Between A Rock (Doctor's Orders) and a Hard Place (Vern)!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

My dogs are pretty easy going at home, but they do expect two walks per day.  Fudge would be willing to let me slide on the walks, but Vern is unrelenting and there are no excuses that he is willing to hear when it comes to those walks.  We walk in all kinds of weather and I could rival the postal system delivering mail when it comes to our daily schedule because neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay me from the swift completion of our daily walks.  There are no sick days, no personal days, and no time off as far as Vern is concerned and I have contemplated starting a Dog Walkers Union, just so I can have a union representative deal with Vern when I want to stay home. 

 

I once saw a hypnotist perform at my sister’s high school and he got volunteers from the audience to come up on stage and within a matter of minutes had them clucking like chickens and professing their love for a total stranger.  I don’t know what he did to get them into that state, but I think it was some kind of hypnotic stare and his calming voice telling them all to relax.  Vern has the same stare and when he wants to walk, he employs the same type of techniques and before I know what hit me, I am finding myself moving towards the door to take them out.  It starts with the sad eyes and his head on your chest and progresses to a reminder with his paw that he is still there and would like you to look into his eyes.  I have stayed strong through that phase, because I am afraid if I look too closely into his eyes I will wake up an hour later in some park, digging through trashcans with my dogs and howling at the moon. It’s almost always the next step that gets me to do his bidding, the one where he somehow positions himself over me and looms large in my personal space.  I imagine it is what the Sun feels like when the Moon passes in front of it during a solar eclipse. My world goes dark for a moment and I am momentarily disoriented enough to agree to anything.

 

Well, last week I fell and because I thought I could diagnose myself and treat myself, I did not go to the doctor until this week, when it became clear from the pain I was experiencing that in order to achieve success as a doctor it might help to go to medical school.  My Podiatrist was not impressed with my ability to ignore my symptoms and as I explained all that had happened, I believe her exact words were, “I am looking at you and wondering if anyone is home!”  I may not have been to medical school, but I clearly know a reference to my lack of common sense when I hear one. If my foot had not been hurting so badly, I may have told her that I felt like we got off on the wrong foot and I was going to have to put my foot down when it came to listening to any more of her insults.  Luckily, I was able to overlook her words and put my best foot forward and tell her I was sorry I had been dragging my feet and I was ready now to get help from a real foot doctor.

 

After five x-rays and a diagnosis of two fractured toes and a possible slight fracture in the ankle, I left her office sporting a new boot and instructions to stay off my feet for 72 hours and strict orders to do nothing in that time, but ice and elevate.  NOTHING!  She also told me I have to wear the boot for a minimum of three weeks.  I already have big feet and that gigantic boot is like wearing a black clown shoe filled with rocks. I am afraid my one thigh is going to bulk up in the three weeks I have to wear the boot just from lifting it to walk. I mentioned needing to walk my dogs and she didn’t come right out and call me stupid or thump my head a couple of times and yell, “hello, anyone home?” but she did nod her head a big NO.  She didn’t seem to care that she was putting me between a rock and a hard place, or as I like to call it up a creek with two Labradoodles with only a large, weighted, black boot for a paddle.

 

It’s not that I wouldn’t like to sit around for 72 hours with someone waiting on me hand and foot, but unfortunately, we let our kitchen and household staff go awhile ago and the maid and cook we have now is laid up with a hurt foot.  I am not saying John doesn’t try and help, but the other night I got up with Vern in the middle of the night and as I hobbled out of bed, moaning and groaning with pain, my nurse was snoring on his side of the bed.  I resembled Quasimodo walking, hunched over, protecting my bad foot by limping, and sounded like Jerry Lee Lewis hitting the high notes on “Great Balls of Fire” and he heard nothing.  When I told him in the morning about having to get up, he said I should have said something.

 

Now, I am not going to go so far as to say you can’t get good help nowadays, but I will say the odds of you finding them in my house are slim.  The day I fell, Hayley came home from work, looked at me on the bed curled up like a wounded animal in a fetal position, helped the dogs get up on the bed with me, and went downstairs. Yesterday, when I text her that I was to do nothing but ice and elevate my foot for 72 hours, she called very concerned to tell me she would be home late because she was going to dinner with a friend.  I told her dad had a meeting and would also be home late, but I imagined I could gnaw on an apple and a piece of bread for dinner, and she said, “Ok, have fun, love you!”  When John came home from work, I told him he needed to put the trash and recyclables out for trash pickup, he said he would get right on it and today when I asked him if he put the empty trash cans away, he said, “oh crap, I forgot to put them out.”  I made a mental note to myself to call the insurance company and see if they would pay for me to get a Hoveround so I could do it myself next week and felt confident they would say yes when I explained the situation. 

