill?  No.

That said, I would have been in SUCH a dilemma if faced by Jack's rush at the fence.  Disturbed by the reactiveness, but thrilled by his wild, healthy-dog  behavior.  I'm sure you'll get some excellent advice from good trainers, but note that I'm definitely not one of them!  Trav hangs out in the kitchen when we're preparing food, but he does exit nicely if somebody points at the door.  Most of our walks are drift 'n sniff.  He's such a nice, smart, mellow guy by nature that I haven't had to deal with many of the problems you and others have experienced.  Anyhow, I mostly just wanted to say how delighted I am about the news that Jack felt well enough, at least for a while, to do some serious freight train running.  Sorry about the bush, though--and the tantrum and the mud.  Yuk.  

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Thanks, Pat. I felt even less sorry for him when I cleaned up the muddy family room carpet and threw my poor dead bush away. ;)

[F, Calla & Luca]

If he just pulled the bush out you could try replanting it, nothing to lose.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

No, he broke it off at ground level. :(((

[F, Calla & Luca]

Home Depot has some really nice, inexpensive shrubs in the spring if you're not looking for anything too exotic.

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Only one qualification: HARDY

[F, Calla & Luca]

But of course. I bought a lovely Andromeda, I think it was from there and it has had a reddish hue in the winter. I plan to look for more in the spring. I would look through my pictures but I have had a sorcerer's apprentice at work and literally thousands of pictures downloaded. I'll try to find one online.

Also, it depends on the size etc. Start a discussion in the GG. But I buy nice size shrubs there at time for under $10.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Pat, I like the description drift and sniff, sounds like our walks.

[Amy, Cubbie & Ollie]

I agree with Laurie in that you need to stay consistent with him.  You can't control the fact that his life and schedule have been turned upside down with yet another illness, but you can control and maintain the normalcy of his training.  He is probably confused by the fact that some of his favorite treats are gone, but you can keep him from being confused about what you want or expect from him.  Dogs sit and down naturally so making him sit for a treat isn't asking him to do anything that his body can't handle right now.  If you can't reward him with treats you could find other ways to reward him (toys, attention, belly rubs). 

When I first took Ollie to training, the trainer asked what was wrong with me.  I was confused because I felt just fine.  He wanted to know why I was babying Ollie when that wasn't the same way I treated Cubbie.  I was afraid to use a stern voice with him because I felt sorry for him.  I didn't let Cubbie get away with anything in class and I was told that I should treat Ollie the same way because that will help him feel normal and know what we want from him.  It was hard, and I still find myself slipping back into my old ways, but we are getting there.  Guilt is certainly an issue, but then neither you nor I had anything to do with their pasts.  We gave them a promising future.  Why should we feel guilty?  You are sparing no expence and getting JD all the treatment and help that you can.  You have no reason to feel guilty.  You are trying to help his physically so why stop trying to help him mentally?  OK.  enough of my rambling.  Stay strong and keep working with him.  (easier said than done, I know!)

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Your rambling is exactly what I need to hear, and you make perfect sense! Thanks, Amy.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Karen, I am going to come at this from a slightly different angle. I already deleted one reply. Our daughter was born prematurely and had a trach and feeding tube until age four. She has had more surgeries than I can count on my fingers and most of my toes. We had round the clock nursing until she was almost three. She came home on a heart monitor. She aspirated her food and ended up in ICU more times then I want to remember. We almost lost her more than once.

It would have been so easy to give in to any demand she made or not to discipline her, because we felt bad that she had to go through all this stuff that no kid should ever have to go through, but we never treated her any differently than we did our oldest child. You would have to be heartless to not feel badly or that "life is not fair", but would that have helped her, learn to get through life....no, it would not. She was in Intensive care one time and was furious with us for not letting her have a drink...the doctors said no....she signed "drink" over and over again and was being quite bratty. I asked the nurse if I could pull the curtains and discipline her and we all had a laugh, but it was so hard and my heart said, "just let her have a drink," but she would have aspirated it and that would not have been good.

In high school, she tried out for the volleyball team and I was pretty sure she was not going to make it, but I was so proud of her for trying. The last day,  she sat in my car and cried that she didn't want to go in and see if she got cut and inside, I was sobbing, but I made her go in and sure enough, she got cut.   That kid never caught a break, but if I would have sat around and let her get away with bad behavior and said, "you poor thing, you can do anything you want because you have to struggle every day," I would have done a big disservice to her and not been doing my job.

I am only telling you this, because I had a "sick" kid and I know how your heart is breaking, but Jack needs you to step up to the plate and hold him accountable for his actions, because that makes him feel safe and loved and normal. There is no one else that can give him that, but you!! I know you can do it!!

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

I was wondering what happened to that first reply. ;)

Thank you Laurie, this is just what I needed. I am humbled by your DD's story and I am going to refer back to it often when I need strength or inspiration.