Dear Groomer, Fudge and Vern are Waiting Patiently! They Need You!!

[Laurie, Fudge, and Vern]

Last week, I called our regular groomer to get Fudge and Vern in for an appointment.  As soon as I asked her if she had something available very, very soon, she said, “You must not have remembered. I have surgery tomorrow.” WHAT??  Well, of course I didn’t remember. I spend about 2 hours a day looking for my car keys, purse, reading glasses, or TV remote, and I am lucky if I get where I need to be going before dinner.  I have left car keys on the roof of the van and once drove to Gettysburg and back with two filled, bright pink poop bags up there as well. The only way I probably ever found them was because I was looking for my keys. I think it speaks to my dog’s firm poops that they stayed up there for the whole ride. So, she was right. I did not remember about the surgery and really wished I had written it down somewhere and planned ahead, because now we are getting desperate.

 

Vern’s new favorite spot to lie in is our evergreen ground cover we have out front.  When Fudge and he are playing hard and he has something she wants, he has figured out she will not chase him into the sticker bush. Who would, really? We think he thinks it is base and he is safe when he gets there.

That explanation makes us feel better, because the alternative explanation would involve Vern having no nerve endings and no common sense. In case you think he is just protecting himself from Fudge, he also goes in there to happily chew his bones, hide his toys and bones, and just to rest his head from time to time. 

Some of the funniest expressions Vern makes happen when Fudge follows right behind him and scoops up the hidden treasure if he miscalculates and doesn’t drop it far enough into the bushes.  You can almost hear him thinking, “What just happened?”

 

Those bushes are going to be removed next spring anyways, mainly because we have always hated them, but also because Vern has managed to make them look far worse than they did with all the attention he has been giving them. Since we have gotten Vern we have discovered he has a very unique style when it comes to interior design, landscaping, and housekeeping, and his tastes are not for everyone. 

Next year, when we rip those bushes out, he is going to have to settle for the driveway or an outdoor bed for his favorite resting spot, like a normal dog. 

 

Fudge, on the other hand, has decided it is her job to rid our yard of squirrels and chipmunks, and if that means she has to stick her nose and paws into every chipmunk hole in our yard, then cleanliness be damned.  She believes that a job done well stays well done forever, despite the fact that we have told her, on more than one occasion, that she is going to dig herself into an even bigger hole, if she does not stop. Sometimes, she gets really smart and encourages her brawny assistant to do most of the manual labor and thereby share in some of the blame, although her muddy paws and nose usually tip us off that Vern was not acting alone.

 All of the digging, rolling, and fun times in the evergreen bush have left my dogs looking like a couple of ragamuffins and praying our groomer recovers quickly.   I am sure most of you want to know why I can’t just learn to do all the grooming on my own and my response to you would be to ask my husband and my youngest daughter.  My youngest daughter is still embarrassed to show her third grade picture to anyone because it looks like her bangs were cut by Edward Scissorhands. I can still remember when she brought the pack of pictures home and I reached in the envelope and gasped. When I asked her who had cut her bangs, she informed me that I had, and I remember thinking I must have been playing a game of Blind Man’s Bluff with pinking shears.  After that, she wouldn’t let me come near her hair with scissors. Both girls had long hair for a while and would ask me some mornings to fix their hair in a side French braid or some other hairstyle that they must have suspected I could not do, and once I said, “Who do I look like? Jose Eber?” They had no clue who I was talking about, but they got my point and realized mommy was only good for regular pony tails and handing them the brush.

 

My husband let me cut his hair ONCE.  It happened in those just married years, when he was still in the “this had better lead to something good” phase of our marriage. Frankly, that is the only reason I can come up with that he let me near him with scissors.  I felt confident I could cut his hair; despite the fact that the only real experience I had was watching qualified beauticians cut my hair over the years.  I mean, how hard could it be to section off hair and start cutting?  About two minutes into the process, I realized I had no clue what I was doing, but not wanting to be a quitter, I forged ahead until my husband’s beautiful head of hair began to look like I had used a soup bowl to shape it into the style he was now sporting.  Maybe I was hoping he would not notice the glaring unevenness of his new hairdo, but after I saw his expression when he looked in the mirror and heard the less than favorable reviews interspersed with some very bad words, it was clear my hair cutting days were over. 

 

So, I think you can understand why I am hesitant to pick up any grooming tools and try and work my magic on Fudge and Vern. My whole family feels they deserve better.  I am asking for a Les Pooch Brush, grooming scissors (Santa has already said NO)  and a dog dryer for Christmas, but that doesn’t mean they are going to get a lot of use.  After all, I have a curling iron, hair straightener, and lots of hair products that I have purchased, tried once, and never bothered with again.  Meanwhile, I am taking the dogs to the self-service dog wash on Saturday and they have an appointment with the groomer next week IF she feels better. I am pretty sure when she sees my dogs, she is going to use that same voice on me that my teacher used when she thought I hadn’t done my homework.  I hope she doesn’t try and blame the mats and dirt on me, because I think it is clear she let us down having this surgery. It is just like the time my uncle bailed on us at the last minute and said he couldn’t watch Fudge and Vern, while we went on vacation, because he needed to have heart bypass surgery.  I just don’t understand how people can be so self-centered.

 

[F, Calla & Luca]

Really, human selfishness knows no bounds. To counteract this I freely offer hand scissoring lessons in my home. So far no one has taken me up on this, it is true. Calla is one big mat at the moment so this weekend is one of her favorite adventures. She will see how difficult she can make it to hold, wrestle and cut a gigantic, strong doodle while both doodle and I am stressed to the max. I will struggle to prevent sweat from rolling into my eyes and try not to get blisters from cutting through hair not unlike your bushes. I kid you not. I know some good doodle owners have trained their dogs to behave wonderfully well for grooming, I am  not one of them. So come on down. I figure between the two of us we can subdue Calla while I teach you the intricacies of the somewhat uneven cut, designed to make things look natural and avoid that, ugh, just groomed look.

[Doris, Knox & Flash]

Despite the fact that you don't drink coffee, we do have a few similarities!  I DO NOT do hair -- not my daughter's, my DH's, and not Knox's!  No way, no how!  I can manage my own for daily purposes, but if I have an event to go to, I high-tail it to "my guy Albert!"  I even have Knox's groomer on speed-dial!  I took him in yesterday for a bath because we have company coming for the weekend and he needed a bath and a "blow out!"  My DH says we are both "high maintenance" -- but we absolutely are not!  Again, no way, no how!