John did check on me twice last night and the first time when he came around the corner to ask if I needed anything, I said, “yes, come closer, so I can hit you with this giant boot for scaring the life out of me.”  The second time I got mad and said, “Now, I didn’t hear what Blake just said to Adam on The Voice.”  Because of my less than friendly responses, I fear they will soon be playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, to see who has to help me and the headlines in our local small town paper will soon read, “Local woman found dead in home. Neighbors complained of smell. Died three weeks ago, but family members still playing game to see who has to check on her.”

 

Luckily, I still have my friend, Rose, who promptly told me I was an idiot for not going to the doctor sooner and added that she knew that I knew I was really hurt, but just had to go to that Doodle Romp in New Jersey. 

I said what I always say to her when I think she is talking nonsense, “Rose, nobody asked for your two cent.”  She responded back that her advice was worth at least 50 cent, and before you start screaming that cent should be plural, I know all that, but this is a running joke between us, since my nephew posted on Facebook that he gets tired of people not adding an S to cent when it is needed. He added that it should only be one cent and 50 cent, if talking about the rapper of the same name.  I totally get where he is coming from and I have told you before I come from a long line of peeved people and truthfully, I could write a book called, Don’t Peeve the Lady, and have actually said the downfall of America is going to be that young people nowadays don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, so I totally understand his point, but it won’t stop me from using it for my amusement.  Anyways, I also told her where she could put her two cent when I mentioned I wasn’t going to be able to exercise much and lose weight for my upcoming trip and she said, “Like you had a chance of losing 50 pounds in a month.”

 

My mom was sympathetic in her own way and first said, “I was just going to watch Kelly and Michael, but I just knew someone was going to call me,” and then spent another 10 minutes yelling into the phone, “I can’t hear you! Are you on that damn cell phone?”  After I told her about my foot, she said, “what funeral home would be more convenient for you?” and when I said, “mom, it’s only a sore foot,” she said, “I’m not talking about for you. I’m talking about for me.” Apparently, she is still working on the details of her funeral and expecting a crowd and wanted to make sure we showed up, because God knows one of her daughters may just say, "I would have gone to the viewing if only the funeral home had been more convenient."

 

The weather is so beautiful here and Fall is my favorite season and I don’t want to be home with my foot propped up.  I want to be outside with my dogs frolicking in the leaves.

It is hard to frolic when you have a boot on that weighs more than Vern and a doctor who already thinks you are dumb and is not going to like to hear if I re-injure my foot because I frolicked, when I was supposed to be icing.  She isn’t going to understand when I tell her I have a large dog who stares at me until I do his bidding and will probably say something like, “are you telling me your dog is smarter than you are?” and then add, “there really is no one home in there, is there?” Who needs that in their life?  I think I will take Vern to my next appointment and watch him work his magic until she volunteers to take him for his walks while I recuperate with Fudge on the couch.

Who can say NO to this face?

[Bonnie and Kona]

Oh Laurie, I am just reading this today and I think it was just what I needed...lots of belly laughs! Thank you. I am so sorry about your foot. I hope you are healing well and able to get around a bit better by now. I know exactly what you are describing about Vern's hypnotic persuasion. My Clumber Spaniel had the same kind of sway over me. Now my DH runs the dogs 5-6 times a week and I am off the hook. It's a miracle. I'll pray for you. ;o)

BTW those photos of Fudge and Vern are amazing. Love, love, love!!!

[DJ & Chance]

LOL, this is one of your best out of many wonderful blogs.  The only good thing about your injuries is that it gave you more time to write :).  

[Lynda Kamrath]

So you managed to stay off your feet for a few days?  Sounds like you and the dogs made it through that experience.  Did they get some walks?  And now off to Mexico!  Have a great time and prop up those feet while sipping margaritas on the beach.  Is Hayley staying with the dogs?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Joanne, I have declared myself all better :) I really am doing so much better. Thanks for asking.

Thanks, BG!!

[BG and Gavin]

Sorry that you are laid up Laurie.  If I was closer, I would walk Vern for you.  I cannot resist those eyes.

[Joanne ~ Spud*]

How are you today?

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Christine. Yes, John has been great about doing the night walk. I will be boot free in Mexico if I have to throw that darn thing in the lake before we go :) LOL Looking forward to meeting you too!

[Christine & Shelby]

Oh No Laurie! I am so sorry to hear you are in a boot.... Bummer :(
Hopefully you will get the ok from your doc to be boot free in Mexico. Poor Vern.... This may be a silly question.... Can John walk him? You take it easy.... Can't wait to officially meet you (and your DH) in Cancun!!!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Thanks, Stella!! Sounds good to me!

[Stella]

Yeah, stay away from anti- inflammatories, new evidence is suggesting they actually delay healing! Treat yourself to a massage for your back and legs!! Hope the foot heals soon.