Dear Groomer, Fudge and Vern are Waiting Patiently! They Need You!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week, I called our regular groomer to get Fudge and Vern in for an appointment.  As soon as I asked her if she had something available very, very soon, she said, “You must not have remembered. I have surgery tomorrow.” WHAT??  Well, of course I didn’t remember. I spend about 2 hours a day looking for my car keys, purse, reading glasses, or TV remote, and I am lucky if I get where I need to be going before dinner.  I have left car keys on the roof of the van and once drove to Gettysburg and back with two filled, bright pink poop bags up there as well. The only way I probably ever found them was because I was looking for my keys. I think it speaks to my dog’s firm poops that they stayed up there for the whole ride. So, she was right. I did not remember about the surgery and really wished I had written it down somewhere and planned ahead, because now we are getting desperate.

 

Vern’s new favorite spot to lie in is our evergreen ground cover we have out front.  When Fudge and he are playing hard and he has something she wants, he has figured out she will not chase him into the sticker bush. Who would, really? We think he thinks it is base and he is safe when he gets there.

That explanation makes us feel better, because the alternative explanation would involve Vern having no nerve endings and no common sense. In case you think he is just protecting himself from Fudge, he also goes in there to happily chew his bones, hide his toys and bones, and just to rest his head from time to time. 

Some of the funniest expressions Vern makes happen when Fudge follows right behind him and scoops up the hidden treasure if he miscalculates and doesn’t drop it far enough into the bushes.  You can almost hear him thinking, “What just happened?”

 

Those bushes are going to be removed next spring anyways, mainly because we have always hated them, but also because Vern has managed to make them look far worse than they did with all the attention he has been giving them. Since we have gotten Vern we have discovered he has a very unique style when it comes to interior design, landscaping, and housekeeping, and his tastes are not for everyone. 

Next year, when we rip those bushes out, he is going to have to settle for the driveway or an outdoor bed for his favorite resting spot, like a normal dog. 

 

Fudge, on the other hand, has decided it is her job to rid our yard of squirrels and chipmunks, and if that means she has to stick her nose and paws into every chipmunk hole in our yard, then cleanliness be damned.  She believes that a job done well stays well done forever, despite the fact that we have told her, on more than one occasion, that she is going to dig herself into an even bigger hole, if she does not stop. Sometimes, she gets really smart and encourages her brawny assistant to do most of the manual labor and thereby share in some of the blame, although her muddy paws and nose usually tip us off that Vern was not acting alone.

 All of the digging, rolling, and fun times in the evergreen bush have left my dogs looking like a couple of ragamuffins and praying our groomer recovers quickly.   I am sure most of you want to know why I can’t just learn to do all the grooming on my own and my response to you would be to ask my husband and my youngest daughter.  My youngest daughter is still embarrassed to show her third grade picture to anyone because it looks like her bangs were cut by Edward Scissorhands. I can still remember when she brought the pack of pictures home and I reached in the envelope and gasped. When I asked her who had cut her bangs, she informed me that I had, and I remember thinking I must have been playing a game of Blind Man’s Bluff with pinking shears.  After that, she wouldn’t let me come near her hair with scissors. Both girls had long hair for a while and would ask me some mornings to fix their hair in a side French braid or some other hairstyle that they must have suspected I could not do, and once I said, “Who do I look like? Jose Eber?” They had no clue who I was talking about, but they got my point and realized mommy was only good for regular pony tails and handing them the brush.

 

My husband let me cut his hair ONCE.  It happened in those just married years, when he was still in the “this had better lead to something good” phase of our marriage. Frankly, that is the only reason I can come up with that he let me near him with scissors.  I felt confident I could cut his hair; despite the fact that the only real experience I had was watching qualified beauticians cut my hair over the years.  I mean, how hard could it be to section off hair and start cutting?  About two minutes into the process, I realized I had no clue what I was doing, but not wanting to be a quitter, I forged ahead until my husband’s beautiful head of hair began to look like I had used a soup bowl to shape it into the style he was now sporting.  Maybe I was hoping he would not notice the glaring unevenness of his new hairdo, but after I saw his expression when he looked in the mirror and heard the less than favorable reviews interspersed with some very bad words, it was clear my hair cutting days were over. 

