A mother's guilt....

[Tracey]

So this puppy that we're eagerly anticipating...this puppy was supposed to be Tucker's buddy. The pup that would help to keep Tuck young as he entered his senior years. We'd had it planned that way forever..."potty train the baby, then potty train a puppy!", that was the plan. Worked so well with the dog I had growing up: you time it just right, before the eldest is too old and grumpy to appreciate a crazy, nipping little thing, and you have a bit of a fountain of youth. I truly believe it. But Tucker isn't here...didn't even get to see his senior years. Didn't get the chance to be a crotchety old guy with a younster crawling all over him, begging him for a swim or a game of tag. And as much as I'm looking forward to this new puppy, a part of me just can't get past the sadness. He was too young...8 years was not enough. And a part of me worries about the big shoes this pup has to fill. Not that he's a replacement by any means, but boy was Tucker a good dog. A GREAT dog. Simply amazing with kids, so sweet and easy, but a big baby for sure. With all of the arthritis, he still bounded around like a pup, celebrated us home with gusto every time, and never missed a chance to climb in my lap whenever I was on the floor...all 80 lbs. of lap dog!

Tucker picked us, most definitely. I'll never forget that day we went to see he and his littermates. And when we finally brought him home, we were instantly hooked. See, it was just 2 months after we were married, so he was our first 'child'. And spoiled...WOW. Had his own webpage on our wedding-site-turned-newlywed-family-site. But then, just after he turned 2 year's old, here comes our firstborn. We were so worried that Tucker would feel left out, that he'd be jealous of the baby. Boy were we dumb. He loved our son from first sniff...if the baby was on the floor, Tucker was laying as close to him as he could without getting the stink-eye from me. 'Drive-by' licks whenever he thought he could do it without my noticing. But as he was getting more mature and didn't need so much attention and watching, baby turned to toddler and needed tons of attention and watching, and so many times I felt guilty about not doing as much with Tucker, about fending off his pleas for some petting because the little one needed me. Four years later our 2nd rugrat comes along, and, well...you know the story. Not that Tucker was a neglected dog by any means, I know that. But we certainly didn't get him to the beach as much as we promised to, and with his eventually not being able to go running with his Daddy or speed-walking with me, times that used to bond us were fewer.

We were supposed to have 4 more years together. Time for the kids to get older, need me less, giving me more time to hang with him, swim with him. When I think of him going to his final sleep in my lap, I think of the broken promises and it tears me apart. Sure, many would say, he was "just" a dog. He was well fed, had a good home, his needs weren't much. And to those I say "But he was family!". And he took care of us and stood by us...all he wanted was attention. I just hope his time with us was happy enough that he is waiting for us on the Rainbow Bridge, and that just as he chose us, he'll help the right little new pup find us, to pick up where he left off.

And this time, I'll do it better. I know now that you never know how much time you have...we can't take it for granted, which is exactly what I did. Took for granted that he'd be here 4 more years. And I'll forever be sorry for that.

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This is much longer than I'd planned on, but hopefully getting it out, journaling (is that what they call it these days?) about it, will be a bit cathartic =S. And if you've made it this far with me, please take this away with you: They just want our attention, and having a perfectly healthy pup does not guarantee you tomorrow...love them up today.

Now back to the regularly-scheduled, happy postings!!!

[Sue & Willy Babe]

I am so sorry to hear about Tucker's Passing . I had goose bumps when I read your blog we lost our first pet when she was 16years and I still didn't want to believe she was gone. As I look back on that time I too think it was way too short. I wish somehow our pups could stay on, but they are always in our hearts, one night I had a dream that our wonderful Purdy was at the deck door waiting to come in I let her in she is now in our house helping Willson out. And Tucker will will always be in your memories.

[Marianne *OZZY & ZOEY]

I am so sorry to hear about Tucker, I can feel your pain...I lost my dog (she was only 4 years old, from pancreatitis) on Memorial Day. The memories will always be there and the new puppy will help to heal your heart..I have since gotten Ozzy and Zoey I love them dearly but their is always that special place for the one I lost. Wishing you happy and peaceful days ahead....

[Karen, Jasper and Jackdoodle]

Thank you for writing this, Tracey. I too have tears in my eyes. I have had that same "guilt", about not having spent enough time playing, etc., after losing a dog, no matter how old they lived to be. The truth is, it is never long enough.
Tucker will be watching over you and the new pup. He will be so proud that, as Eugene O'Neill said, having lived with Tucker, you now "cannot bear to live without a dog." it is the most fitting tribute you could pay him.
Hugs to you.

[Kyoko]

I am so sorry to about Tucker...
I have a 13 years old Chow Chow, and this is exactly we are so afraid of......
He certainly is not "Just a dog" and is a part of our family.....

Thank you for sharing....

[Linda Mikkelsen]

You loved him, that is pretty obvious -- that was what he wanted and needed. I'm sitting here crying because I lost my golden at 9 and felt the same way. Now Clyde is my second fuzzy love and I sometimes take him for granted, too. Not as often, though. Let that new puppy into your heart - Tucker will move over and grin. Good luck.

[Adina P]

That was so sweet, and touching. I have never lost a pet...yet. And I dread knowing that they don't live even half as long as we do. Thank you for sharing a bit of Tucker =)

[Cam & Oski]

Oski's still a "puppy" at 16mo & as a worry wort, I always think about what would I do if I somehow lost him (freak accident like getting hit by a car or getting sick or even dying naturally from old age). You think that there's always more that you can do with them & share with them to let them know how much you love them. But really, these dogs already know how much we love them. They can tell when we're happy, when we need comforting, when we're worried & even if it stressed them out, just being in our "pack" makes their day. You can always do more, but the amount of love & caring doesn't change.

Congrats of the pending puppy :)

[Sally, Echo and Emmi]

Your post left me in so many tears...it could have been written by me. I lost my wonderful lab, Magic, at 8 last Memorial weekend. She was supposed to be with us at least 4 more years. I love my new little doodle, Echo, but magic was the heart of my family...NEVER just a dog. Thank you for writing this.