 

So, I think you can understand why I am hesitant to pick up any grooming tools and try and work my magic on Fudge and Vern. My whole family feels they deserve better.  I am asking for a Les Pooch Brush, grooming scissors (Santa has already said NO)  and a dog dryer for Christmas, but that doesn’t mean they are going to get a lot of use.  After all, I have a curling iron, hair straightener, and lots of hair products that I have purchased, tried once, and never bothered with again.  Meanwhile, I am taking the dogs to the self-service dog wash on Saturday and they have an appointment with the groomer next week IF she feels better. I am pretty sure when she sees my dogs, she is going to use that same voice on me that my teacher used when she thought I hadn’t done my homework.  I hope she doesn’t try and blame the mats and dirt on me, because I think it is clear she let us down having this surgery. It is just like the time my uncle bailed on us at the last minute and said he couldn’t watch Fudge and Vern, while we went on vacation, because he needed to have heart bypass surgery.  I just don’t understand how people can be so self-centered.

 

[Deanna & Desi & Cori]

Laurie, you and I must have gotten the same hair management genes.  I'd be glad if my only hair faux pas was a bad haircut.  When my daughter was close to two, I was trimming her hair (a lovely "bowl cut") and warned her to stand very still.  She did exactly what she was told; nevertheless, I snipped a bit of her ear - the pointy part that sits above the earlobe.  Needless to say, that was the last time I ever tried my hand at hair cutting!  Later, when she was on a competitive dance team and had to have certain hairstyles for each costume, I had to rely on the other mom's to do Rebecca's hair!  I'm good at a few things, but hair is not one of them!!!

[Sue, Lola, Pongo & Hubby]

HAHA. Fudge and Vern, you two are absolutely adorable!!!!! Mats, mud, and all!!! How dare she get surgery when she's clearly needed...the nerve of some people. (yes, I have internet access in New Orleans!!! Woohoo!!! Forget beignets and live blues, I have doodley things to read up on!)

[Nancy, Ned, Clancy, and Charlie]

How Dare SHE have surgery when Fudge and Vern need grooming!  What was she thinking about? A personal call to you would have been nice after all you are a loyal customer.  She should know you can NOT pick up the scissors like others might.  I also cannot cut hair - my daughter let her bangs grow out in first grade!!!!!

[Linda, Webber and Seda]

Too funny!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, Yes, I like that about rain....you can't mow..LOL!

Jane, I don't want to get her mad at me. She does such a good job with Fudge and Vern. I just suffered in silence....LOL!!

Barbie, Wow...I need to get some of that stuff :) Thank you!!

[Barbie]

LOL, Laurie! I can't help you on the needing-a-groom-sooner problem, but as far as boosting your memory, I would highly recommend fish oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah, many claims are made for memory boost and are just a waste of money - that was my mentality when I first started taking it. But, I was shocked within only the 3rd day of taking 1200 mgs a day (with Omega 3 and Omega 6) and have been taking it ever since (since last month). I no longer forget where I leave things, what I did yesterday, what day of the week it is, and can even the first and last names of people from my past. Spurts of memory are popping up everywhere, and I really needed that for exams (graduate school). Please try some and see if you don't have the same results. :O)

[Jane, Guinness and Murphy]

Did you ask her if she could postpone her surgery for just a few days?  I'm assuming it wasn't something that was "life or death", right?  I know all about dirty Doodles....I've got two of them right now and two weeks till their next grooming.  I'm going to dry that dry shampoo and see what that does.  No grooming for me either.  The last time I tried to groom Murph was when he was about 6 mos old and he tried to bite me.

[F, Calla & Luca]

Rain? What rain: ) Raining as I write. But it is good for the seed sprinkling! And I just mow and mow. But now I have to wait til things dry out a bit.

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

F, My husband has been doing just that with the grass seed. We have had so much rain lately it is just unbelievable. Between the mud and leaves our yard is a mess. This is a busy time for us with our pond and leaves. I do love Fall, except for all the leaves all over our property :)

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Ricki, My mom is the queen of giving the old home perms....I know all about hairstyle horrors :) Good idea about Halloween for Vern...one more day and I don't even have to buy a black dog costume...LOL!